[Dfair]

[SIZE="2"][SIZE="1"]I think I need to die, but I can't bring myself to suicide. I know my family would be better off without me here, before you automatically jump to the standard conclusion of NO, please hear me out.
I'm 34 years old and the father of two amazing, and beautiful little girls of 5 and 2yrs. I am also the husband of a wonderful wife of 8years. About 2 years into our marriage with a newborn on the way I started developing what would later be chronic pain in my back. So I went to dr after dr and had test after test with no good explanation as to what was causing the pain therefore noone was able to fix the problem. After about two years of this I was finally able to get into the mayo clinic i'n Minnesota. I just knew that they would look outside the box and find the problem, however that is not what happened. All they did was redo all the tests that have already been done resulting i'n the same response of "there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to exercise". I HATE that answer because my pain tells a different story, but since pain does not show up on a MRI it must not be real.
That experience took the wind out of my sails and put an end to me trying to find the problem. I just continued on with my pain management dr. I
worked for the government at the time painting planes for the air force (civilian) and was unable to perform my duties so they forced me into a medical retirement which doesn't amount to hardly any income.
Now let me switch gears and explain how all of this affects my life. The physical pain is present most every day in some degree. On a scale of 1-10 it is usually between 4-6 sometimes more or less. I treat it by medication and a traction device for my neck as well as an electronic muscle stimulator. I get most comfort sitting i'n my recliner. The pain is bad enough that I am unable to do the things that a father and a husband need to do ie playing with the kids, helping around the house, going to walmart, even sitting through church is difficult. This puts a HUGE burden on my wife to keep up with things when I can't help, and also puts a HUGE amount of guilt on me because I feel like I have failed as a husband and a daddy.
There is also lots of depression that I deal with due to this not only the guilt that I just described but the way other people view me. For example, about a year ago my sister told me that "I don't want to work and that everybody knows it" and that she feels sorry for my wife and kids. She basically said that I was a looser that is lazy and just want to pop pain pills instead of supporting
my family. That was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me, and it is very hard to even type it now. I don't want to know who all thinks that way but I'm afraid that it is more than just her. The problem is I look healthy and I try to do all that I can when I feel good, so what happens is when people see me doing something active they assume I'm faking the whole thing and come up with the same conclusions that my sister did. That is just as hard to deal with if not harder than the pain itself.
Another aspect to all of this is the fact that what is easy for most people is very hard for me, such as school. I have been trying to get back up on my feet for the last 5 years or so and it has been one struggle after another. It is very hard to find a job that I qualify for as well as one that I can do physically. I am limited to basically crappy sales jobs that are miserable to be in. So I have decided to go back to school and get training in computer repair and IT. however I find it very difficult to study the way I need to because either the pain is so bad that I can't focus or the medication is messing with me to where I can't focus. Then when I feel good enough to study I feel like there are other things I need to do like help my wife or do something with the family or mow the yard.
This also adds to my low self esteem and my depression. I feel like I fail at everything I do.
As a result of all of this we find it difficult to keep our ducks in a row so to speak. We feel so overwhelmed that several years ago we basically put the stressful things on the back burner. Our finances are a mess partly due to my lack of income and partly due to my wife and I being so stressed with everything else that we neglect it. This has added to our marriage stress as well as my depression. I feel like all this is my fault and that without me things would work themselves out. I apologize for the rambling and lack of order to all of this, I was just putting down what was in my head.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Dfair!

...I was finally able to get into the mayo clinic i'n Minnesota. I just knew that they would look outside the box and find the problem, however that is not what happened. All they did was redo all the tests that have already been done resulting i'n the same response of "there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to exercise".

That is extremely discouraging, particularly because it was the Mayo Clinic.

...what is easy for most people is very hard for me ... I find it very difficult to study the way I need to because either the pain is so bad that I can't focus or the medication is messing with me to where I can't focus.

Chronic pain + meds + depression -- your sister has no idea. Maybe she doesn't want to have an idea.

Multi-dimensional problems usually demand multi-dimensional approaches. Do you have access to counselors who can address the full range of challenges you and your family face? (2-1-1 United Way/AIRS?)

EDIT: Also consider looking at the Chronic Pain Support forum.

[Mogeii]

Hey. I read the whole thing I didn't "Jump to saying NO". After reading your situation I will tell you that your children want you there, and so does your wife i'm sure. When I was in my major depressive episode last year I knew that on a very material level that Yes my family would be better off with a healthy me than a sick me. Unfortunately that isn't our choice with Depression. I have no experience with chronic pain so I wont give you any medical advice, but as far as your sister's statements I can relate a bit.

During my darkest time my sister who I have a great relationship of love and caring with told me that the difference between my really bad times, my pretty bad times, and my not so bad times, was me "letting" it get to me. Her point was that if I had some will power my depression would be easily overcome. My sister and yours made these kinds of statements for 1 of 2 possible reasons. The most likely is they are beyond uninformed or have no idea of the difficulty that depression and chronic pain brings. Ignorance is forgivable if you really feel they deserve it. My sister did. The other reason is far less likely, but again it has nothing to do with you. They could be that 1% of the population that are just plain and simple assholes. If you look at your whole life with your sister and come to that conclusion, delete her from your phone and if she comes looking for you tell her you are ONLY accepting words of encouragement and help at the moment and if she has none of those she can turn around and go away. So either way, you have no reason to put any blame on yourself for what your sister said. I know it hurts when family doesn't understand our pains, but remember that they are still not inside your body and cant feel what you do.

In conclusion, your family is not better off without you. Common sense and the looks in your children's eyes when you make them laugh or happy is enough to prove that. And your sister's statements have nothing to do with you and are all about her. Hope you can get some help with the Depression friend, it only makes physical pain worse.

[madisgram]

Dfair, has anyone in the medical community mentioned you may have fibromyalgia? i suffer from it and it is debilitating. brings me to tears. stress only makes it worse. there's not a medical test for it per se. it's a process of elimination tool. there are 18 points on the body that help docs diagnosis it. there are medications to help the symptoms that are not narcotic. i take neurontin and RARELY does the pain break through. hope my info may help.

Fibromyalgia is a common syndrome in which a person has long-term, body-wide pain and tenderness in the joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, sleep problems, headaches,...

The following conditions may be seen with fibromyalgia or mimic its symptoms:

• Chronic neck or back pain
• Chronic fatigue syndrome
• Depression
• Hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid)
• Lyme disease
• Sleep disorders

Signs and tests

To be diagnosed with fibromyalgia, you must have had at least 3 months of widespread pain, and pain and tenderness in at least 11 of 18 areas, including

• Arms (elbows)
• Buttocks
• Chest
• Knees
• Lower back
• Neck
• Rib cage
• Shoulders
• Thighs

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001463/
also http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079

[Dfair]

Thank you all for the encouragement. This is the first time I have reached out for help and support. I am finding your words very therapeutic and understanding. As far as me having a counselor to address a wide range of things, the answer is no, I do not have that. I would love that type of help but I can't afford it. And for the question about fibromyalgia, I don't have that either. What I failed to mention in my post was that I did finally get a diagnosis of sorts. My physical therapist actually figured it out. Basically the whole right side of my body is smaller than the left side causing a leg length difference. This has caused my pelvis to tilt in order to compensate for the difference, however the right half of my pelvis is much smaller than the left therefore the leg length hardly changes. This is causing a number of problems, 1 my spin has a bit of a curve 2 my muscles are constantly working to bring my body into semitry , my body wont go into semitry. I also have learned to use the wrong muscles to function with, and many of the right muscles possibly have never worked. All of this comes from a 3.5mo early birth. I weighed 1lb 11oz and had a number of physical defects. I guess there were some unknown problems that are now haunting me.
Basically there is nothing much they can do. We started doing PT to correct what we could but that seemed to do more harm than good. When we started to straighten some of the alignment issues I developed LOTS of pain i'n my neck that was not there before and now 2 years later it's still there and as bad as ever. So needless to say I quit Pt.
I hope this makes sence, again it's random thoughts and poorly written.

[Leed]

Dear Lord --- what are your options now? Have they thought of sending you to a pain management doctor? There, the doctor can better manage your pain. He may have some other ideas about what to do too.

I know what you're going thru too, cause I've been a chronic painer for over 25 years and I "look" normal too. I've had severe spinal problems since I was 36 but you can't SEE it. People wonder why I don't work too -- well, sorry but I CAN'T. I can't sit more than 10 minutes, and I can't stand more than 5mn. I doubt I can find a job where you can lay down (no, I don't want THAT kind of job. ). LOL

So I was forced to go on SSDisability. I HATED to -- I feel like a slug. I'd much rather be working -- I enjoyed working with people. I was an Optician by trade, and had a ball. Oh well.. Now I'm 63. It's been a long, painful darn road. I'm inoperable so there's nothing they can do for me.

So i sure understand where you're coming from. Don't pay ANY attention to those idiots who make the rude, insensitive comments -- including your sister, who should know better! I hope to blazes SHE never has to experience anything like this, and has someone say something like that to HER, but what goes around comes around.

You'll be in my prayers -- things always change, so it won't be like this forever. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee