I hate being me

I wander why I have no confidence or self esteem, I watch others write on here and they do it so perfect, I try to write replies out and I hit the delete button as mine sound so pathetic.I know what I am thinking but I can't put into words.

I look in the mirror even and I hate myself, I am really ugly, I feel lonely, I was told that I am ugly so many times maybe I believe it? I would like friends but I don't go out to make them, I am too shy I don't even know how to start a conversation.

Writting this bit was hard and I doubt it will get replies

I'm sorry

Buttercup, you aren't alone. I can't tell you how many times I've written replies and thought, "nah, no one cares what I think." It's rough. I avoid mirrors as much as possible, cause I don't see what other people seem to - I don't believe people mean it when the compliment me, cause I'm just not worth complimenting.

It sounds like you're pretty depressed, which I understand. It is always worse for me this time of year, heading into the holiday season. I am not close with my family and have friends that can be counted on one hand. Makes my depression even worse.

I know you didn't ask for suggestions, but I know my T has suggested that when I get this deep into depression, I do things that I "used" to like (when not in the depths of depression) in an effort to keep me afloat. So I'll buy food I know I liked to eat, I'll listen to music I used to like, I'll go for walks if it's nice enough out, I'll go shopping for shoes (mirrors are only below the knee) and I'll catch up on my favorite TV shoes. It doesn't fix it, but it does help me between my appointments with my T.

I have a workbook that I work in between T sessions. Not really sure the T I have right now is even helping. The book teaches you how to change negative patterns of thinking. How attractive we are doesnt have anything to do with how happy we are or how well we relate to others. I have been told by many people I am model pretty but I don't feel that way and I dont care about beauty becasue it is superficial. I know many people that are overweight or have issues dealing with appearance and they are very popular and outgoing and I envy them. I know it may not mean anything but I am just as lonely as you and would love to be considered your friend. The book I have is called "Ten Days to Self-Asteem". You should be able to order it offline or at your local bookstore.

((((Buttercup))))

Hello, Buttercup!
I think you are on to something. We're humans; we cannot help but be affected by what people say to us. Others have called you "ugly" actively by their direct words, and a world of advertising has passively labelled you "ugly" by implication, to the end that you purchase and do stuff they want you to purchase and do.

It is not easy to fight a double assault on one's soul, especially when one suffers from depression.

All those throwing "ugly" at you have their own agendas. Here you are among those who reject that "ugly" and affirm Buttercup.

I read a quote on here the other day. "What other people think of you is none of your business." Write your replies. Even if the off chance someone doesn't like what you wrote or disagrees with what you said, who cares? It's just an internet site. None of these people will ever know who you are in real life. Besides, no one on this site will ever degrade you...even if you do say something weird. We are all too worried about our own words and actions to criticize you. Hugs.