[theoctopusproject]

I just found this site and I apologize for the overly lengthy post, but here goes.

I spent the duration of my high school years hell-bent on getting into a good college. I sacrificed my happiness and many social opportunities while spending much of the time being stressed and/or depressed. However, there was no deep, meaningful reason behind my drive to attend college. I fixated upon it out of a wish to be able to achieve something great and be someone enviable, yet I had no concrete plan or substance behind those vague desires.

Now, here I am. I attend what many would consider to be a “good”, prestigious university. Yet I’m already more than half way through and I find myself without a passion for anything in particular. I got close to a 4.0 during my first year, but since then my grades have been continually slipping lower. After college there is grad school and then after grad school there is getting a good job and then there will be promotions to chase and no rest until retirement…. I keep getting more and more tired of the whole rat race thing. I can no longer seem to strive diligently because I feel like I don’t even have anything to strive towards. And, no matter what goal I choose, there will always be more to achieve afterwards.

I have no idea what I want to do in the future in terms of a career. I just know I want to travel the world. But I can’t seem to focus on schoolwork anymore and I keep wasting opportunities. For example, I have the opportunity to work on a project for a professor, but I keep procrastinating on it and not working on it. I’m an idiot for letting it go to waste, but I still can’t seem to bring myself to do it. All I seem to want to do is read books, listen to music, watch movies, and get mindlessly drunk.

I truly am incredibly thankful for the opportunities that I currently have. I’m just sick of being torn between feeling full of apathy on the one hand and full of self loathing for my failures on the other.

I have never been diagnosed with depression or anything, but I believe I was clinically depressed for a couple months at the beginning of this year. However, I've been feeling much better since then.

Is my lack of motivation a symptom of depression and does anyone have any suggestions for how I should work on it? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Theoctopusproject!

• Persistent procrastination
• apathy
• self-loathing
• escape into alcohol
• and lack of motivation

can all be signs of depression. Only a professional can diagnose you, but these are all warning signs. Have you thought of talking to the folks at your university's student counseling center?

My first personal impression is significant, sustained drive demands a passionate vision. You seem to lack the vision. Perhaps finding yourself and a suitable vision of your future is your first priority.

Please keep posting. Consider these forums a kind of sandbox where you can work out what you might want to say to those who can guide you.

[silent_reverie]

Welcome to the forum theoctopusproject!

I understand what you mean since I basically went through the same thing.
I worked my butt off to get into a good college but when I got there everything fell apart because I didn't really know what was the point of it all and I was not performing as well as my classmates.

I think I should've taken a year off from school to really think about what the heck I was doing with my life and to understand myself. Maybe do an internship during that time to see how working in the real world was like and gain experience. If you want to travel, you might still be able to do study abroad for a semester or a summer.

Most importantly, talk to someone about what you're going through, like the dean of your department or your professors if you are having doubts about what you're doing in school. I regret not doing this until really late in school, it would've saved me from going through so much if I just switched majors. And if your school offers psychological counseling, that can help too with coping with depression.

I think apathy is considered a sign of depression. You usually just lose interest in everything you used to like when you're depressed =\ And lay off the booze, it makes the depression worse.

Goodluck with everything!

[ShakyDreams]

I've had a very similar experience. Even though I was depressed many times in high school, I always retained my desire to achieve. Even though I stayed home from school over 20 days each year, I still managed to graduate second in my class. My main goal was scholarships. My first two years weren't that bad. I suffered from procrastination, but I'd had that problem to a certain extent since middle school. I changed my major the last two years a couple of times. I was concerned with getting into the full-time workforce as soon as possible, so I gave up my original desire to be a clinical psychologist since it requires a PhD. I graduated in 1996 and have still to find a job I really enjoy. I've been to grad school twice and failed to complete the program both times. I have no passion for the subject (history). I don't know why I ever thought I did. I have no strength let for the struggle. I think I would have been more successful if I had sought treatment for depression much earlier. I advise you to be evaluated. It can't hurt anything. If your university is like mine was, the have a free counseling center and agreements with local psychiatrists for discounted treatment if your case warrents it. I wish you the best.

[blondemom]

I've gone through very similar things...I think your symptoms sound very much like depression. You sound a lot like me and how I was in school. I ended up dropping out before finishing nursing school because of confusion, indifference and fear.
I still deal with depression and have since started back into school. There are those days that I just can't make myself work on my projects...but the way I get myself going is by asking myself what I want. The answer is always, "I want to make more money to make a good life for my kids. In order to make more money I have to finish school. In order to finish school I have to get good grades. In order to get good grades I have to get out my book and study or work on my project." Breaking it down like that seems to help me get moving.
I decided that part of my confusion came from the fact that I'm not sure what career would make me happy. The fact is that no job is going to make me completely happy because I'M DEPRESSED NO MATTER WHAT I DO. So I decided to stick with my original career path (nursing) and remember that my feelings of depression don't mean that nursing is wrong for me. Those feelings are just something I have to manage.
I hope that's helpful. Good luck!

[Blamethemeds]

With me lack of motivation is part of my depression. I'm in college too and working on my bachelors and then I want to take it further to a masters. I have excellent grades but somehow I got stuck in a low spot now. I don't want to work on homework now and I literally wait till the last minute to write papers. I have no idea why because I have time but I rather watch tv or play with my iPhone. I know I should be doin my school work but I don't want to. I also think about the future with my career. It's literally going to take all of my time like you until retirement. Thats a bit depressing even though I'll be making good money. I guess I'm really not adding much but your not alone. The thing that really keeps me going is also my kids and I love peoples reactions when they hear my grades. Perhaps you should forgive yourself and take a semester off so you can relax for a while. Maybe you'll end up missing school and get motivated again or find something else you rather do. Try not to be so hard on yourself and if your doing so good give yourself that break so you don't mess up what youve been working so hard for. That's what I would do anyway. I'm actually planning a break next year because I'll be so close to my bachelors and gaining real world experience for the next level. I'm seriously thinking about taking a yoga class or something.