[Shenron]

Hello,

To be completely honest, I have no idea why I am posting here. I have lived with undiagnosed depression for years. I don't see any real reason to see a professional because I already know whats wrong.

I have major trust issues, my mother and father ignored me growing up. Mainly my father, I have always been rather sickly and never interested in sports and more manly things. He treated my like garbage and smacked me around because I was never the son he wanted me to be. So much crap he did to me it would take a full 20 page report. My mother was an alcoholic and agreed with everything he said, mainly because he earned the money and supported her. When my sister was born, I was around 7, I purposely made him more angry so he would focus on kicking me around rather than her. I wanted her to grow up without all of that. And she has turned out to be a bright girl. She is 18 and already in collage, graduating with top honors and a full paid medical scholarship. As a big brother, I couldn't be more proud.

My teenage years, I did so many drugs. Marijuana, angel dust, acid. ALOT of acid. I used to get high before school and just live in a whirl of colors and lights. I drank all the time. But I was never very social. I had a few close friends and avoided parties like the plague. People just made me so mad. I felt like I had to put on a mask just to get people to talk to me. Or even acknowledge I existed. I was a bright kid, but I never saw reason to do anything. I always accepted I was worthless and thats the way things were. By this time my parents had a revelation, and became swingers. It was never a big concern to me. They had their life, I had mine. I had girlfriends, a sex life, all of which ended with them cheating on me. I was a druggy, an alcholic, but I worked 40 hrs a week as a manager at a hardiees, I did well in school, and was never mean or abusive. Women just cheat on me. That certainly never helped my confidence to trust issues.

I started dating a girl when I was 16. Had a great time, our ups and downs like any relationship, but I loved her. We dated for 5-6 years about. Graduated together, lived together after some things happened, it was hard. But we made ends meet. I was happy, but it was a lie. I ended up finding out she was off and on cheating on me with her ex boyfriend. I was working 2 jobs, she kept quitting hers. We had a fight when I found out and I told her to leave. She stole my car, and stripped my bank account before I could do anything about it. I got the car back, but the account had her name on it, so there was nothing to be done. She came back demanding things out of the house, her ..... well whatever he was at the time got in my face with a bat. I pulled a shotgun on him. It took everything I had not to kill him. I wanted to kill them both.

Those were the years I realized something. I had been pretending for so long. Pretending to be a friend, a son, a boyfriend, a regular guy. I had just been telling people what they wanted to hear. I never once let anyone in. I couldn't. I was too scared to. I still am. I'm afraid they wont like what they see. I'm scared to see it myself. I'm scared of losing control. I have no intention of killing myself, but I can't stop the pain of being alone. But I can't stop lying to everyone and keeping up appearances. Its the only thing I know how to do. No one in my life knows anything I'm going through.

Its been years since then, and an accident at work has left me partially handicapped. Its been 5 surgeries and I can't walk very well still. The economy has effected my job, and they have already laid off everyone in my position. I have dodged the bullet because I have been on workmans comp because of a surgury. I have come to the chopping block this Friday though. I will be laid off. My workmans comp stopped paying me over a month ago with no notification. I've been able to scrape by with what little savings I had. I can't continue collage if I lose my job, since they were paying for it.

I really have come to a dead end. I have been drinking myself to death for the past few months. I want to go back to doing drugs, I quit when I got out of high school, but if I have to take a drug test for various reasons I would be very out of luck.

I always prided myself, or at least told others that, about being successful. I worked hard and made quite a bit of money. Have my own home, nothing special but its here. I never showed weakness. I never let anyone see anything get to me. All the while its been eating me inside. Everyone lying to me, cheating on me, my lies to everyone. The masks. I just don't know whats behind them anymore, but I feel like its going to burst. I hate everyone. No one can see me for who I am. Everything works against me. Everything annoys me. Everything makes me so angry. I ditched my "friends" because they just got on my nerves. I'm so much better off alone, but I am so lonely. Its a paradox. I would rather burn this world to ash, but I just want someone to hold me. Its been 3 years since I've even had sex. And I've always had a massively over active sex drive.

I'm so scared that this stress will overcome me. The mask slip. I'm so scared of what's under it. Not for myself, but for what it is. All the pain, and loneliness, and anger, and hate inside me. I don't want to lose control. I'm scared of losing control.

Ignore me if you like, it doesn't really matter. I just needed something new to try and cope. I have no idea how to cope anymore, figured might as well give this a shot. I don't figure it will do much good.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Shenron!

If nothing else, posting here means whatever you choose to reveal about your life will be observed by others. That knowledge, that at least some part of your existence is observed, may be helpful to you in some way.

Yes, I read your entire post. You might be surprised how many will. Some who read all or part of it will see something of themselves in at least part of your story. A few of those may reply here.

Originally Posted by Shenron

When my sister was born, I was around 7, I purposely made him more angry so he would focus on kicking me around rather than her

No matter how you feel about yourself, that makes you a hero to folks here. Please check out the Survivors of Abuse Forum.

[aelaine]

Hi, I am so sorry you are feeling this way and you should have to continue,please see a therapist to work out your worries and find ways to cope. Seeing a therapist doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are taking care of yourself to try to have a better life. I didn't have the abuse you did, but have been depressed for as long as I remember, but my pride stopped me from getting help, I finally crashed and couldn't work and was just a mess, when my Dr suggested a Psychiatrist finally I was so relieved I could have kissed him! I didn't want to admit it out loud, but if someone else could see my "imaginary" problem. then maybe it was real and I could get the help I so desperately needed. Can't say all my problems are solved but some meds and talking about things I would never talk about was freeing somehow and took a burden off my shoulders, think I will stick with it for awhile. good luck to you and please get help, you don't deserve to feel this way.

[Shenron]

If I could at all afford a shrink I would go. Not only that, the nearest one is over a 2 hour drive from where I live. Unfortunately I have neither a doctor to recommend or the finances to afford one with losing my job. So therapy isn't as viable an option as I wish it was. At this point I would swallow my pride and give anything a chance.

[kaliope]

your post shows a lot of personal insight. a therapist would definately help sort that out for you. you have shown amazing strength to cope thru out your life. you have done much to prove your parents wrong.

you can check and see what is available at the college you go to. there is usually free counseling available to students.

most communities have state run counseling clinics that operate on reduced fees that you can check into.

is there a family resource center in your area? they will typically know of providers in your area that offer pro bono or reduced fee services as well.

think about looking into AA as a start. drugs and alcohol will only deepen the depression.

Welcome to PC. keep posting and check out the chat rooms when you need to talk.

[Shenron]

Unfortunately, I had to drop out of collage. My job was paying for it, and they kicked me out of their program when I had my accident. I would like to go to a shrink but its just not an option. As soon as I lose my job, I will barely be able to afford my place to live, let alone a shrink.

No, the nearest family counseling center is over 2 hours away. Not exactly in easy access. I've tried to look up any local information, but there really seems to be nothing in terms of psychiatric care.

Taking drugs and drinking never really bothered me. All it does for me is throw me into a trip. I get to stop thinking, and stop stressing. I've quit cold turkey several times before, so starting and quitting is never really an issue with me.

Honestly, I can't cope with anything. I just tend to either ignore it, or just press through with it. My parents were very right about what they wanted and what I am. They wanted an athlete and for me to join the military, body build,, hunt, ride motorcycles, like my dad. I am a geek who does administrative logistics with health problems galore, and now a disability. They were pretty much spot on, but that's here nor there really.