[misscath007]

This might sound like more of an anxiety thread than Depression, although I am still experiencing symptoms of both. Lately, I have been feeling very overwhelmed by life. I am dealing with back pain(possible herniated disc) & trying to resolve the pain I am still feeling. It is very hard to do anything when you are feeling physically bad.

On top of that I am worried about my finances and not being able to find any more work. I work part time as a nanny and jobs have been difficult to find. With my back out of commission, I can't do a lot of lifting. It feels like there is something new everyday to add to my growing list of anxiety. I also help care for my dad who has Alzheimer's and that can be a test of patience also.

I recently went for an MRI and will get the results tomorrow. I had a week of physical therapy, since that is all my insurance would pay for. Would just like to be out of pain and able to function normally at least physically.

What complicates things is that my depressive thinking starts to kick in and I feel like why bother trying to fix anything? Life just feels like one long giant grind that I have to endure more than anything else. Does anyone else ever feel like this? If so how do you reconcile these feelings?

Anyway, thanks for reading. This is my first thread since I have joined, really like this forum.

[regretful]

Ahh, the problems with depression and anxiety. When I was a practicing psychologist I often told people that if depression and anxiety are not siblings, then they are certainly first cousins...when you find one, you generally find the other in its wake...

There is a lot of help for people who are caring for a loved with with Alzheimer's Disease. If you haven't visited it yet, go to the main site for the Alzheimer's Association www.alz.org . Another good site is www.caregiver.org and that is for the Family Caregiver Alliance.

As for why bother fixing anything, well, your dad with AD is probably more appreciative of your help than he can tell you (assuming that his illness is advanced, and I'm sorry if that is too grand an assumption).

Oh, as for your last two questions: yup! I feel like that a lot. It is what I call depression logic coming into play. Life is quite a chore, even more so when you are depressed, and even more so when you are caring for someone that is chronically ill. Your question about reconciling the feelings: I try to reconcile them by taking small victories. Today, for instance, I made it through the day without spontaneously weeping (I have had some trouble with that over the past couple of days); I also have been able to stay awake all day - no small achievement as this depression is very tiring...

The other thing that I have been doing to reconcile these feelings is to visit this forum, even a couple of times a day.

And finally, I focus on one thing that I'm grateful for, even if it is something as simple as being able to read what others write on these forums...

Best wishes.

[misscath007]

TY for responding Regretful. It helps to know that other people have gone through the same experience with depression & anxiety together. I was told that most people dx'ed with depression usually have a diagnosis of GAD to go along with it. It just seems to complicate things.

I know that I have reasons to keep going, but I usually have to look below the surface to find them. My dad does need my help. I am familiar with the Alzheimer's Assoc, I visit their website and forum on a regular basis.

Thanks again for responding. I was beginning to think no one was going to respond to my post.

[regretful]

Yeah,

I know what you mean about people not responding...GAD complicates depression and vice-versa. What I think is most useful when confronting both of these demons is to do just what you indicated - look below the surface for reasons to keep going.

Last night I was having a particularly tough time with my mood. I was feeling like my world was falling apart - nothing feels like it is going well for me at this time with my business, which is an all consuming nightmare...anyway, what helped me get to a point where I was able to sleep was my wife telling me that we have a son that cares about us and we care for him. It's strange to note that a reason as powerful as that is below the surface, but when depression is active, that's just the sad reality...

It is difficult to stop being so self-centered when I am depressed. Thank you for your post because in responding to others I feel like I'm sharing a burden with someone. Not sure if that makes much sense to anyone other than me...but I really appreciate the hard work that you are doing to help your father and help yourself at the same time and all the while being a member of the club of back pain sufferers...

Best to you.

[misscath007]

I think that was so sweet of your wife to mention your son. I have a married sister who I am very close to that lives nearby. It's just her, my brother in law and nephew and my dad left in my immediate family. I try to count my blessings that I have her. She just recently went through a recurrence of cancer and I was so afraid that I was going to lose her. I am not religious but God definately intervened on my behalf.

I know what you mean about being self centered when depressed. I try to make it a point to reach out to others who are suffering, makes me feel less alone while battling this illness. TY again for your kind words, it really makes a difference!

[regretful]

Originally Posted by misscath007

I think that was so sweet of your wife to mention your son. I have a married sister who I am very close to that lives nearby. It's just her, my brother in law and nephew and my dad left in my immediate family. I try to count my blessings that I have her. She just recently went through a recurrence of cancer and I was so afraid that I was going to lose her. I am not religious but God definately intervened on my behalf.

I know what you mean about being self centered when depressed. I try to make it a point to reach out to others who are suffering, makes me feel less alone while battling this illness. TY again for your kind words, it really makes a difference!

It was very kind of my wife to mention that...You're fortunate to have a family that you are close to. Despite living in the same few square miles as two sisters and a mother, with another sister 150 miles away, I'm very isolated from my family. They don't seem to understand me. They claim to want to help, but never reach out.

This reaching out to others is a good thing. I have a very dear friend who has struggled with severe war-related PTSD. He told me the other day that when he was feeling at his lowest (as PTSD has a significant depressive component for him) that he would go to the soup kitchen in his town and serve meals to people...he said that as bad as it might sound, giving help to people who were worse off than he was really helped him out of some tough spots...I talk with that friend frequently (three days a week, at least). He's been "there"...suicidal, isolated, depressed, anxious, tearful. I've known him since '92 and we've been friends ever since. I'm thankful for him as a blessing in my life.

Thanks for the kind words too...they are very meaningful to me. I take to heart what people write on these forums. I find the honesty to be very uplifting, even when I am feeling so down.

[Rose76]

MissCath - in answer to your question, I feel like you describe - a lot. I have not successfully reconciled these feelings. Sometimes, I think I am becoming less successful, as I get older. I truly hear you. We have some parallels. My own personal hunch is that loneliness lies at the back of a lot of it. That hunch hasn't led me to a solution. I can think one up, theoretically, but I don't do so well, in practice.

I devoted myself to a man I fell in love with a long time ago - a man who is much older than I am. I am, at times, his caretaker. He's gone from treating me like the girl of his dreams to like a niece he is vaguely fond of. I find it heart breaking, at times. I feel like I am being depleted by giving and not getting much back. A father is different, but not altogether. You are giving. He is not well enough to give much back. Hopefully, you felt well loved by him, at one time. Maybe, or maybe not. It can feel like the life is getting sucked out of you.

Also, when you are with someone needing caretaking, you can't socialize like you would if you were with someone well. I'm not great at socializing, but my opportunities are, also, reduced by my situation, as I believe yours are.

In any way that we can have meaningful contact with peers, we improve our lives. Caregiving is not reciprocal interaction.

I'm sorry about your back pain. That, indeed, makes everything else hard to tackle. You can't possibly feel well.

That depression and anxiety come together has certainly been my experience. They've been called two sides of the same coin. I know that, for me, one feeds into the other. Depression for me can be an escape from anxiety - fear and worry over what you don't know a solution for. It is very, very hard.

I have found my family ties dwindling. I never had children. My sibs seem to become more distant as time goes by. Then I did move far from everyone, which didn't help. I thought it was a temporary move to attend a school, and here I still am. I'm glad you feel close to your sister, though fear of losing her has caused you great anxiety.

[misscath007]

Originally Posted by Rose76

I find it heart breaking, at times. I feel like I am being depleted by giving and not getting much back. A father is different, but not altogether. You are giving. He is not well enough to give much back. Hopefully, you felt well loved by him, at one time. Maybe, or maybe not. It can feel like the life is getting sucked out of you.

Also, when you are with someone needing caretaking, you can't socialize like you would if you were with someone well. I'm not great at socializing, but my opportunities are, also, reduced by my situation, as I believe yours are.

In any way that we can have meaningful contact with peers, we improve our lives. Caregiving is not reciprocal interaction.

Yes, I always had a good relationship with my dad. Otherwise I don't think I could do this. But you are right Rose, it's not a reciprocal relationship when you are caretaking, but I know he is grateful for my help. Yes, it does cut down on socializing, and I feel guilty if I have to be away overnight. Altho my sis would help out & take care of him.

[Rose76]

Let your sis contribute. I know she was not well. I hope she is recovering. Let her help. It may actually help her. You absolutely need to have some overnights away. You will become a wreck, otherwise. With caring for an Dad who has Alzheimer's, I suspect you sleep, with one eye half open. I mean, honestly, can you ever totally relax? I think you are under an awful lot of stress. Even your brother-in-law might be open to taking a night shift now and then. Sometimes folks are slowed down from offering help for fear that you will take it as them taking control away from you. Invite help when you can. A few hours in the afternoon . . . Even a nephew or niece can pitch in. Down the line, they will feel proud to have contributed. Use your imagination to involve them.

[misscath007]

Yes, I think my sister will be helping out much more in the coming month. She knows how much stress I am under and does support me & is a good sounding board. I just found out yesterday that I will probably be getting back surgery and that will involve a 2 day hospital stay. I posted about it in the Chronic pain forum. My dad can either stay over their house or she can come here to help him out. She has been helping out a lot more since my back started bothering me and she should....it's her father too. My nehpew is away at college but my brother in law can help too if need be.

Believe me I am not shy about asking for help. Especially now with me being half incapacitated.

[Rose76]

As you know, you will need a period of recovery after your back surgery. Hospitals now discharge patients way sooner than they used to. So get everyone on board the idea that you will need backup and respite for awhile after the surgery. I'm glad that you are not shy about asking for help. I'm sorry for the pain you endure, due to your back, and I hope this surgery, if you do have it, will provide relief from that.