[minky]

Hi everyone,

Ermmm... i dont quite know what to say.

Ive been, until recently, secretly dealing with depression. I think it stems from when i had glandular fever a few years back. I spent alot of time when i was ill alone at Uni without my family. And now i see a counsellor once a week but i wanted to talk to like minded people cos i kinda hoped you would understand.

Im 20 and would you believe a cheerleader, yet i find it so hard to even like myself. Im crying now cos im admitting what i think.

Its hard to pinpoint what i dont like... all i know is that im single and lonely and i dont think im ever gonna be happy.

When people give me compliments i throw it back in their faces and laugh like what they are saying is a lie. I dont believe anything people say cos ive been lied too so much and let down too often.

Ive fallen in love with one of our football players... we've kissed a couple of times and i finally (a year later) admitted i liked him... he said there was too much water under the bridge for anything to happen between us.Im crushed, all it has done is reinforce the hatred i have of myself.

All i want is to nt hate myself and to be happy.
But due to cut backs the light at the end of my tunnel has been turned off )

Thanks for reading this... it helps to get it off my chest

[Duchess]

Hello Minky,
welcome to our forum.. The light at the end of your tunnel has only been shut off temporarily, that string to that light is very well protected and within time someone very special will jump up high to grab it and let the sun shine,when you least expect it.you won't be lonely for long. but, it's a good thing you are because now is the time for you to focus on your self and the things you want to do in life, and find ways to make your self better. I have been depressed for many years now and every year it only got worse I would try and find people to make me HAPPY. not realizing happiness was within myself. I am on the road to recovery and still have a long journey. I was in a relationship for 8yrs and when it ended I thought my whole world had ended and no one could replace this co- dependant relationship I built my life around....5 yrs later I had a friend & that friendship became love a love I thought could never be replaced. don't ever doubt what other people are saying. you must give them the benifit of the doubt. or else you'll find yourself - by yourself....
trust me I learned the hard way and at this presant moment still trying to fix that part of my life. no one is perfect and if there is too much water under the bridge then hunney jump on your boat and start sailing b/c he ain't worth it... remmber you deserve the best in life. don't ever sell yourself short b/c of your heart.. I hope you keep posting and I'm more then positive you will enjoy our forum and the people that comfort you in here also . keep in touch
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Duchess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MYGOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MYGOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1

[MDepDove]

Minky,

Its pretty courageous of you to admit that you are depressed and come out in the open with it. Only a couple of my closest friends know that I have a problem with depression. I'm 21 and have been struggling with depression for 3 years now off and on. More on than off.

I understand what you mean when you saw that you don't believe the compliments that people give you, I've been lied to alot too. About the guy, someone else will come along. A guy is not worth getting depressed over.


MDepDove

[dexter]

>>Im 20 and would you believe a cheerleader, yet i find it so hard to even like myself.

Try to keep in mind that this is one of the classic symptoms of depression. It doesn't matter what good or bad we have going for us, the depression makes us focus on the bad and unable to see the good, and often even makes the good feel like something bad.

It is very hard to deal with, but remind yourself as often as you can that you are good. That is the truth, and it is just the darkness of the depression that makes you unable to see the truth.

The negative thoughts are there, and will be there until you can find your way through the depression, but hold in your heart that the negative thoughts, althouth they feel very real, are a part of the illness and don't have anything to do with reality.

Good luck

[Sam]

Hi Minky and welcome to the forum. I think you will find a great group of people here that do care and are so very supportive, so please feel free to post and reply as often as you like.

I think it is always hard to tell another exactly how you feel. Sometimes, it can even be difficult to understand what you're going through without even trying to explain to someone else. And you ask yourself all these questions - sometimes more questions than answers.

And I'm glad you came and posted. In doing that you have taken a very important first step. There may very well be several first steps to take, for example, to admit you have a problem, and then another in coming here and posting.

I think many people deal with depression secretly, but I am sure it is healithier for one to share their pain with people that care, and you will find we do care. I think by doing that it is eaiser to see we are not going through this by ourselves, plus we can gain from experiences others have had.

And I know it is almost instinctive to perhaps question if you will get anything helpful online from a group of people you don't know and have never met, but I can tell you this ... there are no pressures on us to tell you what you want to hear, and therefore whatever we do tell you is honest and comes from the heart.

I think it is a great think to admit what you think (another 1st step), because once you do that, you are able to move on to the next step and do something about it.

And it's easy to be down on yourself when depressed and harder still to believe others when they pay you compliments, but one rule of thumb will always hold true for you, and that is, if several people tell you good things about yourself, then there has to be some truth about it.

It is so easy to not like one's self when depressed, and to lose focus on what the real problem is. It's like a big hole that you've fallen in and all the weight holds you back and makes it impossible to get out of that hole. Funny thing about that hole - when you first stepped into it, it didn't seem that big until suddenly, it was so deep it was impossible to get out of it. Or at least, that is how it was for me.

The very important thing here is to realize the thing that is to be hated here is not you, but the depression. I hope you're able to channel those bad feelings from you to the illness. The illness, the depression, that is what is bad here - not you.

Love is, or can be a very ugly beast. In a perfect world, those we loved would love us back the same way we love them, but, we don't live in a perfect world and I guess we all have been rejected by someone at sometime or another. I know I have.

It is quite possible that now is not a good time to be in a serious relationship anyway. I'm thinking you are the most important thing in your universe (and that is how it should be), so maybe now would be a good time for you to try and take care of you first and love, marriage and family will follow. Of that I am sure, for I read you to be a nice person and very intelligent (hey, if there's one thing I'm good at, it is reading people - even from posts) and there are more fish in the sea so to speak than that one guy who just isn't smart enough to realize what he lost.

By your coming here and posting you are showing you are working forward (not backward) to be a happier person. I sure hope it works out for you and if there is anything I can do to help, to talk, email, or post and reply here - I will do my very best.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."