[falling star]

I am overwhelmed with the mistakes i have made. I can't seem to get past it. Right now I am just torn up about leaving my mom when she died. I could have stayed with her. My aunt just died and its bringing back all those memories of that time with mom. She never would have left me. What was i thinking? im such an idiot...

[bohogypsy]

You feel ashamed/guilty for leaving? It must have been quite a painful situation to be in. It's not surprising those emotions and memories came to surface for you, plus the feelings of guilt for not staying with your mother at her time of death. Do you honestly think she would blame you for leaving? or that she would think any less of you? why do you think less of yourself? It sounds, to me, as if you were dealing with your responses as best as you could at that time. You're being quite tough on yourself if you begin to compare situations - the regrets you have and the thoughts of things you think you should have done or think you should have been capable of. It is what it is! no judgment necessary. Also, not being able to handle the situation does not necessarily mean that you an uncaring person or love less.

It's okay to make 'mistakes'. Everyone does make mistakes so give yourself permission to make them and try not to judge yourself too harshly for them - it's perfectly okay! Forgive yourself! Big hugs to you. Remember to give yourself space to fully grieve xx

[falling star]

Thank you for writing. I guess i could argue like i do in my mind all the time, but i appreciate you writing. Thank you. In reality, no one and nothing is going to help, but I thought writing might. I don't know what to do. Those hotlines are only for severe cases and my couselor doesn't care, friends are tired of it, and have to try to fake it at work. I just cry a lot. How can i get some help? Im poor. My aunt says i need to be on medication, but no insurance. maybe i don't care.

[Bmee2]

Hi falling star,
i do not really have any advice. Mistakes can be learning events. What can you do that will help you feel more at ease with your decision? Would volunteering at a nursing home help? Okay you left your mom, can you be there for someone else? Since you cannot change the past...what was done is done and cannot be undone. So what can you do now?

[bohogypsy]

I'm not sure what is available to you in the US(?) so I can't give any input on that. Sorry!

What would you argue? writing is a useful medium and it can assist with getting your thoughts and emotions out - express them. If you find it useful, even in the slightest sense, keep at it!

If you don't mind me asking, what are your expectations regarding help? what do you expect others to be able to do? they certainly can't do all the work for you because you do have to meet them part-way. It sounds as though you're in a very lonely space right now and you feel unsupported. Those feelings of despair are okay. Whatever you feel is valid and deserves expression, so don't try to bottle it down. Really allow yourself to get it all out...whether it's through crying...beating up a pillow... writing...etc. Let it out. I'm sure you do care because you are questioning your state of being (your pain) and wish it all to stop(?). However, in wanting it all to stop you're kind of resisting it and trying to push it away. You perceive the pain, but are struggling against the pain - avoid it. To put it simply, whatever you resist persists. So, see if you can try to shift (it will be hard at first) your attitude towards what you're experiencing and instead affirm that what you're feeling is welcome (e.g. 'this feeling of despair is very welcome here'). See if you can pinpoint where you're feeling it (the pain) in your body and accept it. You're hurting deeply and what you feel/experience is very valid. I know it's tough not to be hard on yourself, but do try to take it easy!

[falling star]

I typed a response the other day and read it. It sounded so awful I couldn't post it. I realize my pain is talking and not me. I just need to get control over it. Some moments are ok and others aren't. I am lonely with it because it rises to such heights that I don't expect anyone would ever talk to me again if they knew what my insides were like. I guess as far as help, I just want someone to help me not feel so bad about myself. I need help rationalizing and acepting the things I have done. I need help accepting myself and quit punishing myself. Somehow I think if I hurt deep enough, long enough, and suffer that it will make things ok again. I don't know anymore.
The good thing is my mom was very smart and I can imagine things she would say to me. She would say: What's done is done. It is what it is. Move forward.
But I know the problem with me is at my core. The person, the real me is not a nice, sincere, honest, kind, loving person. She is selfish and hateful. And the person I hate the most is myself. I have improved from a long time ago. I don't intentionally hurt myself anymore, but it is just there, like a bomb and I don't know when it is going to go off.

[falling star]

I finally saw a counselor today. He could see how much pain I am in. I am glad he showed such concern. It helped.