[song1983]

I have a long story to tell. About 8 years ago I was down and depressed. I don’t know when the depression started. I think it was in middle school. My family moved to a new town and I had to go to a new school. I started to become self conscious then and then socially anxious. I was mostly quiet throughout most of middle school and highschool. Being an outsider, just observing everyone. I was always down and my mind was always focused on the sad parts of life. In a way, I liked that. I found comfort in that. I listened to sad songs whenever I could, I cried inside when I could. Then a few years after I graduated highschool I went to see a therapist and she recommended I go on Antidepressents. I took paxil for about 3 years, then went on Zoloft for about 3 years. A few years ago I started on Clonazapam for anxiety as well. Even though I left college off for a while and just stayed home my life was doing great. I went back to college, and I’m almost finished with my degree. During this summer I experimented with some drugs mainly MDMA, to help me become more extrovated and more social. They helped me for a bit but mostly just made me depressed in the end, I got a panic attack from taking a little too much, I think I overdosed and was sent to the emergency room. This was when I just stopped taking medication all together. I felt like I let my family down and I let myself down. So I said I would just stop medication alltogether. I relied on medication for so much of my life, I wanted to stop relying on them. I stopped taking my medication around August. It is now October, I have been feeling some of the withdrawals and sometimes it does get bad but I try to fight through it.

Sometimes I just feel so depressed and I don’t know what to do. I want to be strong and fight through it. Maybe things will get better. I feel like my life is going back to that sad and sorrowful times before I took the medication. I’m not sure if it’s just in my head or if I really am regression back into depression. I think to myself that if I can just weather it through, maybe I will learn to see things in the positive light. I learned to be afraid of everything and people. Why can’t my mind learn to not be afraid? I don’t know, am I a coward for not wanting to go back on medication? I just wish I had answers. I am so lost right now. I really don’t want to go back on medication. I know I have lots of people that love and support me. I just don’t want to let them down. And I don’t want to let myself down. I thought I was strong. I thought I would be able to fight through this. Now I’m not so sure anymore.

[Leed]

Dearheart, you started medication when you were young. There is such a thing as clinical depression -- that is usually inherited. If you look back in your family history, you'll probably find one parent or another who has a history of depression, as well as grandparents. Clinical depression is when the hormones and such in our brain don't work right -- the levels aren't corrrect, so we have to take antidepressants to get the levels back where they're supposed to be. It's a MEDICAL cause. Unfortunately it doesn't get better. I have clinical depression too and I'll have to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. I've already been on them for about 35-40 years!! But I don't care -- if it means that I won't be in that deep dark PIT OF DESPAIR, then I just don't mind taking them. Why should ANYONE have to feel like that?

So talk to your doctor and get back on the medication!! There is no reason to suffer like you're suffering. If it can be made better, why not? Chances are you have clinical depression, but I CANNOT DIAGNOSE you, only a therapist can do that. So it would be a good idea to see a therapist again too.

BEst of luck sweetie, and please take care. Hugs, Lee

(((Song))) ... You ARE strong ... Simply being here proves that ... Depression is something we can't heal on our own ... It's no different than a broken arm or leg ... It needs professional intervention and care ...

If you don't want to do meds, then at least do therapy ... I can no longer take meds as allergies and side effects made them more dangerous too my health than the issues they were prescribed for ...

There are many therapists out there who realize medications aren't for everybody and they have many other tools in the toolbox to work with ... From simple talk therapy, to art therapy, to group therapy, to dialectical behavior therapy, to cognitive behavioral therapy to ... The list goes on and on ... The first step is to find a qualified therapist that's a good fit for you then y'all can take it from there ...

Again ... YOU ARE STRONG ... !!! ... Don't ever forget that, okay? ... ...

,
Pfrog!

[oliamble]

Don't feel bad OP about wanting to go back on the meds. I started feeling the same and luckily I had refills left from the times my T had prescribed them. I'm sure if you talk to your therapist between you and them you can make a better judgment about going back on your medicines because as others have pointed out, there is no need to be suffering, we only live a short life and if those medicines are out there why not take them.

In my personal experience I took fluoxetine for almost 14yrs and until this day I don't have a negative effect that I can bring up as a side effect. I stopped them some time ago and had to come back on them, but again we try to fight depression off, but trust me I know in flesh & blood how hard it can be.

I hope you see your T soon ok, best of luck. :-)