What is the point anymore... **caution: trigger**

I have not been here in so long.
I am sorry that I have not.
Last night I have had my heart squashed so badly that it caused a major panic attack and makes it very hard for me to go on living. Please let me explain.
See I was in love with this guy who I thought loved me back. But I found out that he was using me and playing games with my feelings. Another words I was a joke to him.
I am in tears as I write this. I hate living, I want to be dead so badly.
I was also told today that no guy would want to date me cause I have a phobia of driving and I have social phobia that almost all men want someone who is very outgoing who drives.
I am not too far from the age of 40 (over a year now until I hit that age).
I have never been in love, never been married, my depression, anxiety, and panic disorder has hindered me from working.
My only small blood family has disowned me over 3 years ago.
I have been denied of social security disability now twice and I am waiting for some court date where I have to represent myself cause my doctor will not write a letter seeing that she is paid by the state.
I was told today that I will go to hell if I take my life, but I feel that i have no other opition at this point.
The only thing I had to live for was that guy that I thought loved me but he didn't, I was a game to him, my feelings my emotions and all.
I have no income (just a wee bit of saving to get me out of here to the winderness) I have no insurance nothing, I just want to go.
Please if you are going to reply don't be harsh, that is all I ask for. Thank you kindly.
The pain is too big for me to bare.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time right now. A broken heart is a difficult thing to heal. Both a heart and a mind take time, understanding and support to get better but I assure you they both can. Please keep posting and let us know how it's going for you.

Clouds, I am so sorry you are so sad I wish I had words to make you feel better. I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there despite your depression and anxiety. Do you have a T that you can talk to?

as for trying to find someone. I know it isn't easy. If that guy did not treat you well then you are better off on your own. I know it can be very lonesome being on your own though. How about volunteering? and not all guys want outgoing girls..many are shy and are more comfortable with a gal who is more low-key. I think men would love to have a friend too, not just a girlfriend. (I don't think you not being able to drive will matter) I hope one day you will meet someone who likes you just the way you are.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

Sorry for the broken heart understand the pain it brings. I send you hugs to comfort you. about the social security after I was denied the 2nd time I found an attorney who does not get paid unless you are awarded social security. I believe that is the law and ther are so may loopholes an attorney can get around. look into it because it is worth the fight. Just don't give up there is still many was to recover out there. Have you looked into a T that work on a sliding fee scale that whats mine does and I hardly pay anything. Plus look into community MH programs that offer groups and therapy again I utilize mine and it gives me a place to go to be accepted and respected. Keep moving forward and realize that there are other men out there who would love the opportunity to know and love you.

Try to hang in there ((((clouds_and_sun)))))))) it sounds like you are having a really hard time. Please don't listen to the stuff about never finding someone because you are not outgoing and can't drive, that is just not true. I hope the Social Security stuff works out very soon, it can be such a hassle to deal with the red tape involved with getting help but try not to get discouraged.

((((((( Clouds_and_Sun! )))))))

I want to thank you all for your support and wise words, I am feeling a bit better now. Thank you once again
{{hugs}}

Dear sweet Clouds ~ I'm so glad you're feeling better. I've only seen this post today. I wish I'd seen it sooner.

I hope you know that you're a vital part of this world. You were put here for a reason, and it up to you to find that reason. Just as we all were put here for a reason. It just takes time to find out what it is. God doesn't make junk.

Whoever that guy is, is a creep. He isn't worth even worrying about. Karma will get him in the end. He WILL be judged.

Have you retained a lawyer to help you get Disability? You can hire one on contingency, so you dont' have to pay him. He gets his pay from your back wages when you get your award. SS attorneys almost ALWAYS win -- so see what you can do about that, ok??

You can always get SSI, which is Supplemental Security Income. Ask about that, plus your state usually has its own Disability income. Ask about that too.

I wish you the very best, my dear. And God bless you!! Please keep us informed, ok? We DO CARE! Hugs, Lee

a permanent solution to a temporary problem is not an option. I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. do not let some loser man tell you that you're worthless because YOU ARE AMAZING. I know it's hard to believe but it's true. you weren't put on this Earth to be miserable. time will heal these wounds and you will find solutions to these problems. hang in there. xoxo

oh, and look at how many hugs you were given on your first post! you are loved.

hang in there cloud and sun

might be cloudy now, but the sun will come out again

Clouds,
when you lump everything all together it is more than overwhelming.
Focus on maybe two things...the court date and survival through betrayal. Tomorrow i am going to my dearest friend's funeral. Now that she is gone i have no friends left. Since Friday i have been in a a kind of funk. It scares me that she is gone and i have no one. But it is not written that i will not make a new friend today. Perhaps this situation with that awful guy can work towards your advantage at the court meeting. One step at a time....try not to look at how far you still have to go....You have made it thus far...you can continue...even if more slowly....you can go on and learn from that awful guy.