[forgivexforget]

I feel as if my depression is getting worse. Almost every night my mood completely alters. I'm a usually chipper person, but at night everything changes.

I used to think it was numbness, the feeling I'm so used to, but then I realized it was much worse. Numbness doesn't allow you to feel anything. But for me, there's something completely opposite of that, and that's worthlessness. I believe that's what I've been feeling. I'm well aware of my feelings and thoughts, wishing I was numb, but instead I'm trapped inside my head feeling like crap. I don't see a point in anything really.

It sucks having a psychological mind. I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist, so it's almost as if I'm torturing myself by allowing it to continue. I know I'll be fine in the morning, I know that I should probably do something while I'm feeling this way, but I just can't. There's something else that's holding me back from listening to the logical part of my mind.*

And during all of this, all I can think about is hurting myself, thinking that will make it better. I'll smoke loads of cigarettes, attempt to lose myself in another book, and even watch spongebob, but no matter what I do, the urge is trying to claw its way through. It wants me to give in, and I have no idea how I've been able to fight it for this long.

I hate going to people for advice, I always think I'll get judged or I'll just be completely embarrassed, but sometimes I just have to, like now. I like keeping everything in. I feel safe when I do that. I used to be so much better at hiding how I was feeling, and I always fantasize about going back to that. Going back to when no one knew I had depression. Going back to just helping people instead of receiving it. But I guess right now I'm desperate, so that's why I'm posting this. I'm just lost in my own mind and I hate it.

[Taiba Tanjila]

The feeling of being lonely and the fear of getting judged by the people around us, makes us more introvert and more depressive, i can completely identify with your condition, as i used to feel the same as you do, hiding tears behind the smile and presenting oneself in front of others as if nothing had gone wrong with me and then avoiding help, this all used to make me cry for hours, it was worst.

But I must mention here that though that was worst but now the best part is that i have realized that, there nothing bad in being depressed and cry, but it is really bad to get addicted with depression and make the whining and complaining about the things the focus of your life. I had been a clinical depression patient and used to feel very much low, energy-less, and all the times the mood swings had made my condition so worst, then eventually i decided to leave this addiction of depression and believe when I decided this, the logical part of my mind just start working and i shifted my focus away from the dead fly clinging to the window of my room (Depression) towards the lush greenery scene on the other side of the window (My blissful life ). I just shut the door behind me and embraced my beautiful future, Make the decision and embrace the unlimited happiness.

PS: Its not any advice, its a way of making bonds with the Human beings, the social beings, that needs and deserve people around them

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by forgivexforget

I feel as if my depression is getting worse. Almost every night my mood completely alters. I'm a usually chipper person, but at night everything changes.

I used to think it was numbness, the feeling I'm so used to, but then I realized it was much worse. Numbness doesn't allow you to feel anything. But for me, there's something completely opposite of that, and that's worthlessness. I believe that's what I've been feeling. I'm well aware of my feelings and thoughts, wishing I was numb, but instead I'm trapped inside my head feeling like crap. I don't see a point in anything really.

It sucks having a psychological mind. I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist, so it's almost as if I'm torturing myself by allowing it to continue. I know I'll be fine in the morning, I know that I should probably do something while I'm feeling this way, but I just can't. There's something else that's holding me back from listening to the logical part of my mind.*

And during all of this, all I can think about is hurting myself, thinking that will make it better. I'll smoke loads of cigarettes, attempt to lose myself in another book, and even watch spongebob, but no matter what I do, the urge is trying to claw its way through. It wants me to give in, and I have no idea how I've been able to fight it for this long.

I hate going to people for advice, I always think I'll get judged or I'll just be completely embarrassed, but sometimes I just have to, like now. I like keeping everything in. I feel safe when I do that. I used to be so much better at hiding how I was feeling, and I always fantasize about going back to that. Going back to when no one knew I had depression. Going back to just helping people instead of receiving it. But I guess right now I'm desperate, so that's why I'm posting this. I'm just lost in my own mind and I hate it.

Have you ever had lab testing done to determine at which times of the day your levels of serotonin and norepinephrine might be lower? (Can explain why people feel worse at different times of the day....and things can change from time to time.) I had this testing done many times, which helped my doctor to know which meds ~supplements to prescribe, and at what time of day I should take them. I've always thought it's a shame that more physicians don't use these tests. Here's a link just in case you might ever want to look into it. Best wishes for better times...... https://www.neurorelief.com/index.php?p=home

[Leed]

Dear "Forgive" ~ I'm so sorry you're suffering so terribly. I know the feeling well.

Have you every been in therapy? I would suggest that you seek out a good therapist ~ therapy has helped me IMMENSELY. I've been in and out of therapy most of my adult life and I cannot tell you how it's helped me. I've since "graduated" and I feel great. I do have cliinical depression so I'll be on antidepressants all my life, but the horrible things that plagued me for years are gone.

I wish you the very best, and hope you find some relief. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

"Forgive", there is no reason in the world for you to hate talking here. Will we really send out a mass email or text saying "Forgive is depressed agian." (not like anyone will know you). But we're all in the same boat and need this regular dose of meds here to push us into the next day. I can truely relate to wanting to help others because I do too and battle with my mind that, how can I help if I can't even help myself. And sometimes I realize that I will be able to help because I can TRUELY see their battles and now I know how to win them. That evil depression monster loves to sit on me a lot, but I just let it tire out and then pick myself back up. You are trying to poison the creature in yourself, but your hurting yourself too. Just pull it out and battle it head on......you know you have the strength.

[forgivexforget]

I want to thank you all for your kind words. I am sorry for not replying sooner, but I just couldn't get myself to do it.

Taiba Tanjila - What you said is true about being addicted to depression. I don't think I'm necessarily addicted to it, I think for me it's just so familiar. I hold onto it even though I shouldn't. I guess I'm afraid of how I'll feel if I get 'better,' if that makes any sense.

whimsygirl - I actually have never thought of that, but thank you! I will definitely take it under consideration!

Leed - I have had five therapists so far, and I didn't feel right with any of them. One of them was way too opinionated and just annoyed me to no end, and the others were good but I just didn't feel like they fit. I want to find a new one, but I'm afraid of discussing it with my family. I feel like they'll want to know why and then I'll have to go into detail, which I am not ready for. Congrats on graduating and feeling better! It must feel great!

WNT2bNRML - You're right, and I should know that, but there's still part of me that fears what people will say. I'll take your advice to heart and try my best with it. It'll be difficult, but I have to try.

[junkDNA]

sometimes when i am in a depressive episode i feel worse at night too.

a lot of it had to do with something called an "EMOTIONAL FLASHBACK". to times in my youth. traumatic things.. the night associated these things to come back for me as emotions

http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

[dailyhealing]

I would have responded sooner to this if I had seen it. I can relate to a lot of what you have to say. Especially the part about fearing judgment, I really struggle with that still at times! And it was a HUGE issue for me when I was your age (many years ago ). I applaud your courage to speak up on here and put yourself out there!

I would encourage you to keep speaking up, maybe even when you don't feel you are at that breaking point. It's okay to share things, people here want to listen and validate and help you!

I do hope things begin to get better for you soon! I also hope you are successful in finding a therapist that fits for you, it made all the difference for me in my recovery. Thanks again for posting, take care!