[Odee]

We all know the Dos and Don'ts about speaking to someone with depression, but isn't it just as important for someone with mental illness to choose what they say in return?

For example, I never, ever mean to utter anything along these lines:
"You just don't understand"
"You will never have it this hard."
"There's nothing you can do."
"Leave me alone" -- along with any other form of rejection.

I think accusing someone who is trying to be understanding as not being able to understand is among the worst. We of all people should know how easily others overlook silent pain.

Anyone else have thoughts or suggestions?

[f.reliant]

I was listening to Dr. Drew recently and someone said "Say what you mean, but don't say it mean". Truer words...

Problem is, there are different degrees of depression. Some of us at a very worst do not fuction at a higher level. We sometimes respond poorly. At some point, we feel guilty for not being nice to someone who deseves better. Professionals know this. A good support system is understanding of this. And WHEN we are feeling better, it would behoove us to apologise and offer our thanks.

When I am at my worst, I intentially avoid people so that I am not "mean" to anyone. But isolation is not good either. Dilema...

Maybe little signs like "Because nice matters!" taped around the house would help???

[Travelinglady]

Hmmm. Well, I've learned NOT to say to a psychiatrist, "I just don't feel like I have any hope!" That time I was hospitalized against my will!

I agree about trying to be civil to folks who are trying to help, but sometimes they DO push my buttons.

"Do you think I'd be lying here in this bed if I really wanted to! You just don't know what real depression is like! I am not being lazy!" (You can see what button was pushed here by the response!)

[Odee]

Payne: I can't believe I forgot! I definitely "down play" my suicidal thoughts to quite a degree when I am speaking to therapists, doctors, etc. I already played the hospitalization game and I'm not going there again.

Reliant: I think it's important to know what is reasonable for us to say because it's so hard to think strait when you're ill. Sometimes you just have to make rules for yourself. I tell myself to always be patient towards someone trying to understand regardless of how frustrated I get. Pretty much, I
m trying to force myself to follow the choices I make when I don't feel as bad.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Odee

We all know the Dos and Don'ts about speaking to someone with depression, but isn't it just as important for someone with mental illness to choose what they say in return?

For example, I never, ever mean to utter anything along these lines:
"You just don't understand"
"You will never have it this hard."
"There's nothing you can do."
"Leave me alone" -- along with any other form of rejection.

I think accusing someone who is trying to be understanding as not being able to understand is among the worst. We of all people should know how easily others overlook silent pain.

Anyone else have thoughts or suggestions?

Ok well I have a few issues with that, I actually do feel very misunderstood and if someone is making me feel that way I should be able to express that. I mean if I feel like they don't understand what am I supposed to do smile and pretend I think they do? I am sick of faking honestly.

As for never having it that hard I wouldn't say that as to me its kind of irrelevent wether they have it as hard or not or end up having that hard in the future has no bearing on how I feel.

There is nothing you can do...is sometimes true, sometimes there isn't anything someone can do. Though typically I'd probably try to indicate them just being there is good enough...unless of course their presence is making me feel worse at the moment.

And I really hate 'leave me alone' but sometimes it is needed, sometime I really do need people to leave me alone.....either because they are causing too much stress and I need a break(doesn't mean I hate them) or because I am having a moment and might freak out on them I think they would take 'leave me alone' or give me a minute better then me going off on them.

[tangodream]

I think I've probably said all of these things at one point or another. Sometimes these phrases are the right thing to say depending on who is talking to you & when. What is important is how you say things as well as what you say.

[Hellion]

Yeah though I can't help but thinking those who aren't mentally ill should try being more understanding of the fact one can't always perfectly control their reactions or symptoms if they are mentally ill. I mean I do make an effort to be considerate of others but considering the mental illness I feel I am kinda bound to slip up a bit more than someone who's not mentally ill.

[regretful]

I think it is important to speak honestly about your depression, otherwise people can't help. For instance, if you really think people won't understand what you are going through, tell them...then add that they might be able to imagine what it would be like. If people are really interested in helping you, then you will find it easier to identify their empathy when you are honest with them.

[Hellion]

I cannot seem handle the criticism some people direct at it...I mean its not that I am dishonest I just don't tell everyone I know exactly how I feel i just don't say anything about it. I don't know its just stressfull to try and explain it to everyone over and over again. I mean I don't exactly enjoy talking about it either.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by Odee

We all know the Dos and Don'ts about speaking to someone with depression, but isn't it just as important for someone with mental illness to choose what they say in return?

For example, I never, ever mean to utter anything along these lines:
"You just don't understand"
"You will never have it this hard."
"There's nothing you can do."
"Leave me alone" -- along with any other form of rejection.

I think accusing someone who is trying to be understanding as not being able to understand is among the worst. We of all people should know how easily others overlook silent pain.

Anyone else have thoughts or suggestions?

Thank you for this, brings up a lot to think about.
I do believe it also depends on where a person is at in their recovery from mental illness. For me, in the beginning trying to deal with my family was hard, very hard. They had a lot of ignorance, anger and no willingness to educate themselves, they just wanted me to stop having a mental illness. Somehow my PTSD and depression made them look bad! I needed them! So in the beginning I did tell them a lot that they, "would never understand", "they would never have it as hard as I did", and the more they pressed me to deny that any thing was wrong the more I told them to just "leave me alone, they could never understand". As I gathered tools to deal with my illness and learned to cope I grew more understanding of them too.

As I struggled to find ways to just accept them as they were, they begin to look for answers too. They started going to classes and educating themselves. It is a two way street. But its hard for both sides at first. Theres still a lot of people out there that know very little or nothing true about mental illness. But a person who is at the start of their own journey with MI should not be expected to enlighten people or family because they are at a place where they need as much support as they can get from others. However later in our journey, I think you have a good point. Helping to demystify all those lies about MI would be easier if we watched how we replied to insensitive uninformed people and helped them learn a little bit just by being sensitive in chooseing our words with care.

You are right, no one knows pain better than those of us that have traveled down the path of a MI. It is often an lonely path in the worse of times so when times are not so bad and we've learned a few things, trying to share that could be a helpful tool for both sides.

[Odee]

Thanks sidestepper! I think you really helped touch upon my original thoughts regarding the idea.

The reasons why I think a mentally ill individual should not accuse others of "having no understanding" is because saying so will push others away, and create resent from both ends. I think people respond very negatively if you give them the impression that MI excuses you of your actions. I believe it is in the MI individual's interest to foster the growing bond and trust necessary to talk about these issues.

And another thanks to tangodream. I guess it's not so much WHAT is said, as it is the attitude: Such as it may be appropriate to explain to someone that it's impolite to assume they understand your experience, but this needs to be done with patience on both sides.

I also think that I may have had better experiences with the people who have tried to talk to me than some users here! From my experience, it has been mostly me holding back on what I say limiting us from understanding. From my point of view, the phrases I listed were things I could say to avoid any real discussion.

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Odee

Thanks sidestepper! I think you really helped touch upon my original thoughts regarding the idea.

The reasons why I think a mentally ill individual should not accuse others of "having no understanding" is because saying so will push others away, and create resent from both ends. I think people respond very negatively if you give them the impression that MI excuses you of your actions. I believe it is in the MI individual's interest to foster the growing bond and trust necessary to talk about these issues.

And another thanks to tangodream. I guess it's not so much WHAT is said, as it is the attitude: Such as it may be appropriate to explain to someone that it's impolite to assume they understand your experience, but this needs to be done with patience on both sides.

I also think that I may have had better experiences with the people who have tried to talk to me than some users here! From my experience, it has been mostly me holding back on what I say limiting us from understanding. From my point of view, the phrases I listed were things I could say to avoid any real discussion.

That makes sense, and I do try to be patient and explain to people they should not necessarily assume they understand how I feel. But when they get pushy about it then it stresses me out and I can't help but push them away because it's just too overwhelming.

I mean honestly I cannot always control my reactions, especially if my PTSD gets set off. Doesn't mean I have an excuse to just be an *** to everyone...and I feel terrible when I lose control and piss people off or disturb them or whatever. I mean I don't know if I agree that one who is mentally ill can necessarily have total control over how they respond to things so that has to be acknowledged. Again though I am not saying one should use mental illness as an excuse for nasty behavior but..uhh there is such a fine line it seems.