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#1
Jun 26, 2012, 04:45 PM
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I've had another bad breakdown at work after a confrontation with my line manager. I have had a splitting headache since.
Now I'm seriously in danger of losing my job and with it, the accommodation attached to it. I'd only just been back a few weeks and now I'm going off sick again. I just can't cope any longer. I will have to apply for more jobs, but I lose the profession I like, the colleagues outside my team, my flat and my friends and acquaintances. I had just started feeling better and now it's another setback. I can't cope. What shall I do? There is a lot more to say but I am too exhausted to type any more. Any suggestions, hugs etc are welcome.
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As long as we dream, we are still alive. |
 Anonymous32930, Anonymous37781, bumpy_road, clouds_and_sun, dailyhealing, Dos3512, Fuzzybear, optimize990h, Piraeus, retro_chic, Rohag, TerryL, whimsygirl
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#2
Jun 26, 2012, 07:49 PM
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When something like that happens to me. I am afraid to confront anyone because then I feel like they won. But now, I realize that I kept things bottled up and too many feelings and memories are trying to ignite. So I understand where you are coming from.
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 Shadow-world
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#3
Jun 26, 2012, 11:01 PM
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I'm so sorry you are hurting, it sounds like a really tough spot. I don't know that I have advice, I'm not so good at that... But I would say if your current job doesn't work for you looking for something else may be best? Thanks for posting, feel free to PM anytime if you want to talk more.
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dailyhealing "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." - Helen Keller Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than those who are most content. –Bob Dylan “If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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| Shadow-world
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#4
Jun 27, 2012, 12:56 AM
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Is the friction at work personal? Can you talk with Human Resources?
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| Shadow-world
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#5
Jun 27, 2012, 12:26 PM
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Thank you for the hugs and comments.
Optimize990h and Dailyhealing, it means something to feel understood. Thank you. TerryL, HR is already involved. My line manager and I have talked to them separately and will now have a shared meeting. And, yes, I keep looking for posts although there isn't much out there at the moment. I put one application in a few weeks ago and even got an interview but unfortunately didn't get the job. I'll try to put another application in this weekend when my energy levels might be up again a bit more although I'm not quite sure whether there is an appropriate job out there I have a chance of getting when I look at the professional websites. I really need some continuity in my life with regards to work, where I live (accommodation), the people I meet etc.
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As long as we dream, we are still alive. |
| optimize990h, TerryL
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#6
Jun 27, 2012, 03:21 PM
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Sorry you are in this situation, Shadow World. Work can be stressful enough without personalities being in conflict. Have no real advice for you, just huggs and positive wishes.
__________________
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt BP2 Lithium, lamictal, topomax, seroquel |
| Shadow-world
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#7
Jun 28, 2012, 11:47 AM
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I have now got an appointment / meeting with my line manager and HR for next Tuesday and am scared beyond words.
How can I best prepare myself? Will that just be it? Will it just add to the current breakdown? I don't know what to do!!
__________________
As long as we dream, we are still alive. |
| Anonymous32930, dailyhealing, optimize990h, Rose76, TerryL
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#8
Jun 30, 2012, 09:06 PM
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If there is any trusted person IRL with whom you can talk, I think that would be a good idea. Bounce things off of friends. Also, I think it would be good for you to get paper and pen and write down things. Like write out what you are worried you might hear. Write out possible responses you might like to make to criticisms that might be made of you.
From having been in situations that I think may have been somewhat like yours, I would also say practice thinking about not"over-responding." It can be less stressful if you foresee this as not about getting into a debate with the line-supervisor. You don't have to agree, or disagree, with what is said to you. It is a good idea to listen respectfully. I know that, in these type situations, I used to have a tendency to get really hyper-emotional and that did me no good at all. You might even take a little note pad to the meeting with you. (You really have to feel out the vibes, but it might not be as weird as I know it might sound.) You could note down what is being said to you, so that you can remember and look at it after. Also, I think people are more careful about what they say, if they see that you are making a little record of it, even though it's just a few notes. Then, after the meeting is over, you can look at your notes by yourself and see just what is the issue. And you can show your notes to trusted friends and say "Does this sound reasonable?" Insecurity about your means of livelihood is bound to be awfully stressful. I've been through it repeatedly. It's worse than people generally acknowledge. I truly believe that job loss can cause PTSD. I don't say that to scare you, but to recognize that what you are going through is truly hard. |
| Piraeus
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| MotherMarcus, Shadow-world
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#9
Jul 01, 2012, 12:12 AM
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Hi, I'm sorry about your situation. The advice I can give you is to write down what you want to say to prepare for your meeting. It seems like you are very overwhelmed and at least having stuff written down will keep things from getting too confrontational? Hope it helps and good luck.
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| Shadow-world
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#10
Jul 01, 2012, 02:39 AM
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Quote:
I had the same experience on a job and have not been to a job since then. just a thought if you do decide to leave you could do two things.1. If you feel that you can work in your condition I highly suggest that you check in with your local VR office (Vocational Rehab) they are awesome. What they do is help you find a job with your condition, I tired that route for me and I got an intern job and they paid for me to see a counselor, they help with a lot of things, buy a uniform, help get some books, even if you need up to a two year degree for a job they support that too (with the cost of all of this stuff). It sadly didn't work for me, I tried an internship but my anxiety and panic disorder got in the way of that. Please I strongly recommend that you try that. 2. You could apply for Social Security Disability. I am in the process of that, but I stopped cause of lack of motivation. Anyway, please consider these options, it so breaks my heart to hear that you are suffering like this. I think you are a dear person and I hope for the very best for you. Keep us all updated Shadow. Again here are some
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| optimize990h
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| Piraeus, Shadow-world
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#11
Jul 01, 2012, 02:48 AM
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I can't imagine how scared you must feel but as suggested how about writing stuff down? Sorry that you feel pants atm
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| Shadow-world
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#12
Jul 03, 2012, 01:27 PM
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Hi everyone,
thank you for all the suggestions. I did prepare and wrote a lot of things down. Unfortunately I couldn't keep my emotions out of it. I did run my scribblings past my therapist last night and although she said that it was highly emotional, she also said I can try and present these as my thoughts as long as I preface them as my perceptions and emotions. I did this at the meeting today, but I was still interrupted because my words seemed to be attacking her, my line manager just sneered and laughed contemptuously at one point, the HR person found my words unproductive and so it went on from there. My line manager still called my work 'shoddy', she still insisted that I wasn't up for my grade and I still think that the things she mentioned were minor and disagree with her generalisation. She said she can't give me more autonomy if I can't get the basics right and the HR person agreed. She also mentioned how often I cry and that she can't always play my counsellor. Maybe she is right - maybe I subconsciously tried to get a mother and a counsellor in her. Maybe there is some transactional analysis at work. Maybe I behave in an immature way and I have never grown up and never really become a professional. I really really dislike myself at the moment. I feel like giving up on everything. I am completely exhausted. I don't know where to go from here. I just want everything to stop!! I don't know what to do any longer. I just can't cope with the work situation. What shall I do? Will I have to try and find out about incapacity benefit? Shall I try to apply for other jobs instead (not many out there) or will I be incapable anyway of establishing proper work relations with anybody? Am I just a hopeless case???? And my lovely flat is tied to my work place. I will lose this as well! If I had a new one to go to, which is nice, okay, but I don't. :-( I am completely overwhelmed and desperate. Please, can anyone reply? I am so clueless and although I am not exactly suicidal I am ashamed of myself enough to really not want to go on (even though I wouldn't act on this). I need help!
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As long as we dream, we are still alive. |
| optimize990h, Rose76
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#13
Jul 03, 2012, 02:36 PM
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Oh Shadow-world, I am so sorry the meeting did not go as well as you had hoped
 . I know how much your job means to you especially since your housing is tied to it. But I think it is good that at least both sides presented themselves. I know you must have performed well in the past so did something happen to change things? Do you think you can work with your line manager to improve on things? She might appreciate your efforts and change her attitude towards you.(hopefully) In the meantime, it really couldn't hurt to look at what other jobs are out there, just in case. Please don't give up!
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| Shadow-world
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#14
Jul 03, 2012, 03:06 PM
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I'm sorry you are going through such a rough ordeal. Having been through getting let go from a job I had for over 4 years, I do know that it can be devastating. I'm not in a position to know if your work is shoddy or not shoddy. (You are in a position to know.) But it does sound to me suspiciously like your line manager may be an opportunistic bully . . . she has seen your tears and is aware that you are a bit fragile and seems to go for the throat in her criticism. I have had the experience of being let go from a job where my supervisors told me I wasn't quite up to snuff in a very nice way. They were right. I really wasn't up to the job. But they were as kind as they could be in the way they discussed it with me. So that's why I am suspicious that your supervisor is someone who likes to lean on a person who will take it very hard. It sounds like you may kind of believe this yourself. I say that because you seem despairing of any hope that you can have a decent relationship with this person. You may be right in that. It seems she has gotten to know more about your personal emotional life than it is safe to reveal to someone like her. Anyway you could get away from her without leaving the job? Don't assume the job is lost until someone warns you that you may be terminated. You could even go over the head of your supe and plainly ask just that, saying, "I need to know if I am in danger of losing my employment here."
It maybe wouldn't hurt to get some interviews with other employers. Are there other places that need people who do what you do? Does the flat require you to just have a job, or do you have to keep the specific job you are at, in order to keep the flat. I hope things can be put on a better footing. You have been living in a state of feeling threatened for quite a while. That is unhealthy on a number of fronts.
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| MotherMarcus, Shadow-world
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#15
Jul 04, 2012, 10:12 AM
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Have you spoken with your co-workers about what's been happening ? If you aren't the only one experiencing trouble with this manager, maybe someone else would be willing to confront them. ::::HUGS:::
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| Shadow-world
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#16
Jul 04, 2012, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Regardless, I seriously doubt it's all you, Shadow-world. 
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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| Rose76, Shadow-world
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#17
Aug 04, 2012, 03:44 PM
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Quote:
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| Shadow-world
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#18
Aug 04, 2012, 03:55 PM
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The increased dose is helping. I have started to feel better and try hard to focus on my work and blend all the other things out whilst being there. I'll see where things are going in the next couple of months, ie whether I feel I need to leave the job, relocate etc (in case I find something else). For the moment, I'm trying to pick up and be in a better place. I hope you can do this, too!
__________________
As long as we dream, we are still alive. |
| optimize990h
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#19
Aug 04, 2012, 10:11 PM
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Quote:
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| Shadow-world
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#20
Aug 05, 2012, 09:58 AM
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Since you talk about seeing how things go over the next few months, then does that mean that they are not about to push you out the door (at work.) If so, then that sounds like you must be doing a decent enough job to be allowed to stay. All the same, not being sacked isn't the same as being truly valued and no job feels good when that is missing. If it seems that you are never going to be treated as a "truly valued" employee, then I would advise that you look at finding another work opportunity. Maybe just for a future option.
I totally endorse what you say about needing "continuity." In fact, I think it is a sign of maturity that you wish to maximize that in your circumstances. So many make the mistake of thinking that the grass is always greener elsewhere, and they flee an uncomfortable situation. (I've done that and regretted it.) I give you credit for having the strength to grapple with this place where you are subject to so much negativity. At the same time, we can sometimes linger too long in what is not a good fit. I would say continue to not be in a hurry to leave, but do try and discover options. Having your flat connected to this job is a huge consideration. In the long run though, it might be an unhealthy arrangement because it keeps your eggs (real important ones) in one basket. Could that be a factor in what sounds to me like some bullying that you are getting . . . that they know how much you have to lose by losing this job, so they can really make you squirm by keeping you in a state of feeling threatened? I think that is very cruel. It's so much to decide and not easy, when so much is at stake. Do any co-workers or friends give you any positive feedback? I hope so. At least, it seems the increased med is proving helpful. I'm glad about that. I hope you have a healthcare provider or counselor that you can talk things out with. (((HUGS))) |
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#21
Aug 06, 2012, 08:21 PM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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