[Mogeii]

I dont want to reinforce anyone else's negative thinking but we all know how unfair this whole thing is. I am sure some of you will read what I think is unfair and feel like your situation is 100x worse, and you are probably right but hey I have my own story.

I was on Zoloft for 3 years and my anxiety was fine on it. Life had its up and downs but they were natural ups and downs and everyday was new and filled with different feelings. It was life. Then last year I felt good enough to get off Zoloft, and of course things cant just slowly hint to me that maybe zoloft was good. Instead a massive depression and anxiety hits me for 2 months, and for 6 months now its lingering effects have been the ONLY focus of my life. Every damn day is about trying to not be depressed/anxious. I am graduating college after this semester, but even that is secondary in my head to my mental health. What's even more obnoxious is the fact that I know medicine can help but it takes months to try one that might not work. I spend 4 weeks on 10mg Lexapro and see slight improvement, and now 2 weeks on 20mg and no better. Okay im not in a majorly depressed, but my life is constant ups and downs of an unnatural kind. I see my psych in 15 days and even if that meeting leads to a med change, great another 4-6 week trial that MIGHT work. Another month of my life possibly wasted feeling crappy. I should be stressed about life after college, finding my career path, maybe even trying to form intimate relationships, but no I have to spend every day rating and chronicling my mental health. Its just not fair. "We all have problems" is 100% true, but people without depression/anxiety have problems relative to their situations, not a baseline of misery that they spend most of their energy trying to resist with only minor results. My therapist is great, but I can't understand why she believes that I make the choice to spend all day at least partially considering my mental health. She herself admits people with depression are the same as diabetic patients, they cant just ignore their symptoms/feelings and expect it to go away. They need to acknowledge it and take action. Well I cant give myself a shot of insulin or get my blood sugar level with a meal, I am stuck with this stupid illness for a minimum of 4 weeks after finding the right treatment which can take years to find. Awesome. So unfair.

I want to add lastly that all of you who have suffered abuse/trauma and have these disorders, I hope I dont offend you. I am a 22 year old white boy from middle class with no family trauma or abuse who developed Major Depressive Disorder and GAD during uneventful times of my life. You all came about these problems honestly, you deserve sympathy and help for persevering through your experiences. While I am a scumbag who cant help but be depressed/anxious and have no justification for it. So I take up psychiatrists/therapist/meds that people like you have EARNED, and I then post on forums with people who are bravely living through real trauma and problems and feel I have the right to complain. Like I said, im a scumbag. Suicide isn't an option of course, but if a meteor crashed into my room tonight killing me and only me, it would be deserved and welcomed.

[dailyhealing]

Depression does suck, and it's not fair. I fully agree with you there. Where I disagree is with your thoughts about feeling you have no right to these feelings and "we" do. To me it doesn't matter how we come to develop mental illnesses, we have them. Some get it through abuse, some by simple genetics, and I'm sure there's other ways as well... Suffering is suffering, and you are suffering! I feel for you, and hope you feel better soon.

My own depression at this point in my life appears to be mostly chemical. The last major episode I had happened when I went off my meds thinking everything was okay. Everything in my life was going more or less fine, and I fell into a major depression that lasted for 3-4 months before the meds and therapy began to fight it off. I guess my point is that I don't think you are a scumbag because you are suffering from depression and the terrible thoughts and feelings that always go with it.

Thanks for posting and I hope to hear more from you.

[turquoise4]

Originally Posted by Mogeii

I want to add lastly that all of you who have suffered abuse/trauma and have these disorders, I hope I dont offend you. I am a 22 year old white boy from middle class with no family trauma or abuse who developed Major Depressive Disorder and GAD during uneventful times of my life. You all came about these problems honestly, you deserve sympathy and help for persevering through your experiences. While I am a scumbag who cant help but be depressed/anxious and have no justification for it. So I take up psychiatrists/therapist/meds that people like you have EARNED, and I then post on forums with people who are bravely living through real trauma and problems and feel I have the right to complain. Like I said, im a scumbag. Suicide isn't an option of course, but if a meteor crashed into my room tonight killing me and only me, it would be deserved and welcomed.

I don't believe you are a scumbag at all. We all can find people who have had easier and harder times than ourselves. That being said, I have felt exactly how you described like I was taking away therapists/meds/time on this site from people who really need it. You deserve help, just as much as anyone. It does not matter the source of your depression.

Depression is awful, and you are right it isn't fair. I also can relate to the struggle to find the right med, it is very frustrating. You are not alone in this, and you deserve as much help/support as anyone else. Take care of yourself, and keep reaching out. You are not alone.

[Mogeii]

I appreciate the replies, but scumbag is just a place holder word because I cant think of a better one. I just hate knowing there are so many out there who had real traumas happen to them, and yet I get depressed enough to call my therapist in tears and schedule emergency sessions or take up my psych's time with calls during weak moments. I read the posts from some of the other users and I cant believe the stuff some of you go through and keep going. I read about money troubles, guess what my dad would bail me out if I ever had a money problem. I read about relationship issues, I dont have that to worry about. I read about physical illnesses from pain to cancer and notice ive never had a broken bone or surgery outside my wisdom teeth. And yet here I am, depressed and anxious due to chemicals. Pathetic. Im tired of trying to be happy, if im not happy that's that. Maybe the chemicals will get frisky tomorrow and stop my heart, im a slave to them anyway. The big question for tommorow is: Will i feel miserable after meeting my school advisor and being told I am graduating in August, or will i feel miserable after meeting my school advisor and being told I am NOT graduating in August. I can hardly wait to see what flavor of misery my chemicals have in store.

[mt1963]

Having major depression is a real thing and you have a right to be angry. I had it when I was your age but back then you didn't talk about. I can trace my illness back to grade school. I also have a great grandfather who shot himself and my mother was mentally ill. She died at the age of 52 of a heart attack. Surprise! Now they are linking depression and heart attacks.

I did have some bad things happen but after many years of finally getting my depression/anxiety treated and not under control totally but much better then before, I very firmly believe that most of the bad things that happened to me were a direct result of the mental illness. You're just in survival mode and you are not really capable of making good choices or decisions.

Here's another theory I have. All this talk about happiness is crap. (remember, it's my opinion and I have been known to be wrong!) I think happiness is a bonus emotion. We get to feel happy when something good happens. Anybody that walks around "happy" all the time is either delusional or high : ) Life is hard but I think what we need to strive for is a more realistic feeling of "contentment" or acceptance? YOU don't get to have that right now thanks to depression and anxiety just like if you had any other illness.

Then on top of that, society teaches us that this very real illness is simply us "feeling sorry for ourselves." So we should have a "reason." To me, it's the same as telling someone that God is punishing them if they get cancer or something. You have it and you have to battle it. I am quite sure you are way harder on yourself then you are on anybody else. This will get better and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't believe those lies that your head tells you. Hang on and keep the hope. It will get better. We are fortunate to live in a time where they have meds and stuff for us.

One day at a time, my friend and with people like us, sometimes it's one hour at a time.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I agree = you are NOT a scumbag, for heavens sakes.

What I don't get is why people who are doing fine on their meds decide to get OFF them! That has always confused me. When you're doing GOOD, woudn't you figure that you're feeling that way BECAUSE of the meds??? Why would anyone want to CHANGE that? Just because you're feeling good certainly is no reason to get OFF the meds -- it stands to reason that you're gonna crash when you get off the meds. That's what happens to people with depression. So then you have to start all over again.

Anyway, I must have been born depressed cause I've been depressed since I was a little kid. I remember being about 5 or 6 and being depressed. My parents didn't see it -- they were too busy getting drunk. So I had to wait til I left home to see a therapist/doctor to get diagnosed. I've been on meds for many many years, and will be til I die. It doesn't matter HOW we got it --- the only thing that matters is that we HAVE it and it needs treatment! We ALL came about this diagnosis "honestly" -- we didn't steal it. LOL I'd give it back if I could. LOL

Anyway - again, you're no scumbag, so knock that off. You're tryiing your darndest to get thru this like the rest of us. Yes, it can be difficult, but you're going to therapy and doing the best you can. That's all you can do. Keep posting -- I like reading your posts. Take care of yourself, ok? Hugs, Lee

[Mogeii]

College Advisor says I am on track to graduate on time in the summer. Awesome news. Felt nothing. Another great moment stolen by depression.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Mogeii

Awesome news. Felt nothing. Another great moment stolen by depression.

Too familiar.
All the same, congratulations Mogeii!

[-jimi-]

I was put on Zoloft for anxiety and it worked so-so. When I stopped after 3 years I was a different person. My before meds stable moods became weird and unstable, and also I learned what severe depression is. Also my personality changed. I was ordered to go back on Zoloft and up it to a stunning 500 mg but I refused. I felt that med had caused enough damage.

Tried to live without SSRI's for three years with a lot of new symptoms I didn't have before meds. They didn't go away. I had to go through "all" meds to try to just survive. It was harsh. Finally found a med that helped and gave me part of my life back.

I think my brain simply tried to balance the Zoloft and in its attempt it changed beyond any chance of changing back. I wish I had never tried that med. I haven't had a real shot at life since the first year I was on it and it is a long time ago now.

[Hellion]

No its not far, another thing I find unfair is why is it always wrong to have negative thoughts? maybe that is the wrong approach because it should not be 'wrong' to feel things like anger, sadness, depression or whatever when you have reason to feel that way, at least that is my opinion.

[sweathers81]

I know exactly what your going through. I knew there was something wrong early in age, but i didn't seek help till 10 years ago. Its always been a battle. I didn't find anything that worked till about 6 months ago. Now a couple months ago my Dr. Decided to take me off because off the side affects. So when i can afford to go back and go through hell trying again to find something that works, i guess that's my plan. I think that it don't matter how you got this, i don't think that your wasting your T time. I think that your heading down the right path by seeking help. All i know is that's always been a battle that i have to fight. I get mad, and think its unfair that i have to deal with this. But i have learned its part of life, there nothing i can do about changing it, so i have to fight it. I hope you can find something that works for you. Stay strong :-)