I don't fit in.

...it's time I was real honest with me

I sometimes look like I should...act like I can...

but I don't fit in anywhere....I never have!

I'm a weirdo from outer space

most of my time is spent going through this like it's something wrong..!

and what is it with beds?

I cannot get out of mine

awkward human...desperate naive and self punished..

I sure have some issues

Hey weirdo, guess what? I'm pretty sure most of us have felt at one time or another that we don't fit in anywhere. In fact I still feel that way but I don't fight it anymore, I've embraced it. Groucho Marx said it best: "I wouldn't want to be part of any club that would have me as it's member."

Having said this, I'm sure all of us here on this forum recognize you as a member of our tribe of loonies. Welcome to the family.

Hi Dubble--would you like to share what happened to make you so sad?

Alienation and depression feed off each other.
Fight the depression with pills and the alienation with psychotherapy.

I've never fit in, at school or home or anywhere else for that matter, and I've never looked like and acted like I did, and really, I've done pretty well; not fitting in has never hurt me, and besides, some groups aren't worth fitting in with.

...my life happened to me...or I happened to it.

it's just been such a battle. I have bad thoughts, bad memories.

sometimes I do ok but then I get overwhelmed with the world and in my head it's impossible...bpd confusion and relationship woes...and nothing good seems to last for long no matter how hard I try

I am resentful and jealous of people doing well...but I don't want wish them bad times because I will feel worse still.

I feel I'm getting nowhere at all...expect to be alone because I am so difficult...I am not at peace as I search for why? and what? and how?

so even ok times are complicated and wear me down...and I eventually hit real low and that brings about additional problems.

I push everybody away.....I have a bunch of 'diagnosed' issuses that inter-relate and interact.

I dwell on ending things ...but I am not at peace enough or something....though I have had attempts that have been traumatising and others downright lucky I guess...but rather not talk about that.

didn't know I had this much to share

Sounds like you could really benefit from an outside eye-and someone near you who is capable of getting a handle on the specific features of your disorder-and then developing a treatment plan. If you have the means, why not have another go at recovery? It is never, ever too late to try something another time. You are worth it, whatever feelings you might have to the contrary. You've just trapped yourself there, I feel, and you need to find a way to stop chasing your tail.

Ostrasized. An outcast always. This is just the way it is.

It's alright.

We're all weird. In 1way or another...and some more than others...

How to release ones self from the "trap"?

I have no answers...none.

I'm stumped.

Take it easy...

Do you think if you tried therapy again it might help? Sometimes it takes a while the find the right T, one with whom you might feel comfortable enough to open up to and to work with. I surely think you are worth it. and please keep posting and sharing.

Who are you calling loonies?????????????????????LOL

I see depression telling you what it wants you to think. Push back, you do fit in. It is a very lonely road fighting depression but if we had cancer we would fight it. So try hard to push depression back. If we can help let us know.

Getting out of bed has been impossible for me at times. Now for 5 days a week I go into my doctors office, everyday at 8:30 AM. Sometimes I just talk to the front desk but I got up, got out of bed, got dressed, and get outside. The hardest part of the day is over. Not sure if you can try this but it might be worth a shot.

It might sound like an excuse?...but I have had 'it' for so long...

sometimes 'it' would 'lift' for a bit and some enjoyable moments would flow along....even just moments of indescribable joy and enlightenment...probably because of the absence of 'it'

And then 'whuuump!...'its' all back...I fight it passively and aggressively and recklessly and despairingly....and yes I do give up sometimes.

But the last two days I have managed to get outside into the world...out of my 'cave' ...just a tiny tiny expectation that something good might happen or that 'flash' of enlightenment might arrive to give me a boost

thanks everybody

J

"it"....the absence of "it" reveals your true self....the trick is to discover what "it" is caused by.

I don't fit in to normal society, but there are places where I do fit in.

I fitted in with the smart kids at school, with the serious students at university, with the technical people at work, with gamers. There was even a therapy group where I fitted.

I feel at home among the SIs, DIDs and GIDs on the psychotherapy forum here.

When you are depressed, everything seems absolute. "I don't fit in anywhere. No one cares. I'm no good at anything. I''m never going to be happy. Nothing good ever happens to me."

You might want to write down and keep: the one place you did fit in, the one person who did care, the one thing you are good at, etc. Even if you have to go back into your past to find them, they will be a comfort to you. What's happened before can happen again, right? If one good thing happened, there should be others.

Share away, my friend. XOO

...ok then. I am not real excited about sharing this stuff though.
It's one thing to admit depression....to admit feelin' like a loser....a misfit.

it's another thing to delve and open up!

the thing that gets me down the most..where all my true sadness radiates from.
(I have no reasons to write this apart from 'sharing' it)
it's very basic.

I am ALONE.
I am not lonely....because it's interesting that even loneliness can be shared by two people...therefore enhancing their togetherness.

I have not met anybody who can handle me...or is willing to try, and even I know how complicated I am, and moreso I won't even let them try anymore...but the desperate human need for intimacy chews at me like..gnawing away little bits of me each day it seems.
Watching people enjoy each others company...instant sad.
I see single women all over the place and that gets me down even more...instant sad.
I immediately play the loop in my head..."not good enough...failure...complicated"...I have already 'written myself off'...before I even drive out of the show room.

I feel doomed to be alone..I have gone way out far beyond being lonely...I am just alone now! I brush it off...sweep it over into the corner somewhere...but there's no getting rid of it.
and what makes it worse....I reckon everybody who looks in my eyes can tell...see behind my facade and they pity me. well screw them, they have'nt lived my life.
I would do anything even to have a dumb argument with a 'girlfriend'...
I don't care how pathetic I sound.
I have to admit...my lifestyle over the years has made it very difficult to find partners that I actually liked! it was all love and hate.
anyway I left all that behind hoping to recover and have a better life...
it just sux being alone...alot of people are alone I guess.

so there you have it...someone asked and I answered.

monkey

Maybe you could explore who or what makes you think that way. Who was unkind to you?

someone was unkind to me many years ago, someone I cherished and promised my heart to in that young adoring and innocent way.

this person may as well have come from the dark side of the moon...but I could not see that. I simply lost all sense of self or something like that.

sure it might sound dramatic.....but some people have an ability to poison another persons soul...and when you don't expect it?

this type of thing can affect a person for a very long time and percolate through everything in their lives.

just a very unfortunate emotional collision.
I recently had a breakthrough about this when I confronted this person not so long ago....and my borderline reaction was epic. Being older now and realising this person is still a threat to me. I have a long 'ways' to go.

it's just a matter of re-constructing.

In a relationship...the most painful hurt, I believe, is inflicted by some-one
who does not or simply cannot recognise they are inflicting it.
there is no link..no resolution no compassion...no peace.

thanks for asking TerryL

I am sorry someone hurt you so deeply especially when you were so trusting and vulnerable. Still, it sounds like it was unintentional (?) so hopefully, one day, you will be able to forgive them. People are so complicated. I hope one day you will be able to understand why that person treated you the way they did. and also be able to see yourself for who you really are, regardless of how others treat you, and let that inner goodness shine through even more.

Gosh, I was thinking about what I wrote and I wanted to add--I know I said try to forgive because it seemed like it was unintentional from what you posted but I don't know what happened so I don't know if what I said was the right thing to say...I remember the people who hurt me and I don't think I could be friends with them again. I don't wish them anything bad though, but I guess it is like they say, I have forgiven but not forgotten. I have said it a million times but I finally realized I cannot make someone feel something they don't feel (in love or in friendship) but the other person should try at least to be nice about it... For myself, whenever I used to get hurt, I would keep it in, and it would fester. Nowadays, I am slightly (only slightly mind you, and only sometimes) more able to tell the person how I feel about what they did to me. Sometimes it clears the air and starts a conversation, and sometimes the other person gets defensive. Still, I have always been glad I was able to tell them how I felt if nothing else. ...I'm still working on me...