why???

i dont have many freinds...but no one ever calls me cause they genuinely wants to hang out or shoot the ****...i seem to be there last resort always...but the minute they do call me and im doing something ex: at the beach...they get pissed cause i didnt invite them...and i feel bad afterwards...so i try to reach out and they just ignore me.

i rephrase i dont have any real freinds...i did at one point...atleast i felt like i did...and that pretty much went out the door

Sounds like you might benefit from finding some new friends.

I would say you need some new friends as well. Or maybe you could even ask your friends what is up with the way they act towards you.

that seems to be an impossible task for me

im kinda tired of it already...im a self sabotoger aswell... im 23 about to be 24...it sucks not having freinds..and i dont want to live life without them but i cant take it anymore

Oh me toooooo been sabotaging myself for years.....I've vowed to stop doing that recently

bagged5pt7, perhaps the problem is that you and your present friends don't have enough interests in common to create a stronger bond between you. Also, perhaps you are getting frustrated because you're trying to figure out where you fit in your present friends' lives rather than whether or not they fit in the life you are trying to create for yourself.

Regardless of how it may appear, making true friends and maintaining healthy and mutually-respectful friendships/relationships is difficult for everyone. I would suggest, if I may, that you try to connect with people who share specific interests with you; e.g., if you enjoy art, go to museums, galleries, showings, and meet people who frequent those places and events; listening to/playing music? go to places where the music you enjoy is being performed, or get with others to play music you all enjoy; literature/writing? book stores and clubs, readings, online events, etc. - I'm sure you get my drift.

Identify your passions and loves, then go to the places where people are enjoying and engaged in doing the kinds of things you love and are passionate about in order to meet and establish relationships with people who have more interests in common with you. Don't rob yourself of the friendships you could have by giving up too soon. lynn09

i used tgo have alot of freinds...and then they just vanished...deep depression kicked in...and havent been able to slip out of it...so it makes really hard to meet new people

I've been dealing with Major Depressive Disorder, ADHD/ADD, PTSD, Social Anxiety, and some chronic medical conditions my entire life, and am well-acquainted with the difficulties you are having. I live alone, have no children or family, can no longer work, am pretty much house-bound now, and do not have the opportunity to interact with or meet new people other than online. So, please believe me, I hear you and am not unfamiliar with how you feel and the difficulties you are experiencing.

That being said - if the lots of friends you used to have just vanished, I have to wonder how you are defining "friend." We all have many acquaintances who drift in and out of our lives throughout our lifetimes, and even those precious few true friends come and go, as well. If we rely solely upon others present in our lives to make us feel better about ourselves, our self-esteem is going to fluctuate with the ebb and flow of the tides - the comings and goings of others in our lives. What you really want to develop is consistently healthy self-esteem so that your feelings about yourself and your fellow humans are not tossed about by every change in the breeze and scene.

The bottom-line being just this: you must first be your own best friend. You are the one person who is always with you when no one else is no matter the situation or circumstance. Learn to treat yourself the way you would want good friends to treat you; learn to treat yourself with the same care, compassion, respect, and trust you would show a friend and you want your friends to show you. Learn how to enjoy the time you spend with you - when you are comfortable with yourself, other people will be more comfortable with you, and will be drawn to you.

We humans are more alike than different, so you can be certain that there are many, many other people feeling just as you do and experiencing the same difficulties as you - perhaps even some of your former and present friends. Use your experiences to further develop your empathy for others so you can connect with them on a deeper and more meaningful level. Relationships of any kind are more about who those involved are being rather than what everyone is doing.

Hoping for more fulfilling days for you in the future. lynn09

how can i learn to do that though...sounds dumb but i have no clue on where to start

No, bagged5pt7, it doesn't sound dumb, and it isn't dumb - NO ONE is born knowing all this stuff. Life has no Owner's Manual - it's a learn-as-you-go, on-the-job-training kind of thing - the only constant in life is change - and just about everything in life is a process. It's not about what you and/or others think you do/do not deserve, but obtaining the knowledge and wisdom you NEED to become the person you want to be. In my opinion, this is our society's greatest failing - that the vast majority of people are not taught throughout childhood how to respect and love themselves and others, how to develop healthy self-esteem which is the foundation for creating healthy and appropriate boundaries (what you do/do not allow yourself to do; what you do/do not allow others to do to you). Parents and other of society's "elders" should be teaching the children such things, but they cannot teach what they don't know themselves; so, the damage escalates exponentially from generation to generation. But, I digress...

At some point, we have to take on the responsibility of "parenting" ourselves - become both our teacher and pupil - some sooner, some later, depending on the individual and their particular situation. Where to start?

Perspective: How you see/define yourself, others, life, etc. Imagine a transparant sphere; in the center of the sphere is you, others, situations, whatever. You are at a certain point on the surface of the sphere observing whatever is in the center (yourself, others, situations, etc.). If you are always observing from the same position on the sphere, you're pretty much always going to see the same thing. What you want is to learn how to shift your perspective - how to move to different vantage points on the sphere so you can get a more complete picture of what you are observing and dealing with.
You identify your present perspective by examining your inner dialog - your self-talk - your "I am," "You are," "It is" statements.

You can make a little exercise out of this - make 2 columns on a piece of paper (or on your computer); label one column "Positive" and the other one "Negative," then write down the things you say to yourself about yourself in the appropriate column. This will give you a pretty good read on the status of your self-esteem, as well as how you are defining your identity. Don't be afraid to be honest - forget about judging and blame-placing; they serve no constructive purpose, will only lower your self-esteem and slow you down, and are actually irrelevant. You know that saying demeaning, debasing, hypercritical, hurtful things to others is verbal abuse. Well, saying those things to yourself is abuse, too. It is just as wrong to abuse yourself as it is to abuse others and for others to abuse you. It doesn't matter who you are right now other than defining your starting point. What matters is who you want to become and learning what things to keep and what to discard in order to get where you want to go.

Do the same exercise with what you say to yourself about others ("You are"), and the same thing with what you say about life, a particular situation, etc. ("It is") - you get the drift.

On another piece of paper or screen, write the definition of the identity you want to create - write down the character traits of the kind of person you want to become; e.g., courageous, kind, honest, reliable, compassionate, generous, loving, supportive, fair, forgiving, etc. Your identity is defined by the philosophies you choose to embrace and manifest through your thoughts, attitudes, words, and actions.


Supposedly, someone once asked Michelangelo how he managed to carve his magnificent "David" masterpiece out of a shapless lump of marble. Supposedly, Michelangelo responded, "I just removed everything that wasn't David."

Right now, you are a shapless lump of marble out of which you are going to carve your identity - your life - your masterpiece.

Just like preparing to take a trip, you have to pinpoint on the map where you are and where you want to end up in order to see the best route to take. Of course, there are always going to be unexpected detours, side trips, mechanical breakdowns, occasional hazardous weather, etc., so you have to stay flexible and make allowances for such things; in other words, you must be compassionate and forgiving towards yourself.

I hope this gives you some idea of how to start this process. Please let me know if I need to clarify or further expound on anything - I'm really trying not to write a book here. lynn09

im gonna try and see what happens

Good for you, bagged5pt7! "Why?" becomes "Why not?" You've got nothing to lose by trying and possibly a lot to gain. Once you've got the basic concept, I'm sure you'll come up with other ideas for tracking, mapping, and shifting perspective that work best for you.

All my best! lynn09

you shouldnt be their last resort. i know finding knew friends can be rough, i've had to deal with that alot lately, but you owe it to yourself to be happy and move on if they don't treat you like a friend. Don't be so hard on yourself. Like Lynn09 said, you have nothing to lose, put yourself out there!(i know its easier said than done though) best of luck bagged5pt7

KJ