[NotAnotherDay]

My husband and family dont understand me...Im always sick...there is a loaded gun in my room, why cant i do it? I dont want my two year old daughter growing up and thinking it was somehow her fault...I just hurt so much and its and its getting hard to cope...and besides, im sure my husband will leave me one day for the next most exciting and attractive model...one without any defects like mental and physical illness which never seem to end or get better...i wish i would just die naturally so nobody feels responsible.

I feel exactly the same way. I'm so sorry. I know the anguish and hoplessness you feel very well. I don't even having a kid holding me back but I can see how that would be a strong deterrent for you. I wish I had better advice right now but I'm in exactly the same place. :-(

[Suki22]

did your husband and you say your vows? then I'm sure he will be there for you. I'm glad you can't use the gun. yes, it would affect your daughter greatly and you can't do that to her (and many, many other people that you think don't care, but they do and people here do, too!). can you ask your husband to move the gun somewhere else, out of your reach and your daughter's reach as well? I'm not trying to be preachy and I'm not anti-gun, I'm just a little worried for you. often I wondered what I'd do if I had one in my house and then I'm glad I don't.

you sound like you're at a very low right now--have you sought out professional help? I'd encourage you to do so. how much have you told your husband and family about your feelings? it's a shame when people don't know or care or "get it" when it comes to mental illness. is it a matter of they just don't know the extent of what you're dealing with mentally along with your physical illness?

I wish I could wave a magic wand and remove this feeling from you, NAD (and Lost in DC, too!). hugs to you both.

[Leed]

I agree with Suki ~ Perhaps your husband and family don't understand because you haven't told them! Sweetie, people aren't mind-readers. I guess I used to think that they should instinctively KNOW. But they don't! If I don't tell them how i feel, how in the world are they going to know? Depression isn't always easy to spot, especially when we put on a "fake face." Some of us are good at faking it -- trying to smile when we're miserable. Other times we LOOK miserable, but people think we're either mad, or in a bad mood, or it's "that time of the month."

I'm also a chronic pain patient, so I've always got pain too. Pain and depression go hand in hand. You can't have chronic pain without having some depression. Have you talked to your doctor about this? If you haven't, you MUST. This CAN be treated!!! Depression CAN increase your pain -- so please talk to your doctor as soon as you can.

Hopefully he'll refer you to a good therapist and/or Rx an antidepressant perhaps just temporarily or whatever is needed. Hopefully therapy will take care of it. I wish you the very best. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

[burdsinflite]

I agree that you should probably ask your husband to hide the gun for now. That's just way too dangerous given how you're feeling. Personally, there have been times where I've thought to myself that if I had an easy way at that moment to just end it, I would. But I don't and end up just waiting for the bad feelings to go away.

I'm not sure why you think your husband is going to leave you, I'm sure that's not the case but maybe you should talk to him and be open about how your feeling and your concerns. And your daughter definitely needs you and needs you alive. If you were to take your own life it would definitely mess her up and I'm sure you don't want that. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for her. Please be safe.

*Willow*

[lancetrot]

Hi Notanotherday,
Relax a little. be good to yourself. I mean, you be the one who cares yourself good. how good, you assure you are the one who recognises how good you're, and so you should be the one who genuinely apprectiates you. ok? so be nice to yourself, be nice to your thoughts, be nice to your feelings, appreciate your thoughts appreciate your feelings, be nice to yur body, eat good, sleep good, exericse good, take a nice stroll. and keep your focus on peace of mind, and forbid someone else from shifting your focus, and even your own thoughts. BE GOOD , KIND & LOVING YOURSELF.

[jax01]

It's embarassing, but I had to get the guns out of my house which meant having to tell why. but when you're that miserable what's being embarrassed?
Putting them out of reach was hard. but i can't justify the risk.