i need help

i don't know how to make my husband understand what's going on. he just doesn't get it. i try to protect him by putting on a show. when i try to talk to him about it, he gets worried that it's his fault. i don't want to scare him, but i want him to be more aware of the fact that i'm going thru hell right now. i just want to curl up in a ball and die. i'm so sick of life. why do i keep myself going thru hell when i can just end it? i couldn't cause that pain to those who love me, but a girl can wish... something is eating me up inside, and it's gettin bigger...

One Perspective: Your husband probably cannot handle right now all you want to tell him about how you are feeling. The words "depression" and "anxiety" carry all sorts of varied and mostly negative, even adversarial meanings for people. You might be able to skirt the guilt problem by stressing the biological angle. You are suffering from an illness that interferes with brain function and it affects your mood and emotions. If you had a broken leg, that would affect your walking. It's not his "fault," he cannot "fix" it and it's not his responsibility to fix it. (This not being the other's responsibility to fix depression is something I stressed early on with my spouse.) At the very most he might be able to make you feel a little more comfortable, but that's it.

Please keep posting, Curlydee.

Edit: Even if your husband can grasp something of what you are going through, it may nevertheless greatly unsettle him that he's facing something he cannot control or influence.

((((curlydee)))) I am not sure I am the one to say this as I have the same problem, noboby understands me. After 10 years of my battle I am openning up about how I feel. One person at a time. Not sure if it is going to work but I did have one person tell me that they understood and had been there. It is very hard to say something. But maybe you could educated your husband, bring a book home on depression and share it with him. Run depression search on line and show him you are not the only one that suffers from depression. Only ideas, you have to do what you think is best. Talking this over with a doctor would be a huge plus. Good luck - try to have a good new year..