....this is my very weird stage of depression! Right where I am at now, today.
I am annoyed that I want to live...I now have to face life and all of it's difficulties, and with no way out of it!
I'm annoyed....it's gotta' sound weird, it's gotta be too strange to explain?

ya' see....I have spent over half my life obsessed with my death. Much of my living has been all about my dying. All my starts were made complete by their inevitable ends.

Suicidal ideation began as an idle thought for me....from there it became a hobby....after that it became a fantasy....until finally it became a full on romance!
The thing with all romances, however, is that someone, or in this case something is going to want a committment, and despite all my efforts to make the committment and all my dedication....

I ended up cheating on death and began an affair with life. But I am finding that life can be alot harder to live with than death and this is why I am annoyed.

...BUT, allthough the relationship I now have with life is a difficult one, it has much more chance of becoming a true romance and will likely last alot longer than a fling with death.

and....now that I have made a committment to life, it seems that death doesn't want anything to do with me anymore...not even a one night stand.

hmmm....

...and not tryin' to be funny....it's just that the metaphor works for me.

so I guess the question is how does one end a 20 year relationship with death especially with the gi-normous weight of depression upon one-self?

I simply got way too close one night, much closer than ever before, and I saw death for exactly what it was, a big liar! it wasn't going to make me feel better!...I realised my romance with death was actually going to kill me!

and so I cheated....right there in front of it and life was there waiting for me as it always had been.

...and life puts alot of demands on me now, but it won't let me down like death would have,

and...thats about it

[CgRgSm]

Ok, you have royally confused me. I don't get this whole "romance" thing. Life and death are not beings or can "want something to do with you". Have you been attempting suicide, doing self-inflicting pain, or what? You should give us some real life examples of what you're getting at with this metaphor. To me, life is not a commitment of any kind. There is no choice of the matter, there only is or is not. I didn't choose to be born, I was forced into this world and hell, if you're asking me I don't think that I really "chose" anything at all.

Originally Posted by CgRgSm

Ok, you have royally confused me. I don't get this whole "romance" thing. Life and death are not beings or can "want something to do with you". Have you been attempting suicide, doing self-inflicting pain, or what? You should give us some real life examples of what you're getting at with this metaphor. To me, life is not a commitment of any kind. There is no choice of the matter, there only is or is not. I didn't choose to be born, I was forced into this world and hell, if you're asking me I don't think that I really "chose" anything at all.

ok no worries...I am glad you asked. To come up with what I write just imagine how confused I can get?!
Just like you I was likewise not consulted about my entrance into this world....and was furious for years that I was here, alive...forced to live in this 'hell'. until I discovered I had a 'choice' whether I wanted to stay here...living in this hell!
The only alternative was to be dead instead. People arrive at suicidal ideation in their own personal way I guess. ever heard of "flirting with an idea?"...this is how my metaphor developed...and because my obsession with suicide and my death was so deep and went on for so long and gave me the perfect escape and therefore pleasure to indulge in...then I refer to it as a romance. It came before everything else, it was my fascination, my continous mystery and in some aroundabout way even kept me alive.

...it's not necessarily life and death are beings?...but desires and needs are 'things'...that are 'alive' with passion, and with enough wanting and needing then one or the other can become a reality I suppose.

I am not interested in giving you examples of my suicidal experiences today, I doubt they have any use. I can assure you I have been there done that. I will say this though....I didn't choose to have depression, nor did I choose to fantasise about suicide. I did, however, choose to act on my fantasies...and I did choose to continue doing so.
And at this stage in my life I have chosen to commit to living which simply means I have refused to choose to 'flirt' with the alternative.

I have never been this close to being so far away from killing myself...it even had me confused CgRgSm..I apologise for confusing you...I hope this has helped a bit?

[roads]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

and so I cheated....right there in front of it and life was there waiting for me as it always had been.

...and life puts alot of demands on me now, but it won't let me down like death would have,

and...thats about it

I kinda had this feeling
that there just might be
a bit of the cheater
in you ... & I'm so glad.
** hugs galore **


Roadrunner

[lynn P.]

I think I understand what you're trying to say dubblemonkey. When the topic of suicide ideations has come up, some talk about it as a security - meaning at least this is an option from suffering...not a good one but when someone is desperate for pain to end, I imagine the thought at least gives some relief. I don't agree or support this idea, since I'm against suicide but I can see where its coming from. You've devoted probably a great deal of thought and time to the idea, so now you have to think of something else.

Maybe you can give "death" or the idea of it a little funeral lol. Write down your feelings and go outside...maybe bury it or light a match to the paper..do this outside though lol. I'm happy you're far away from killing yourself - I lost my brother 4 yrs this April. You can make a new contract for a commitment to living.

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I think I understand what you're trying to say dubblemonkey. When the topic of suicide ideations has come up, some talk about it as a security - meaning at least this is an option from suffering...not a good one but when someone is desperate for pain to end, I imagine the thought at least gives some relief. I don't agree or support this idea, since I'm against suicide but I can see where its coming from. You've devoted probably a great deal of thought and time to the idea, so now you have to think of something else.

Maybe you can give "death" or the idea of it a little funeral lol. Write down your feelings and go outside...maybe bury it or light a match to the paper..do this outside though lol. I'm happy you're far away from killing yourself - I lost my brother 4 yrs this April. You can make a new contract for a commitment to living.

I am so very sorry Lynn P, about you brother...so sorry.

...I love the idea there...for the little outdoor ceremony, fantastic imagination you have. a funeral for death...lol, it might be the only time it makes sense that funeral starts with f u n
thankyou

[lynn P.]

Thank you for the sympathy about my brother dubblemonkey. Yeah I like the idea of a ceremony for Mr or Mrs Death - adding a bit of dark humor lightens up the situation - attaching a visual also helps. Maybe you can help someone else one day, since you fully understand the feelings.

[summeryoga]

J,

This is, hands down, the most awesome thing you have written to date. I can say so many things, but I will keep it simple: I am moved, proud of you, and honored to get to witness this awakening in your life.

You have so much to live for, J. So much. I'm just so glad you are starting to see that.

xooooooooo

[bluemountains]

As usual, dubblemonkey, I enjoy reading and rereading your thoughts. Your insight is unique. I am glad that you have a new take on death, but sorry that you are missing your old friend. Bid him goodbye and good riddance.
Bluemountains

[athena2011]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

I have never been this close to being so far away from killing myself...it even had me confused

I love this, Monkey. And I'm glad you've decided to send the grim reaper away. Yah, I understand, when he's the only friend you have life can be tough. But remember you have friends here, you don't need to miss him. He's an alluring friend, I'll give you that. But he does much better work if left to work on his own time. He'll just botch everything up if you try to speed him up.

Here's another name he goes by, you may enjoy this: