[Abby]

Hi, I'm new here so be gentle with me! I wanted to ask you if i'm depressed or not. It seems so stupid having to ask but i'm scared of exagerating everything n making a complete fool of myself. Besides i can't talk to my family coz i don't think they'd understand it - not of my family have had depression n it's not as if any awful events have happened to make me feel sad so it's alittle pathetic that i sometimes feel really down. I'm not at the mo. - it comes n goes - n for no particular reason at the mo. i feel fine, not great, but normalish. Anyway i'll stop rambling n tell you abit about my sadness. I felt kinda worthless for a while since i was 13/14, i'm very geeky n was made fun of at school for the way i looked n acted (like a 40yr old woman!) n i was constantly told i was born in the wrong era by my family (not intentionally meaning to be horrible but it's stuck with me). I'm still really embarrassed by certain features of myself because of the teasing - but thousands of kids go through that so it's not that important.
What i took from this though is that i didn't fit in. I'm 18 now n should be out there n happy but i'm not. Well not all the time. I'm still wierdish, i like country music, drawing princesses etc - (i bet you're all thinking "ahhh!!"). My saddness has not really ever effected my grades or anything n i'm going to uni next yr but i seem to have lost all my self-confidence. My family would argue with this coz i can be quite sarcastic n critical at times, but they don't know half the time how i'm feeling because i'm too proud to tell them n besides how can they help me i need to work this out by myself.
The worst thing about my sadness is the feeling that i'm sooo average rather than the blues themself. This is a quote from my diary from about a month ago "I pretend to be happy but i'm not - i feel a dark hole inside my heart that is threatning to swallow me up. I'm so unhappy i can't be bothered with anything or anyone - though i keep wishing for things that i know i'll never be able to obtain". That isn't a normal feeling is it?? Am i being stupid? This is another one "i want to be proud of myself - but i've done nothing special ever - i leave that up to everyone else. I'll never be able to compete against them".
Sometimes i feel numb - " i'm not depressed anymore but i'm unsure whether i've come through it. I'm just really lythargic n feel absolutely nothing at all. When people ask me how i am, i say fine coz i am, nothing more, nothing less. I couldn't care less about anything at the moment".
Maybe i'm being silly because at the time of writing this i was really bored as i was between school n a job but the feeling did kinda continue, maybe not to such an excess but... "it's so wierd feeling nothing it's like your heart has been extracted, your brain n body work perfectly but you feel nothing while you're doing things".
I'm scared of making a fuss as sometimes i'm fine just alittle pathetic for being so upset of nothing. Then I feel quilty for taking things for granted n try n make a consertive effort to be nice to my family n stop distincing myself from them. I have tried to find out why i'm here, what's the point in my exsistence (through religion etc) n it helps to a point n then something happens n i slump back down thinking "what's the point?" The awful thing is is that i know how to help myself but when i'm down i can't find the energy to put it into action. When i was down i wrote this "how can you know a solution n not do it - i'm weak n evil.". I hope you don't think i'm a hypercondriacte for writing these things down like this but it's easier to show how i'm feeling sometimes this way. "I'm so selfish n rude aren't i, i always need to make my problems worse than everyone elses - loads of people in my family have worries but they're not depressed n complaining".
I hate what i wrote a few weeks ago coz it upsets me as i hate to think it's true. "I need a personality transplant or something - might stop me from being so mean, rude n selfish. I hate it when i write these words coz i so want to be the perfect happy person, yet though i've tried i've gotten nowhere n people still dislike me. I mean everyone has there flaws but i have no redeeming qualities to counteract my awful ones". Writing it now, i feel selfish because i know my family loves me, n now when i'm fine, i can see hope n that i'm n okay n i think i'm being pathetic again!! But then something will happen, something soo small n i go all crap again. " i dont know why but sometimes i get s jealous n bitter about my life. The smallest act can make this feeling arise in my heart n spread slowly through my veins like poisen. It's not over-whelming like anger but it gradually makes me more n more confused".
What i'm asking after all this rambling is that am i depressed or is it just you usual teenage hormones? - because sometimes i'm fine - surely if i was depressed i'd be down all the time n not be eating n sleeping. But i those areas i'm fine. I did try talking to my doctor one time, when i went for something else, about feeling down - but unfortunetly couldn't be bothered! It's a circle for me, when i'm up, i feel i dont need any help or guidence so don't get any but when i'm down i feel it's as if it's not worth it coz i think that if i was really that bad someone would notice n help me! I don't talk to my family about my sadness coz i don't thing they'd understand n have other problems to deal with - but sometimes i feel like i'm drowning - i'm screaming but noone can here me!
Please help me in any way you can - tell me to get lost n get a life if thats what you think, if i know what i'm dealing with then maybe i can fight it - but the not knowing is killing me. Thanks Abby

[kvinneakt]

It sure sounds like a pretty well established depression to me.

I can only comment as one who has it and been around it's edges forever.

Keep a lifeline out. This is a good place if you don't have any physical beings who can/will do that for you.

Be very wary of suicidal thinking, even if it is subtle.

Be certain that, like with the flu, the passage of time will bring better times.

Ask your doctor for a psychiatric referal, or use whatever means you have of finding a doctor who knows how to work with mental illness. They can help you use meds to bring about some control of your feelings. Meds can be harsh, but can save your life.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[dexter]

Abby it seems like you may have depression. You really need to see a doctor to be sure.

Even if you are not suffering from depression in the classic sense, there seems to definitely be something going on there, something that you wish to improve in your life. For this reason I think you really should try to find a doctor and therapist to see what is going on and what help they can provide.

Posting here was a good first step, along with recognizing that there is something that could possibly be improved with some help. I hope you will continue to post here. Even with professional help, the support of other people who understand will be invaluable to helping you feel better.

Good luck

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

[soscared]

Hi Abby and Welcome
It is good to see that you know that something just isn't quite right for you.
I think that you should talk to your Doc. again and explian this in further detail, also you shoul take what you have wrote and show hiim, as this can give him a better understanding of how you are/were feeling at that time.
If he shrugs it off get a second opinion, it sounds like you may have depression, or post tramutic stress disorder(Sometime you have repressed memories that you are not aware of), or maybe a personality disorder.
I am only guessing as I have all three, and it sounds so familiar., especially the numb part.
In anycaase you really should not put this off, It is important to understand what is going on for you, It could even be a situational depreeion.
Best of Luck
Let us know how it is going for you.
There are lots of great people here to lend a listening ear, and give support etc.
Take Care

[lost_as_always]

hello abby sounds like you feel guilty alot i cant say much other than if your not happy then something needs to change.

[Rapunzel]

Abby,

When I was the age that you are now I said all the things that you are saying, including that I had nothing of significance to be upset about (I was jealous of people who did - at least people could understand why they were upset). I couldn't talk to anyone about it either. Back then I didn't know that other people in my family had depression because it wasn't something they were willing to talk about, especially to me. When I did try to say anything they told me I was selfish, and I believed them. It does have hills and valleys - sometimes you'll feel okay, but other times you don't. When I was felt better I questioned the reality of the times when I was down (I still do - somehow it doesn't seem real, and I have this need to keep going back there, to get down again, just to find out if it is real or not, one more time).

If you don't get some help it just keeps getting worse. I started having problems with depression when I was 9 years old (or maybe before that even), and I wanted help but couldn't get it. People just don't always listen to a kid about things like that. At 18 I was aware of the problem and had an idea what it was, and people I met were noticing that something wasn't right with me. At 19 I tried counseling for the first time and was told that I was just homesick and just needed to get married. The next year it was worse and the new counselor I went to diagnosed me with personality disorders, but still didn't seem to believe the depression part of it. I mentioned depression to doctors when I was there for something else, but none of them seemed to want to get into it and I never pushed it.

The first time I was diagnosed with a major depressive episode I was 24 years old. I got therapy but nobody said anything about meds and the therapy didn't really change anything. The thing they missed that time was that it wasn't just one episode - it was my whole life!

I was over 30 years old when I started seeing the therapist I have now, who is the first one to actually deal with any of the real problems. By this time it's never going to be curable. I have great coping skills though and am finally trying to do some of the things with my life that I always wanted to and never thought I could.

Don't wait this long. You can have your life back now, but you have to fight for it. Unfortunately, you will probably have to be pretty direct about asking for help, and depression makes it so hard to be that assertive, but you can do it. If I could have found a group like this back then who would have supported me and told me that I wasn't just selfish all that, it would have made a huge difference. You have that here. You aren't selfish, and it sounds like you do have depression and treatment can help you. Doctors pay more attention if you make an appointment specifically about depression. If you have access to counseling through your school or insurance or whatever, make sure to tell them all the things that you think might not be right. There were so many things that I didn't know were relevant like that I couldn't sleep at night and was tired all day, etc. Sometimes having good coping skills keeps even the professionals from knowing what your problem is, so try to make sure you tell them everything.

I wish you well, and if you have any more questions or need any more help we'll be here for you when you need us.

You can do it!
-Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[kvinneakt]

Wendy/Rapunzel said it very well. Work this thing out now. You are at a very important time in life where small choices make big differences later. My parents did not deal with me effectively and let me plot a bad course. I have done ok with the leftovers, but I could have had a full plate.

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>