[RandomNoiseFly]

So today was a pretty difficult day. I'm just starting treatment, so I'm still on edge constantly and haven't yet developed my coping skills. After my co-worker throws me under the bus to make her look like a super star employee, I was called into the big bad bosses office. His main question was "why are you making so many mistakes?". I found this a very difficult question to answer honestly. Since I am not comfortable trusting anyone at work with any information about my depression, I absolutely could not explain that I have been having a really hard time focusing and remembering even the little things and as a result my work performance has suffered because of my condition. I was able to spin my defense well enough to not tip off to anything being broken in me, but it left me exhausted, as pretending to be okay has recently. My job an extremely unhealthy, unsupportive, stressful hell.

How do you all handle balancing work and depression? How do you explain failing job performance without giving yourself away? Everyday I want to run out of the door and quit, but health insurance is kinda important for me right now....

[alwaysrejoice]

I struggled for a good year at work. I finally decided to take a leave of absense and go on short term disability.

[dismantle.repair]

I struggled with my studies and my depression... I still do.. Everyday seems to be a battle.

[learningtolive]

You could look into short term disability and get the treatment you may need now- you may need to take a 'time out' and focus on yourself so you can get better in order to perform better at the job. Perhaps check with your HR department and check on their disability procedures. ((I've gone this route before)).

You mentioned that the enviornment you work is an "extremely unhealthy, unsupportive, stressful hell."
I believe ((through my own experience)) that these factors will contribute to your depression, confidence, and drain you of any positive energy. However I also know that looking for a NEW job when you are depressed seems extremely daunting...just a thought.

A couple of things I tried in my "toxic" work enviornment:

I tried to change the way I relate or think about my job and the people that were toxic to me. I know...this is easier said than done.

Can you listen to relaxing music while working to keep you calm?

Can you take a time out? Even if it is to go the restroom, lock the door and just be by yourself for 5 minutes?

I hope something works for you, I have BEEN there so beleive me when I say I know how you feel. good luck and know there are people here who care!

[RandomNoiseFly]

Thanks for the feedback!

I am know in my heart that I probably will not get better if I am still working at my current employment. It is very difficult for me to go to my groups in the morning because when I go into work I am attack with whatever negativity that particular day brings and whatever mood my co-workers are in and how much they decide to hate me. It's been really hard going from an extremely emotional yet very supportive place like group to work and pretend like I'm going to carry on with the rest of my day just fine.

I deeply want a new job. I want to keep working because I've never liked when I am just sitting around at home. Plus, I have to work to support myself. I have finally found the energy in myself to start the job hunt. Finally finished updating my resume after several months of putting it off. I applied to some positions and got calls back (that is amazing in my book!). But they didn't pan out in my favor. Healthy me would just take the rejection and anxiety of all this and file it away and keep moving. But depressed me now has a hard time with a process that is inherently not kind. I am always worried about how my depression effects the potential employee I am projecting. Can these people tell I am really broken inside? So this might not have been the best timing to decide to look for another job.

I am seriously considering a leave. I know my bosses and HR will not be supportive as 4th quarter is the busiest time of year in my industry, but I have to look out for me now. I know that this will expose me and will make me a target since news about everything goes around the office at the speed off sound and I also know that they will probably find a way to fire me as a result since they have done the same in the past to people who have had to take medical leaves. But I do not think I have much of a choice if I want to get well. Which I really do...

[alwaysrejoice]

If you take a leave and they fire you for it they could get into deep doo doo! Why don't you just get the ball rolling and see what benefits are available to you.

[Xsych]

It's a tough decision when you have a paying job you don't like. I'm in the same boat, I guess if your doc will sign you off, work will just have to take it!

[silent_reverie]

Originally Posted by RandomNoiseFly

I deeply want a new job. I want to keep working because I've never liked when I am just sitting around at home. Plus, I have to work to support myself. I have finally found the energy in myself to start the job hunt. Finally finished updating my resume after several months of putting it off. I applied to some positions and got calls back (that is amazing in my book!). But they didn't pan out in my favor. Healthy me would just take the rejection and anxiety of all this and file it away and keep moving. But depressed me now has a hard time with a process that is inherently not kind. I am always worried about how my depression effects the potential employee I am projecting. Can these people tell I am really broken inside? So this might not have been the best timing to decide to look for another job.

I'm pretty much in the same boat. I hate my job, and I really want to find a new one, but I have no confidence in myself, and I only have like 1 year of work experience doing something I do not quite want to do. Plus it's harder for me because I'm a designer on top of having a good portfolio I have to show that I have a great personality and communication skills, but that's pretty much impossible since I'm falling deeper into depression...

I can't tell if the job is making me depressed or I can't work because my depression is making it hard for me. But I think getting better should be priority, though I am afraid of telling my boss I have issues...