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#1
Sep 05, 2012, 09:40 PM
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Blah... I'm sorry for posting again... I hope this one will sound a whole lot more sane then the last post... I feel so dead, alone, disturbed and altogether terrible... I have nothing left... I have so much to do and absolutely no energy... I have so much schoolwork... and it is so pointless... It's not like I will probably make it into college... I have absolutely no money... beyond that, I feel so distanced from God... My own religion just seems to say that I am going to hell... I hate my family, so much... they are just so dang annoying... I don't have any friends anymore... The only time anyone at school talks to me is if they want tech support for their iPads or laptops, or to tell me I should die... but I can't help them... and heck, I've never had a girlfriend and probably never will... I am completely alone... I really just want to die... What is left to hope for? I can never make it in this life... I just see that in my future. I have almost no money, the price of food is rising, my grades are failing... I wouldn't probably even be able to survive college if I went... And beyond that things will just get worse... I know it. They may call me delusional on this one, but I do know it. I'm sorry for bothering ya'll again, ya'll have better stuff to do.\
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 Giabrina, optimize990h
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#2
Sep 05, 2012, 10:00 PM
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Hello, Deathlyones! No need to apologize for posting. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
So much to discuss... How is your family annoying? (No need to answer -- you talk about what you want, or about nothing at all. This is your thread and we're thinking about you.)
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My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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 dailyhealing
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#3
Sep 05, 2012, 10:42 PM
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Since I am still on here... I will go ahead and answer that. I hate everything about my family. They make me feel so paranoid... I hate that they seem to know about my depression and self-harm... I hate how they always try to get me to second guess everything... I hate how they ruined my life in many occasions... I hate how they talk about me, I don't care if it is good or bad, I hate it. I hate how **** loud they are. I esp. hate my dad who finds it necessary to comment on everything on whatever show I'm trying to watch. I hate how when he isn't talking he is crunching noisily on some snack. I hate that the rest of my family does the same thing, but not nearly as often... I hate them for trying to talk to me, I don't want to talk to them. I hate how they try to keep my bedroom door open, I want it closed 24/7. I hate everything about them. The list goes on and on. I hate them, esp. my dad. I hate how they look down on my seeming laziness and disorgaanization when it comes to school. I hate how they placed even more restrictions on me just before I turned 18 and made my crappy life worse. They made it so that I was not allowed to play video games if someone wasn't watching. They wouldn't let me keep a computer until I agreed that I would leave my room more often(I pseudo-lied to them to get it.) I hate how they constantly are pushing me to get a girlfriend, I AM ****ING TRYING FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I hate how they give me gifts(like this computer and such)to bribe and manipulate me to conform to what they want. I never want to be like my parents. I hate my sister for being so **** childish and annoying, she still bugs me like we were sick, even though I ignore her entirely now. I hate how they manipulate me into eating more, and have thought I was anorexic when I started skipping breakfast. I hate how my dad became a teacher and I hated him more when he became my teacher. I hate how they constantly check up on me... They just naturally piss me off. I hate them for not getting me out of the public schools when I was being psychologically abused there. I hate them for beating me for all the things I never did. I hate it that my dad told me several years later that I deserved worse. I hate how they grounded me so much that I didn't have a childhood. I hate how they never were really there helping me when they claim they were. I hate that they tell me that they love me. I hate how they ignore me most of the time when I actually am trying to communicate. I hate life in their house. I hate everything about them. I hate that I am my father's son. I hate that I inherited some of his genes. I hate everything about me that reminds me vaguely of him. I hate all blue eyes because he has blue eyes. I hate how I look more and more like him everyday. I hate how I sometimes speak like him. I just hate everything about my family.
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| optimize990h
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| Rohag
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#4
Sep 05, 2012, 11:12 PM
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That is a lot of hate! I'm glad you are posting, and sorry you are so angry and unhappy. While my issues are different from you, I did not begin to find myself and any happiness until I got out of my parents house. That was 22 years ago... I hope to keep hearing from you on here, thanks for posting this. It's good to put those feelings out there, whatever they are.
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dailyhealing "Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it." - Helen Keller Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than those who are most content. –Bob Dylan “If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
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#5
Sep 05, 2012, 11:24 PM
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You don't have to apologize for posting how you are feeling. That's what you came here for and we are here for you. At least you are putting all that hate out there so it isn't eating you up inside so much. That's a very good step forward. Just keep posting.
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| dailyhealing
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#6
Sep 05, 2012, 11:30 PM
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I'm sorry
 I'm in the same boat as u with the family things... I totally get u there... As for the depression, have you tried telling a school counselor about it all? The harming? The sense of overwhelm that you get from school? Can u reduce your course load in any way?  I wish there was a quick easy fix... But there isn't. See someone... They can assist you a lot more than you know...
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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.  
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| dailyhealing
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#7
Sep 06, 2012, 10:50 PM
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The closest thing my school has to a counselor is the principle... and we have been at a private war of words for three years now...
School is more than overwhelming... and it is more than the workload... I just feel so hopeless about school... And today that hopelessness gained substance as I listen to a former head of policy at the department of education say that they were horrified when they got the position and found out that the system is designed to prevent upward mobility in life... I already knew that beforehand though... What's the point... we are all doomed... everything was planned out... everything that happened to me... I have recently obtained a certain government file that shows that my abuse was deliberately done... I have 440 pages of government documents as evidence...\ and it is all from the department of education... not only can I not afford college(my grandad lost my college savings in the stock market...) but it doesn't even matter... The work is getting crazier... but I can still handle it... it just conflicts with my personal projects that are of dire importance... I live on 6 hours of sleep each night... kind of... I go to bed at midnight-ish and get up at 6... I am at school from 7:30 - 3:15... then I get home research stuff and maybe do some homework... and normally leave the homework until the day it is due...
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#8
Sep 06, 2012, 11:18 PM
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Quote:
Kayla |
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#9
Sep 08, 2012, 10:50 PM
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I'm not thinking so much about suicide as I am homicide or genocide... not on my school or family though... and I'm the sad one... I feel so terrible...
And history class... I am tired of my teacher's BS that he teaches... I hate it... He makes it seem like it was my people fault that we got slaughtered... And if I say anything against it, I am a racist... its such a long story... blah... I hate this world so much... I hate my government, the stupid sadistic abusive ****ing ***** it is. And no, I don't see a T. I can't afford it.
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