[LivingNightmare]

I've been reading posts from this site for a few weeks now, but didn't want to post as I can't talk about my feelings in person but when I started typing it just flowed out. I am 15 years old and female. I don't know how to organize this because my thoughts are mixed up and flying around my mind right now. And, I don't know where to begin... I'm sorry this is so long, it's my first post and I wanted to get everything. It took me a lot just to write this, and to post it will be hard idk If I will. Thinking of you reading this makes me so embarrassed and I know someone will reply all sweet and caring but I know inside we are all just corrupt and lies. :/
Ok. I hate living. Life to me is just being born, growing, work, marry, die. Every morning I wake up and mechanically get ready for school, all the while begging my mother to let me stay home because at school (although I have many kind friends) I always feel that I don't belong and the atmosphere really gets to me; like, I am scared of even being looked at by most people, and if they try to talk to me I just freak out and try not to look them in the eyes. In the afternoons, I am plagued by massive headaches from no sleep because during the nights, my dark thoughts swirl around and make me sick. On the bus, I'm tortured by the other high schoolers that ride it. The only person I can be happy-ish around is my little 12-year old sister. And the only place i'm happy is alone in my room in the dark. My parents are both mentally abusive in ways they don't understand but they are also loving, and I feel guilty for having suicidal thoughts because of that. My free time is spent in my room with the lights out because I hate the lights... I hate so much now. I hate myself; the way I look, the way I talk, the way I walk, I HATE everything! About a year ago, I started cutting myself. For SOME reason, my scars look like the most beautiful thing about me. And I feel like every time one heals I HAVE TO make another. When I'm feeling like I will die, I cut myself. But recently, the cuts have been getting DEEPER and DEEPER because it doesn't HURT enough anymore... And the world itself just seems not real. REALITY seems like a Nightmare and when I think of death it makes me happy like I could finally go to the real world and have happy adventures there. I can't escape the thoughts. And, I know I am my biggest bully. My self-esteem has to be the lowest of them all. I'm ugly, stupid, worthless, etc. I hate my face. Just looking into my eyes in the mirror makes me hate myself. A hate so strong it makes me hurt inside. I've had moments when I was cutting my arms when I would rub the blade against my cheeks wishing I could cut them but I know I cant because I wouldnt be able to hide it.
Also recently my mom found out about my cutting, since then it's gotten so much worse. She made me see a psychologist and it was the worst day of my life. My dad took my computer and threatened to beat my *****, and I heard him and my mom talking behind my back one night saying how weak and stupid and pitiful it was that I would cut myself. My dad was saying how he had been through so much and he hadnt been stupid and weak to cut himself like me. (That really made me realize how no one can be trusted.) It seems no one understands how I CAN NOT talk about anything. And when the dr. was staring at me waiting for my answers to his questions I felt like I'd explode and I wanted to run out of the room.The dr. tried to make me take Zoloft but I can't. Something about the medicine just freaks me out and IM SURE that if I took it I would just puke. I also know that if I tell him about my intentions that I'd be put in a psych ward and I can't handle that. I'm so scared of what I might do to myself, but I see no other way. The future for me just appears so horrible. And, it's this thing where I don't want help. I just want SOMETHING. But, I don't know what. Because I have no want to live anymore and that can't be replaced because I know now that life isn't what I expected it to be. I don't want to grow up and get a job or get married or anything most people want, I just want to stop existing and I DONT KNOW WHY!?! But when I think about killing myself, I can't seem to put a date on it. Maybe I'm scared or something. Idk.
Well, if you got this far, then you are a trooper! Thanks for reading, at least. x.x

[purplelephant]

OK, I'm going to try and process/keep all of what you wrote in mind while responding.

I am 17. Self harm, ED, depression, fights with parents, suicidality, the whole bit. So I can tell you you're not alone. Honestly I'm in no position to preach at the moment as there are times when I want nothing more than to not exist and I consider trying to act on that (so I ain't being "sweet and caring"). Not everyone is corruption and lies, though I can understand feeling that way.

I think it is awful that your parents feel this way, but, as you know, some people just don't get it. The people on PC get it BUT you need people in real life for support. So. You've got your sister, and that's good, but I don't know how much you want to be telling her since she's twelve. Try using her as a distraction when you want to cut maybe? Or when you feel really down or suicidal, think of how it would affect her? How much she would be hurting? Just suggestions, don't know everything about your relationship with her.

I wish you had not had such a bad experience with therapy. You say it was the worst day of your life, but was that because of the therapist or because of your parents? If the therapist did nothing wrong, perhaps you could try again? It seems to me like your parents are going to be abusive about this not matter what, so you may as well see someone with experience who can support you. If your parents are no longer willing to take you to the psychologist, could you talk to your school counselor? I know you said you have trouble discussing feelings in person, but this person would probably be pretty much a stranger, right? And have you reached that point where trying ANYTHING is better than doing nothing and just sitting with this and feeling this excruciating pain?

I think you should try the Zoloft. Medications can have side affects, but if that happens they will take you off of it and find something else that works. Personally, I am on Celexa and battled with my therapist/parents for months about whether or not I should take it. I finally cracked because I respect my therapist and it was what she wanted, but I was still unsure if it was what I wanted or if it could help. Now when I miss a day I notice that I do a LOT more angry sobbing :/ Anti-depressants really can help you and they aren't permanent or hurtful. You can always change your mind. They are just another tool to getting the life that you deserve.

You say you want SOMETHING but are not sure what. I get that too. So I think these steps forward (meds, therapist, thinking of your sister) could possibly help, just because it's SOMETHING.

For me I think of what I want in the future. At first all I could think of was "nothing" because I, too, saw life as a pointless cycle. But then I just came up with one little thing. I wanted a little red A-frame house with white and blue trim. And then I decided I wanted a vegetable garden in the back and a flower garden in the front. And things flowed from there until I had a dream college, dream major, and several dream jobs that involve travel and helping people and just being happy. I don't mean that this will be easy and I'm NOT saying "just think positive thoughts and you'll get better" because I HATE when people tell me that (ignorant!!!) But I just know that it's better to try something than do nothing.

Message me if you like. I am more than willing to listen.

[dailyhealing]

The fact that you are here writing means, at least to me, that you have not given up. I am sorry you are struggling so much, I first became depressed at 14 (maybe earlier) and had no idea what to do. My teen years were pretty miserable, but I eventually got help as a young adult. I'm 42 now and my depression and anxiety or usually under control. You say you don't want to exist and you don't know why. I have a couple of thoughts. First, it sounds like you are depressed, which doesn't surprise me at all when you describe how your parents treat you and talk to/about you. And the second I kind of already mentioned, your parents. I am so sorry they are not more understanding of what you are going through.

One last thought, the medication. I understand your desire not to take it. I can tell you that without medication my life would be a mess. I still have depressive periods at times, but when not on medication I often feel completely hopeless and out of control (even when I have supportive, caring people around me). Some people just have a chemical imbalance, I seem to be one of those people. I am not telling you to take medication, as I don't really believe in telling people what to do, but did want to share with you that my belief is that it COULD be helpful for you.

You are in a tough situation, I know that must be difficult! You are feeling depressed and have very little support around you. I hope you will not give up and keep posting on here. You can definitely get better! And if you ever want to talk more, I am always happy to listen.

[sinkissedsweeto]

Alright, after reading your second post, I came here to read the original one you mentioned. I'm so sorry about the situation you are in with your parents. It's so difficult to have parents who don't understand why you're depressed, so they think you should just be able to man up and handle it. That drives me insane.

It can be really difficult to open up to people about your problems, and I think the reason you didn't want to open up to the psychologist was because of the reactions you've gotten from your parents. Maybe you feared the same response from him, subconsciously? I also understand your reservations about taking Zoloft, many people feel that way about it. However, my issues dramatically improved once I started taking it in combination with Xanax. They were a life saver. My depression started around 13 or 14, and I'm 22 now. I can honestly say that due to my medications, my life has gotten a LOT better.

[LivingNightmare]

Thanks for those posts ^-^, I've been considering the Zoloft for a few days. I just get really shaky when thinking about it messing with my mind and all. And some part of my mind just screams that its not worth it because the world won't change even if I take that. Maybe it will make me 'better' but still I'll know what I've thought about before >< ah ah ah this is really embarrassing lol. Thanks again haha..

[purplelephant]

Zoloft won't change you. It just helps your brain make or process "happy" chemicals better.

No one's saying it will work a miracle and make everything better, but it could help.

Hope you make the right decision for you