Depressed and hopeless.

I feel alone, depressed, angry and hopeless and I dont see a possibility of me leading a happy life. I feel like every day is a struggle for me to survive. Just am fighting my unhappiness and going through the motions of yet another day.

Im 23 and alone. Ive not had a friend in 4 years. I am socially akward and I have acne which makes me not want to be around people even more since I hate how I look. Once I got to college I just sort of stopped trying to make friends with people, and I ve pretty much been a loner ever since.

In regards to my history with the opposite sex, it is also pathetic. Ive kissed a girl a handful of times, and the one time I had sex I discovered that sex might always be painful or nearly impossible for me. This has made my depression much worse, because I feel worthless and that no woman will ever want to be with me.

To be more specific I have a significant curve in my penis to the left and have had it for as long as I remember. Erections were always occasionally painful, but when I tried having sex it became so painful that I had to stop. The most pleasurable experience in life causes me pain and humiliation.

ON top of this my condition as gotten worse, to the point where an erection at the moment and for the past month is impossible for me because of the pain. I most likely have peyronie's disease which there is no real cure for. All I can do now is wait and hope it gets better by itself, which doesn't seem likely. If that happens I could try some risky surgeries that could make me unable to ahve an erection or lose all sense of feeling in my penis.

So yea, I feel like a worthless person. I fell broken and hopeless. Ive started seeing a therapist and started a group session for social anxiety, but I dont even think those will help me much when theres real physical parts of that will never be normal. How I am supposed to get over this. I am 23 but my life feels over already. Its a very likely scenario that I will never be able to have sex and I will be alone because of it. Ive been crying every night thinking about this and I find it hard to want to keep living. I wish I was dead pretty much every night so I dont have to face this pain and humiliation that is my life.

So thats my pathetic story.

That's really difficult news. You should definitely see a doctor if you haven't already, since you don't know for certain what it is. I just did a quick search on Peyronie's disease and it seems to usually affect men much older than you. Even if you are right about the diagnosis, surgery may be a better option than leaving it untreated. Also it might be something else that needs to get treated.

But just facing the possibility of a life without sex must be crushing, just when it seems your adult life is just starting out. People normally do eventually adapt to all kinds physiological problems, but that doesn't really help you much right now.

I've definitely felt like life was over a few times when I suffered serious setbacks. But it wasn't over. It kept going and I adapted. It seems like your life is over right now because all your plans for the future may have to change, but the fact is your life is not over and you will adapt.

You have no idea what your future will bring. It may sound sickeningly pollyanna-ish or new age-y, but you have no idea what new doors this may open for you. Crushing defeat may lead to overwhelming victory.

Another thing to think about is the incredible variety of human sexual experience. People have sex in many different ways besides just vaginal intercourse.

It's bad right now, but things will get better. Hang in there.

(((((23andlost))))))

Sending you loads of hugs. I'm sorry you are struggling with these really painful issues. I can understand how depressing it all feels right now. I don't know of the condition you mention but I can only imagine how heartbreaking it feels to believe you won't ever have sex. I wonder if you've talked to your doctors/specialist about these worries? Normally they can talk to you about possibilities to make it easier. I think knowing there might be ways forward could help your social anxiety too.

Obviously I'm female so I don't share the same problem, but I can sort of relate. I have a chronic health condition which involves very sensitive muscles, high exercise intolerance and a lot of pain. A couple of months ago I had sex again with a new partner after 6 years. Without going into graphic detail, it was really painful for me. Even worse, the pain continued and led to a deterioration in health for a few weeks. I felt much the same as you do, that I'll never have sex, that particular pleasure has been denied me etc. I felt angry and bitter and sad. I still have those feelings which are compounded by the fact things might not work out with my boyfriend anyway.

What I'm trying to say is you're not alone in those feelings. I know how horrible they are. I do think getting advice might help. I've heard of people who are paralysed from waist down being able to have sex life so I hope there are possibilties for you.

At the very least, remember sex isn't all about the 'act.' It's as much about foreplay, enjoying the connection another human being, as it is about doing it. Me and my boyfriend spoke about the fact that if it was difficult we didn't have to do everything, it was just just to lay together.

I too have suffered social anxiety and it is crippling. I hope therapy helps. It has me.

Take care.

Thank you both for replying. I thought my thread would just fade away into the old threads and would disappear before anyone responded.

Ive seen my normal doctor, who referred me to a urologist. The urologist too thinks its probably peyronie's disease that I have. Sometimes it can heal by itself after awhile (months or years) and other times it never improves, or gets worse. I think what I had was a natural curve in my penis already, and this past month it became injured more which made the bend much more severe. Peyronie's disease is basically when scar tissue forms in the penis and causes it to bend because the blood flow gets messed up. Once the scar tissue settles for good it doesnt go away and the curve doesnt improve. So basically I have to wait at least one year and hope the scar tissue heals itself. If not, the curve will be permanent, meaning sex probably wont be possible for me. I'd then have to try one of a few risky surgeries that could help or could even make things worse by making erections impossible or giving me numbness and lack of feeling due to nerve damage. There is really no good outcome I can see. I either dont get surgery and walk around with a useless deformed penis, or I get a surgery and risk losing feeling any pleasure when I use my penis. Maybe id be extremely lucky and there would be no bad side effects from the surgery, but I dont feel very hopeful.

Im trying to see some light at the end of the tunnel here, but I really just cant. Even if I can satisfy a woman in other ways besides intercourse. I will never be able to feel the pleasure of having sex. Ill always be humiliated and akward when I am in a relationship. Its a huge horrible secret I have to carry. When I sometimes have felt like a girl might like me, I just distance myself, because its only going to lead to disappointment for both of us if things go further. Say we really like each other, eventually the girl will want sex and then I have to reveal my ****** truth to her. Some girls might still stay with me, but I cannot see them being happy being with a man that cant have sex, and of course other girls would probably just leave me eventually because of this issue. I feel like dating a girl would just be lying to her, because I truly am broken. I feel like Id be tricking a girl if I got in a relationship with her. Shed be expecting a normal person, but I will never be a normal person. Ill always be damaged goods basically.

I mean all I can really hope for in my life is to just somehow find a way to be happy enough to keep on surviving. I cannot see my life being anything but numb and empty if all it involves is me working, eating, sleeping and trying to make it to the next day knowing Ill never be normal or as happy as most people. I really just dont know how long I could handle that. I have a small degree of hope my situation could resolve itself now, but eventually Ill know for sure if sex will forever be an impossibility for me. The uncertainty of it is driving me nuts too, since I have to wait at least a year to see if the condition improves. And then if it doesnt I have to decide whether I am going to risk a surgery that could mess me up for life even more.

Dreamy01 thanks for the internet hug heh. I could use a real one pretty badly. I wasnt expecting that a woman would be able to sort of relate to what I am going through. I wouldnt wish this fate on anybody, but I guess it is sort of nice to know that someone else out there understands my pain. Ive been depressed about other things as well, but I am usually able to pull myself out of that hole often and function semi-normally. This realization though that I might never be able to have sex has been too much for me. Every time I see myself naked I break into tears because I cannot help but be reminded of my problem. At night I try not to think about it, but I cant help it and it just makes feel like crap and I freaking cry and feel terrible. I am really considering going on anti-depressents for the first time in my life. I have always been fearful of the side effects, but at this point I dont really care what they do to me. I just want to stop feeling so bad all the time.

I told my urologist that this has been making me extremely depressed because I fear Ill never be able to have sex. I really almost just started crying right there. Think she could tell how sad I was and she tried to cheer me up and said "you will have sex" a few times, but from what Ive read about this condition, I know that she cannot promise that. All she could tell me was to come back in a few months so she could see if its changed and that Id have to wait at least a year before a surgery could be done if I needed one.

Err sorry this is kind of all over the place, Im tired and need to go sleep. But again, I really appreciate you 2 responding. Makes me feel a little less alone thanks.

I'm just sorry you have to go through this. It is really unfair. I can understand the dilemma re whether to have an operation and I guess the only way forward is to weigh up the options. Obviously the impact on sex is the most horrible part. I understand what you mean about the painful erections and not being able to experience the pleasure of sex. I don't know what to say except I do hear you...I also understand why you'd feel the need to distance yourself from potential girlfriends. The thing is, and this might sound a bit trite, the right person will like you for who you are. I know how lame that sounds but I know someone who is 100% bedridden and incontinent and she met her husband while being transfered to a hospital just after her abusive husband left her. Her new husband was the taxi driver. She can't have sex at all - she is way too ill. Yet her husband loves her for who she is. I know it all sounds hopeless but I do think that given the right circumstances there will be someone out there for you - who recognises your struggle and sees past the sex issues. But I guess it's not much consolation and it doesn't take away the pain and hopelessness you're feeling. And of couse it doesn't take away the fact you want to experience sex and should be able to. I wish it was different for you and I hope it will be later on.

Anyway, you're not alone. Hang in there and keep posting if you want to.

I guess yes there's a small possibility I could meet someone who could look past this. I just feel like I dont have many redeeming qualities that would make up for this shortcoming though. Im not very attractive and I have acne and have had it for about 10 years. I feel as if I have very little personality as well and because I get anxious around people I have trouble just talking to people. Im just the total package for a girl huh... I've just been feeling like any self-improvement isnt worth the effort because ill still have other big problems. But I guess all I can do for now is try to work on my anxiety issue so I might as well do that.

You can find someone. You seem like an intelligent and compassionate young man. That, in itself, is a lot to offer in a relationship. And.... physical closeness, touching, holding one another, is by far more important than anything else. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Try to remain hopeful. (((((( HUG )))))))

I echo Beautifullybroken's words. It's obvious you have a lot to offer from how you come across in your posts. Do hold onto hope - you never know what's around the next corner and it can be good. Sending hugs and healing.

Hi, like your user name, if mine was like that it'd be 22andlost. I can't say I have anything like your physical problems, and I'm sorry. I do feel very alone, depressed, and hopeless though. I have been a single guy for all my life. I feel like I don't have anything to offer to anyone in all aspects of social activity. With my depression, no one would ever want to be around me, but I have sort of accepted it. At least you were able to kiss a girl I suppose. That is better than me, I have never done anything more than talk to one. And I'm sure that whatever I say is the total wrong thing and anyone that hears it will steer clear of me.

Yea I guess I need to just trying to get better at talking to people so maybe I could meet a girl that would look past my problems. I just dont know how I would handle being rejected a lot because of my physical problem, so its like i just want to avoid that potential situation completely.

I had another social anxiety group session thing and even there I feel like I am sort of an outcast. They all were talking about how they had some friends at least and some of them had relationships. I just felt like I was so crappy and couldnt even relate to these people that have one similar problem to me since I have many others. My first session I was just so nervous that I barely said a few words. This recent one I tried talking, and ended up sort of rambling without thinking enough about what I was saying and I just ended up looking like an idiot. Like I started mentioning some of the other problems I had because I thought the question the therapist asked was related to that, so I started talking about how ive had acne and it bother me a lot and Im worried people are judging me all time for having it. It sort of was not related to the question she asked at all and they they probably all think I am a weirdo now too heh. Thats how I am a lot though. I always feel like I am missing the point of what people are saying, or I give an answer that just confuses them or gives off a meaning that I dont intend. Im going to try to force myself to go again next week, but I have been like thinking about how I probably came across really weird when I talked and Im sort of afraid of going back again heh.

cgrgsm Ive kissed girls barely though heh. So I am not better off than you. Ive kissed 3 girls total and only a few times each. And its been like 3 years since I kissed a girl. So Im probably still a really terrible kisser and am pretty much like ive never kissed a girl basically.

Ive been unhappy a long time, even before Ive had my recent physcical problems. Ive been depressed and shy and stuff and just sort of like fantasized or hoped that a girl would sort of reach out to me and Id fall in love and be happy or something stupid. Thats never happened, and I dont think its very likely to. I think that for me and you too we need to like work on our depression and other problems so when we do interact with people we will feel more confident. I just saw this thread that is sort of related to this: Made sense to me sort of.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=219961

Hi 23andlost , I dont really know at this point what i could say to you, that would make you feel better, but i want you to know, that you do not have to go through this alone, sometimes , just being able to talk to people on this site can be helpfull.
I can relate also to a lot of what you have said about how you are feeling, except for the sexual part of what you are talking about. I can only imagine how it must be for you at such a young age and i do hope you can get the medical treatment you need.
I sincerly wish you the very best and remember if you need to express your feelings, feel free to talk on this site. Do take care.

Thanks for the response. Yea even if it might not make me feel much better, still is nice to have somewhere to vent about this stuff.

Just an update for anyone that cares.

Overall have still been feeling the same. Still have trouble just getting motivated to get out of bed and do the basic things in life. Most of the time Ive still just feel terrible and lonely. The one on one therapy sessions Ive been having haven't really done much to help me yet it feel like. The social anxiety group sessions feel like they will help me if I stick to it long term though.

So have a dr. appointment about my penis problem today. Am nervous and dreading it because I fear I'll just hear more bad news or that there's not much they can do.

Good luck with your doctors appointment!

One on one therapy can feel like it takes for ever to get started, simply because it can take a long time to feel comfortable with a T. I think if you stick with both group and one on one for a bit, you might start to feel it helping. Also, keep in mind that's it much easier to stay depressed than it is to feel better. Even though it's painful, it's known and change can be scary no matter how much we want it.... I just started group therapy myself, so I understand feeling anxious in that setting...

I do believe there is a girl out there for you. I don't know if it helps to hear that or not...

Good luck, let us know how your appointment goes! Take care!