keeping my head above the water

Hi. I just wanted to vent a little. I get very tired being a parent, especially when my boys just don't care or respect me. It hurts very much. I feel like I somehow failed them. They are still so young (7 & 10) and I hope they will learn to care and respect others.
I have difficulty, too, with getting "too" close to people. A good friend (he is a psychologist) brought something to my attention. I had breast cancer at the age of 31 (now am 36 in remission). My boys were 2 and 5. At that point I faced my mortality. It is a horrible loss of control. It does not go away. This hidden fear creeps up and gets in the way of alot of things, including my ability to be a good parent. I feel like my "mothering nature" is inadequate, not strong, fearful, powerless. Oh, I know this all sounds so dark and glum. It can be actually, just not always.
I work hard everyday to start fresh and be better than the day before. Sometimes I feel like I am stuck this way, I hate looking at the history of the past 8 years. The depression struck first, and took a lot from me. I worked hard to gain a sense of self back. Then when I felt really good....BAM! Cancer. It really sucks. I never know if or when it will come back....it may never....but the chances are higher than for someone that never had it. I fight every day.
Thanks for listening. I think I am in many ways a control freak...it interferes in so many areas of my being....it is such a struggle.
HUGS!
Yellowrose

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Sounds like you've got a lot to cope with starting with the fear of the cancer coming back. Lord, that must be tough!! Have you talked to your doctor about your depression? Either he could prescribe something for it or recommend a therapist. You owe it to yourself to get help so that you can conquer your fear and feel better about raising your boys properly. Those boys treat you the way they do because they know they can. I know it's not fair but that's kids for you. If you don't have strong boundaries for them, they're run all over you. I can imagine how helpless and bad that makes you feel. It's so tough raising kids these days, anyway.

Hang in there. Vent away any time you feel you need to.



"For unto us a Son is given..."

((((YellowRose))))

You're tired and worn out, it sounds like. You're fighting a lot. Gosh, breast cancer that young is hard to deal with, that's a time when most people normally are really getting a good grip on our lives and just really living... families, careers, whatever it is they choose.

Your boys have a great mom! I think you're setting a great example for them but fighting so hard for yourself to thrive. You've got a lot to struggle with, and I think your "mothering instinct" is all there and intact just because you want it to be, you're aware of your boys and their needs.

thanks for the support!
HUGS!
yellowrose

Yes, the cancer threw everyone for a loop! Just goes to show that you never really know what life will bring....HUGS!!! Thanks for your words of encouragement about motherhood!!!
Yellowrose

You're gonna be just dandy!