[pauramirez]

Hey everyone...

Im 22 , work part time, live with my parents, sometimes go to school..

let me tell you who i used to be..
I was an outgoing person, always had my head up, cocky .. proud to be me, felt that i had the world in my hands, thought that i had come to this world for something important.. believer in god, loved to do fun activities.. had a great humor ! love to dress up everywhere i went.. loved to travel, go shopping .. movies etc...

heres a background of my parents
dad: chill guy, hardworker, social great dad..
mom: always yelling, complaining, negative tells me i cant do this, that i always give up that i wasnt meant for whatever.. never been close to her.

I recently told my parents i was gay..
i come from a catholic hispanic culture so it was a big hit..
mom still cries about it dad just seems confused..

i had a girlfriend for a year and a half .. ups n down but i loved her n she loved me.. she was in mexico though n i couldnt really go see her as many times as i wanted.. she was my everything.. everyday i would wake up with a smile on my face.. go to work motivated thinking that that money was going to be when we lived together.. we motivated each other but distance started to be an issue.. we took a break cus we would just blowup over the fact that we wouldnt see each other.. i started talking to someone during that time..
she treated me like **** n played me.. why i dont know..! she was a bad person.. n i did my best to get her out of bad habits.. after letting go of this person she begged me back cus her life was a mess without me.. shes been great since then.. BUT ive felt empty..
I love my exgirlfriend.. but im afraid she doesnt want me back n i wouldnt want to hurt her.. i dont want to hurt my current girlfriend but its hard to be the same person..

ive had nightmares for 1 month n a half now straight !i cry for no reason..
i feel ugly, fat... complete low self asteem .. i dont want to do anything , my parents arent really helping they always kept me in a bubble .. to the point that i cant go to the movies after 10om because its too dangerous..
they act different cus i told them i was gay.. which i understand that part..
i dont like shopping no more.. everything just feels so blaaaah ! so empty !
i was always creative.. loved to paint n make things now i cant.. i have headaches constantly.. i have suicidal thought of me or others.. it might just be for a second but i still have them.. i dont care anymore.. i feel like im worthless n if i die today or tomorrow it wouldnt matter..
im not myself .. and i dont know if im gonna be able to find it..
i need help ! i think im going crazy .. n im scared.

[Ipod1]

Hey, I'm 22 also and I know where you're at man. I wish I could give some encouraging words but I can't. All I can say is you're not alone. It's terrible :/

[depressedalaskan]

I used to be someone else also. Not sure where I went. I just know that what you are feeling might go away. How long have you been feeling like this? What made you happy before? Have you ever been seen by a doctor? I guess that is all I can think of for now. Keep us up to date, take care of yourself first, try to have a happy holiday.

[pauramirez]

Originally Posted by depressedalaskan

I used to be someone else also. Not sure where I went. I just know that what you are feeling might go away. How long have you been feeling like this? What made you happy before? Have you ever been seen by a doctor? I guess that is all I can think of for now. Keep us up to date, take care of yourself first, try to have a happy holiday.

Hey thank you for replying..
And to answer ur questions..
ive felt this way for around 3 months which is when me and my exgirlfriend broke up for good but the nightmares and the suicidal thoughts n crying started after i told my parents i was gay...
What made me happy before? MANY THINGS.. drawing, colorings, writing, watching movies, riding atv's, going out with family n friends.. talking to my girl.. even going to work made me happy..
And no i havent seen a doctor but its getting to the point that i need too.."
And to be honest with you i think i big part of this is my breakup with a person i loved n i can try n go back with the person.. but thats just being selfish of my part.. i dont want to use that person.. i want to get out of this one on my own .. be strong !
N for some reason it just gets worst.. today i got ****ed over with paypal n they screwed me with 400 dlrs.. so i dont have money for the holidays ...

[pauramirez]

I feel bad when people tell me im not alone n happy at the same time.. happy cus i can share my story n not feel weird or different but sad over the fact that people are going thru something so sad.. i wish we didnt have to deal with this.

[wontgiveup]

Hi Puramirez...I'm sorry to hear that you're starting to have these feelings...I've battled severe depression since the age of 16, I am 40 years old today, I can definitely identify with what you're going through, it was only within the last few months that I feel completely rid of depression, I feel like I've finally returned to myself (after all these years) Now I'm not saying that it would take many years to return to the way you once felt...I guess what I'm trying to say is..If I knew at the age 16 what I know in my heart now, I would have been healed a long, long time ago.
Fear, Anxiety, Worry, these are all the gifts of the devil...God says in His Word (the Bible) "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7) Now, I know in posting this, there will be many that probably say "Oh, boy here we go, another bible junkie....enough with the Jesus stuff already" and for those that say that or think that, I wish I had some sort of time machine to invite them back to who I was seven years ago. I live in NYC, seven years ago I was the type of person to laugh at people that would approach me in the subway with anything religious, seven years ago I wanted to hear nothing about God. I used to think "How could there be any God and if there was, why would he put me through so much pain. My thinking from that time has changed completely, and it happened only by the grace of God.
Puramirez my advice to you and anyone struggling with depression that is reading this post is this..... The depressed mind, the darkened mind that so many struggle with(usually triggered by something traumatic) says help...I need healing...I can't take this anymore...when will it stop?.... but it's that very mind that battles against the very thing that can heal it completely (the Word of God). The depressed mind is opperating in darkness, we as sinful, fallen humanity naturally gravitate towards darkness, now will a mind as such ever walk towards light? No it won't.......but it's that very light that's the Healing Agent. I say this with all confidence because I lived it, I'm living this, I've battled severe depression for decades and now God has turned me completly around. The devil may attack our minds with all kinds of destructive thoughts...but God...all powerful God will use those very attacks to draw us to Him...I was finally driven to God after all those stubborn years trying to do things my way, trying to come up with my way of healing....It was after I was worn down to the point where I could not fight anymore when I finally turned to God and said.. Lord do what you must. And that where he wanted me all along, a place of complete submission to Him (it took me decades to learn this). God will use the very afflictions of the devil, to bring you to a place of surrender and the realization that it is He and only He that can heal completely. We (man) are proud creatures, we wan't things our way, We hate to be told what to do, we hate to be under the control of anyone..but as long as we persist in this rebellious manner, we will not know the healing that can come from God....We must fight against our tendancy of PRIDE, healing can only be received as we struggle to become humble, push in the direction of humility and recognize that there is a much greater power than ourselves. The more humble we become, the more receptive we will be to the word of God, the more of God's word we receive into our hearts the more healing will take place. The prince of darkness does not wan't anyone to unlock this...."BE PROUD, Harden your heart to all forms of authority" is what he says to us......and as long as this is the mindset of a person, that person will continue to stay in darkness.
A wonderful website to receive the word of God from is www.sermonaudio.com one of the really cool things about this site is the "sermon by topic" search engine. This is how it works-- whatever you may be struggling with, lets say you're dealing with fear today- go to the sermon by topic (located in the left column) click on it and type the word fear in the search box, press search and you may get hundreds of sermons on the topic fear. Whatever you may be feeling; anger, anxiety, loneliness..., just type in the word and listen to as many sermons as you wish on that topic. This is what healed me completely. Submitting to God and receiving His word daily. Ok I've typed enough, Puramirez i pray complete healing for you and everyone else in this forum...Healing is a battle, it does not simply fall into one's lap, but as you fight to move in the direction of God he will give you the strength and grace to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have a wonderful Christmas.
n. morgan
www.keeptrustingGod.com

[depressedalaskan]

((((( pauramirez ))))) 3 months to me is not a long time. This person you love will always be in your heart. In high school I also had what I would call a soalmate. I still think about her. I even have a picture and all the letters she ever wrote to me. We were also far apart, she was in Dakota and I in Alaska. It just did not work for us being so far apart. But anyway I hope you can move on as I did and find someone closer to you. There is a forum on this sight for Relationships & Communication you might try this.
Not sure what to say about being gay. I am not gay so I can't say that I understand. I do have a gay friend that did a lot of talking to me. We did talk about what his dad was going to say when he came out of the closet. It took awhile but his dad finally accepted him for who he was. Now he can bring dates over to his fathers and not feel awkword. I think it will just take some time for your family to understand. Or more so to be comfertable about it. I new that my friend was gay but it also took me some time to feel comfertable around him when he would bring a date around. Not sure why but it did.
Always remember this, Your mother and father will always love and care about you. This will never change. Good luck, always feel free to post here.

[Severijn]

hi pauramirez.

I think this is a good time to find some extra support. Contacting a therapist/counselor is a good idea. Sometimes life gets too tough to deal with it on your own.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by pauramirez

Hey thank you for replying..
And to answer ur questions..
ive felt this way for around 3 months which is when me and my exgirlfriend broke up for good but the nightmares and the suicidal thoughts n crying started after i told my parents i was gay...
What made me happy before? MANY THINGS.. drawing, colorings, writing, watching movies, riding atv's, going out with family n friends.. talking to my girl.. even going to work made me happy..
And no i havent seen a doctor but its getting to the point that i need too.."
And to be honest with you i think i big part of this is my breakup with a person i loved n i can try n go back with the person.. but thats just being selfish of my part.. i dont want to use that person.. i want to get out of this one on my own .. be strong !
N for some reason it just gets worst.. today i got ****ed over with paypal n they screwed me with 400 dlrs.. so i dont have money for the holidays ...

If you fell rejected by your parents, it's no surprise that you aren't happy.

But you're 22. Do you have to live at home?

[kaliope]

much of what you describe can be likened to symptoms of depression. it would be beneficial for you to find a therapist to help you sort out your feelings before things get much worse.