[turquoisesea]

I feel sometimes like I learned to get better from depression by in my view being a bit selfish. Or a lot selfish, or selfish beyond reason. One main point of therapy and everything else is to reach out to people and not hold all your feelings inside. But what if you do that as you're crying or experiencing really low emotion? What if you lean on someone... what if you pull them down. What if you cross boundaries. What if they change their mind about you.

what if you become, in an attempt to get better a horrible selfish bug who won't go away What if you become something worthy of hate, because of getting better? HOw do you tell the difference? I just want to be able to give everything and take nothing, like I used to before I depressed.

I want to be the solid rock, that holds everyone up and never takes anything for itself. I miss that so much.

Hello, turquoisesea. It is very difficult to help others when the black dog (Churchill's term for depression) has you in its grip. Your health is your priority. If being selfish helps send the black dog away, so be it.

[Capriciousness]

I so know what you mean. I feel like such a needy boundary crasher lately.

[St406]

I think there are times we must be selfish if our needs are to be addressed (or they wont be addressed at all). Opening up to someone when there is alot hidden that needs to be expressed is healthy. I think it depends on who u are opening up to as to how they will be affected.

[pgrundy]

I totally know what you mean. I feel that way too sometimes, but then I realize that when I'm not being 'selfish' by putting my emotional health and my treatment first, then I'm not really there for others in the way I want to be anyway. So it's just what it is. But I totally get what you are saying.

I've tried so many ways to make my illness less of a burden financially and practically--tried to take cheaper meds (got sick, ended up in the hospital), tried to fix it on my own with exercise and vitamins and will power (got very sick and lost two weeks of work), tried to stay out of therapy but had to admit after my hospitalization that I need it, want it or not--and so on.

So now I just know it has to come first or nothing goes well.

But yeah, it sucks sometimes.

[alwaysrejoice]

I sometimes feel selfish because I'm depressed. I have no real reason to be depressed! My life is good over all! Seems like guilt is a symptom of depression no matter how you spin it.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Originally Posted by alwaysrejoice

I sometimes feel selfish because I'm depressed. I have no real reason to be depressed! My life is good over all! Seems like guilt is a symptom of depression no matter how you spin it.

EXACTLY how I feel.

And to the OP- also feel the same so much of the time. It's a fear of abandonment issue with me. I would suggest finding out why you feel the need to be a solid rock for everyone.

[RandomNoiseFly]

Wow, this is exactly how I've been feeling. Going from being the "rock" for everyone around you to feeling like there is no solid foundation under you has been VERY difficult. I have had the bad experiences of people I thought I could trust placing distance when they found out I was broken. But on the flip side, I have had the loved ones that are probably the reasons I decided to get help. I guess it's finding a way to tell yourself that it's okay to not be the one that's okay. Which is super scary, I know!

[turquoisesea]

thank you everyone for all the responses =)

Glad to know I'm not the only one feeling this way - all these thoughts are wonderful

((((((everyone)))))) and hope we find answers =)

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( turquoisesea )))))))))))))