[Sezzie]

Hi All.
It's Sezzie. I haven't posted much in the last few days. I'm so so so depressed right now. There's nothing much between me and eternity right now. I feel like everything's gone. I am completely stuffed up. I've stuffed things up so badly and there's nothing i can do about it!!!! I I don't feel like there's much point in me. I keep falling over and over again. I have no future. I keep dropping out and i keep spinning out. It's all gone. I really don't have any hope. I can't take this anymore. i can't take feeling like this anymore. I wish i could be a better person- someone who keeps going when things get tough- but i don't have it in me anymore. This has all been going for too long, for too many years. I just feel that it's all over. There's nothing to fight for anymore because i just can't get there, nor anywhere!
-Sezzie-
It's my birthday again this month and i don't look forward to celebrating it- i haven't had a non-depressed birthday in a very long time!
Please help me? I just can't see how anyone can at this point- but i'm desperate! I'm so desperate to get out of this hell!!!!!!!!

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I do understand, I'm there myself right now. Ok... if you really want to try and pull yourself up out of the pit, there are things you are telling yourself that, though you do feel that way, they aren't true. (cognitive distortions) Everytime you say "can't" you are telling yourself something you don't need to hear. Feelings don't kill us, we do that. If we don't act on the feelings, negatively, we CAN take much more than this... no we don't want to. We don't want life to end, we want life as we are experiencing it to end, we want the misery to end, we want the sadness to end...but not really us...

when you use the words "too many" you are again telling yourself something you don't need to hear right now (and maybe never.) Ok it HAS been a long time feeling this way. (I don't know how long is long to you, but I know the feeling of "too" of anything.)

There's a sticky post at the top of the Psychotherapy forum (10 common cognitive distortions.) What you can begin to do is recognize it when you tell yourself something that is a distortion...

each day is a new day... each hour a new hour. I know when the black swirling mass seems to swallow me up, it's very difficult to imagine having to live another hour... but since I quit telling myself I can't take it any more, I don't feel the horrible frustration that would go along with the sadness.

Is there anyone IRL you can call to share your frustration with? I hope so.

[Lexicon78]

(((((Sezzie)))))

Oh I wish I could be right there with you right now. You need someone so badly.

Please try to do all you can to stay afloat right now. Keep your mind busy with other things...no matter what it is.

[Sezzie]

Hi again
Yep. I'm still here. Still goin.
The only thing i managed to do to keep myself going this weekend was to watch dvd's. I mean, I can't watch dvd's all me life now can i? I was just crying and crying and everything. What i don't get is why my parents just walk past and don't say anything. I mean, I'm not crying to get their attention or anything. I usually don't cry in front of them but this time i just let it all hang out- because it' gone way too far!!!!
Yep you're right i do need someone here with me right now- it just ain't gona be my parents. My mum told me she ain't got nothing to give me. What a really great time to be hearing that!! Never mind. I'm just going to try to read or do something!!!
-Sezzie-
I've stopped taking those silly pills!!

[(JD)]

Just a note: you have the right to stop taking your meds, if that is what you are referring to (IDK) but if you do, you still need to tell the doctor of your decision.

Please talk to someone, even if it's a free hotline?

[Sezzie]

Nah- it wasn't prescription meds that i stopped- it was the sort of medication that i shouldn't have been taking. Self medication with drugs that have a similar action to methamphetamine. Not good! Stopped doing that though- felt really crap but am feeling quite a lot better now. I've had quite a few major developments in my life and realisations over the last few days. i think it was the drugs and definitely a few other environmental things that were making me very desperate when i first posted. I don't really know how i'm going to get through the next time that similar stuff happens- but i've definitely jumped over that last hoop!
-Sezzie-