[CgRgSm]

Hi, I'm 22 years old so I'm not a teen anymore, but I am constantly feeling overwhelmingly bored. I work nights 10pm to 6am and I never see anybody, hardly ever. I live with my brother and my mom, and even though I hate living with family, its still kind of something to be able to see another person around. But since I work nights, I never see them except the occasional free weekend (I work weekends too). I just go to work and see those people, but I really dislike those people, and to me they are so boring and old fashioned (mostly work with old people, there are probably 3 people in the whole building that are even close to my age). I have a super boring job where I sit at a computer for 8-10 hours a day typing up financial information. I have never really had a friend in my entire life, I'm a loner, and I've tried to blend in and be around other people time and time again, it don't work. I am just finding that I am having such a hard time in my life right now, I get so bored sometimes I just sleep for 12 hours a day, or stare at a wall. But I have to be careful cause if I let my mind wander for too long I'll start thinking about bad stuff like suicide. I've been sad and depressed for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I say that I'd like a girlfriend, but then I see the realization that there isn't anyone out there that would want to be with me. No one likes anybody that is all down and depressed all the time, and that's me, I'm always just a downer, a drag-along person. I hate my life, I tried to be somebody I'm not, but in the end I can't, I just can't seem to get out of this endless loop of depression.

I never knew what I wanted to be my career, and I had a really hard time going through the career aptitude tests in high school and college. I told my counselor one time that I had thought of everything in the world and I honestly can't see myself doing anything. She thought I was crazy to have thought of everything and just outrule it but I still stand by that. I find absolutely no joy whatsoever in my life. The job I have now I feel is the most I can ever do, if not more than what I can do, I'm just seeing how long I can keep it before I get fired. I swear I don't even comply or if I do I barely comply with what they want me to do, and somehow they still think I'm good at it. I hate that place and everything is so pointless to me. I really don't like money at all, I just use it to stay alive but I'm staying alive for a reason unknown to me, some sort of survival instinct although I lost the will to live long, long ago.

My brother and I play lots of video games, I was hooked on games before I could even talk. Yes, video games are basically my drug, without games, I don't see myself being alive today. But I've gotten bored of even video games, I've pretty much played every game in existence.

When I think about doing other things, I get so turned off and just want to go to sleep. I think about traveling, and how everybody around me is saying "oh its so great, you get to see new places, meet people, and do all this stuff..." but to me, it is way more hassle than it is worth. I don't want to worry about packing luggage and all this crap I have to bring and how I'm going to buy tickets and get places on time and all this. These are the things that I hate in life.

Everything is just turning into a black and white tv show. Boring neighborhood I don't even see anyone outside ever, no one talks to anybody, nothing is going on. There couldn't be more things I hate about this life. I am just wondering if anyone feels anything similar.

[DianaCW91]

You are not alone at all in how you feel. Depression has a way of sucking the fun and enjoyment out of pretty much everything. I can also relate to what you say about video games - I play way too much video games - but I play so much because I find I can forget about the depression. I can forget about the stress, anxiety, and sadness and lose myself in the game - focusing on nothing but the next task. Please don't feel you are alone in what you are going through.

[dailyhealing]

I am 42 now, but when I was around your age I struggled with isolating myself way too much and playing video games. It just made me more depressed. I eventually found my way out of the cycle, very slowly... I worked at it through therapy among other things. I hope you keep working at this and are able to find some enjoyment in things. Thanks for posting!

[Leed]

What you're describing is a nasty case of depression -- like you said. It does NOT have to STAY like this. There IS help out there.

How about going to therapy? Have you ever tried it? Yes, it takes a little while to see results, but in the end you have a healthy person who has gotten rid of a LOT of garbage!!! You have no idea the amount of GARBAGE that we accumulate from the time we are born until NOW. It's mind boggling!!! And that junk we accumulate affects everything we do! It affects our moods, our jobs, our relationships, our health, our family, you name it! We don't even feel like existing because of all the junk we carry around.

I've been depressed since I was a child. I don't know how old I was when I first became depressed cause I don't remember NOT being depressed. My parents didn't do anything about it cause they didn't notice us kids. We were just "there." Like the furniture.

When I turned about 22, I got into therapy -- after I'd been in therapy for awhile, my therapist said "you need an antidepressant!" Sheesh! So I went to my doctor, who put me on an A/D, and I went back to the therapist and we worked on 'stuff' for years. I got RID of the junk -- it's gone. It's buried and I'm done with it. I don't have to deal with it anymore. I felt like someone had taken a bag of 50lb of rocks off my back!

If nothing else, see your doctor -- tell him you're depressed!!! He can at least put you on an A/D until you can get into therapy. You don't have to live like this. LIFE IS GOOD!!! Grab some sunshine, huh? Please? I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Mommilady]

I agree with what others have posted. Some of the things you said sound exactly like what my son (18 y.o.) said about himself last fall. Everything seemed boring, he had no idea what he wanted to do with his future, life felt like it had no meaning. He also plays lots of video games, as a way to relieve stress.

Somehow he was able to tell his father and me what he was going through. At that point he was near rock bottom because he had been feeling hopeless for quite some time. Anyway he is now in therapy and taking a low dose antidepressant and his outlook has really improved. He still has a ways to go, and he decided to take some time off before going to college, but now he has hopes for his future.

So I strongly recommend talking to a doctor and getting yourself some help. You are worth it!

[Jan1212]

What's supposed to be fun is a hassle, preparing for trips the cost, planning
I cannot keep friends or maintain relationships for most of my life
I play lots of video games - ps3 right now which contributes to my seclusion
The only jobs I worked was at fast food joints, and I'm 23 right now I'm looking for a job
After 75K debt at colleges, and different majors, and years later, I am still not sure about my career, I'm in school right now but I'm in debt and I have to ask my dad to buy my course books
I live in a big city, yet no one gets personal or want to
I tell myself I'm a debbie downer, that's why nobody invites me - the after test party I never heard of that everyone went to -even the professor(?!)

I think this is a turning point at your age you may not have solid sense of self yet. Plus take into all the other factors such as place of work, education, careers, parents, finances and moving out, relationships, and economy. It's a lot of stress to handle at a young age. I believe things will even out when we're older with a lot of obstacles in between.. I am hoping too because I feel the same way

[CgRgSm]

Thanks for all the posts.

Jan1212 - That last line about the party I had to have a mental chuckle. Sometimes I play a game in my head where I guess about things going to happen for the worse and just laugh on the inside about how horrible things are. But um, yeah I don't see a future for me at all, I don't do anything myself I have to be forced to do something and if I live alone I will just die.

Mommilady - My dad is dead now I only have my mom, and she knows that I have issues but doesn't know what to do. She can't help me at all. Plus I'm an adult so I have to do stuff on my own but as I've said, I don't do anything on my own cause I just don't have the energy or will to. As for right now I have 0 goals. Well actually I've never had any goals in my entire life. I hate everything about this life and I don't see that magically changing when I take any drug. I've been to the doctor before and I've told them I was depressed for a long time and they gave me a A/D and I was on that for a while but it never had any effect on me.

Leed - I have never tried therapy, because my parents always just shrugged off the fact that I had serious problems and I just don't know how to try. I wouldn't mind trying it but I don't know how. It would be very very difficult as well for me, because I am horrible at talking to other people. That is crazy that you just got "rid of your junk" I can't imagine what that is like. To me depression is just who I am, its always been a part of me. As I mentioned above, I've been to the doctor and told him this and got the A/D but it didn't affect me. Life is good? I find that difficult to believe. Right now I don't believe in nothing. As for grabbing sunshine, I'm a vampire (not the mythical one). I work nights and I never turn lights on in the house cause I just live in darkness. I wish me the best too but since I'm really the only person that can save myself, I really don't have too much faith in me.