[CgRgSm]

Today I feel like I just cannot do a damn thing. So I log on here. I really have nothing else to do. I hate my life so much.

My job is too stressful and I think I want to quit. But I feel it is the only job out there that I can really do. The question is, how much stress can I take? And what will happen when I do finally lose it?

I feel like just another number. I am not a living being, I am a mindless animal just living out this worthless life that will amount to a grand total of NOTHING point NOTHING in the end. No words can express what I feel, really. I feel an infinite amount of sadness and misery.

I am a very negative person. I absorb negativity. If there is any "bad" news, I take it, and it becomes a part of me. I cannot help it. Can't clean this slate, and can't be happy knowing what I know. Or do I really know anything?

I believe that the essence of what happiness is, is ignorance. The more I ponder it the more that it becomes valid. I have studied the personalities for years of my life. I can understand why people act the way they are and do the things they do. It became apparent to me that it is ... hmm, I guess a fact that people gravitate towards others that joke a lot, others that are entertaining, I mean even doctors will say that just the act of smiling boosts chemicals in the brain that increase happiness. But how can I smile in this world? I find nothing funny.

I don't perceive anything as "reality". This is why I hate life. It just isn't real or true to me. This is not who I really am. These aren't the thoughts I would truly think. I don't believe that I am in control of my own thoughts. I hate this miserable existence.

[Snowy83]

Hmmm I don't really know what to say to make you feel better, I kind of understand what you are saying especially people like to hang out with funny/happy/humor people than miserable ones, so I don't usually revealed my depressed side to people, or unload my negative energy to them.

When I was very low previously, no matter what others said to me or advice they gave me, it just didn't stay in my brain, still sitting my butt in the darkness, keep thinking the negative thoughts. Somehow I remember I read a post somewhere that said "no one can help you but yourself", it is true....so since then, I keep self talking to myself, any ways to take myself out of this darkness. And I feel better now, not good but ok, better than before...so I hope you can somehow find the courage and energy to start self talking to yourself to bring yourself out of this misery, if not fully out of it, partially out also good.

[Puffyprue]

i dont have much to say , but just wanted to let you know i read this and i understand

hugs

[doggiedo]

Hugs CgRgSm. You have some very intense things you are thinking. Do you have anyone that you can talk these over with? You sound like you are a very smart person. Maybe you might benefit from someone playing devil's advocate??

Snowy83 - you were in a similar place? How did you get out of it, if you don't mind me asking.

[Snowy83]

doggiedo - as I said, just self talking, find the roots of the problems, then find ways to think on the positive side, once you can focus on the positive, you can let it go little by little each day, it is not easy....and it takes times....but more importantly, after I joined PC, I really feel warm here and less lonely as I'm not the only one feeling this way. And not completely get out of it, just better, hope it keeps this way

[girlwithbrownhair]

Wow. You're working? Under stress?? Depressed?? Give this person some applause!! Hell, that's more than many NON depressd people can do!

I have been there (and am sort of going through the same thing again) and this is my take on it: depression runs in cycles, and you're in a cycle. Doesn't mean it will stay that way.

Do yourself a big favor and stop giving emotions so much control. You aren't what you feel...none of us are.

The best advice I can give to you right now is to end each day on a single good note. The worst depression I ever had, I would do that. Slept all day...but I'd get up and grab a shower. Didn't want to eat, but ended the day eating something (anything). I went for walks when I didn't want to, then go to sleep. No, I didn't really enjoy the walk but I knew there was a part of my body that needed it anyway. Evvery night, I tried to do just one small thing good for myself at the end of every day before I went to bed. Just one thing. And incredibly, it helped. I mean at least as much as any med did, which is saying a lot, actually.

So try that. And hang in there. Look, I've been there, and trust me...things will get better, okay?? No, you don't know me, but that's okay too. One day at a time.

[CgRgSm]

Thanks for the replies. I don't expect anyone to know what to tell me, or to be able to help me. I think I am beyond help at this point. So I guess my post is just one of those "vent for myself out loud" things. I appreciate the suggestions.

Snowy83 - I realize there are many people that are like me, in that they have the same personality. And they do what you and I do, hide the negatives in order to prevent a possibility of being displeasing to others. I'm sorry but I disagree with the "no one can help you but yourself" saying. I believe people need to be around certain other people in order to function properly and not be depressed. I know what my problem is. I just cannot fix it myself.

I have no motivation to do anything. Sometimes I will sit alone in my room for hours thinking about what I could do, but I never know what I should be doing.

puffyprue - Thanks for listening.

doggiedo - I have been a loner all my life, so I have no friends. But I have told my brother about some of it. I don't know that it helped, or would help any to talk to other people about it. I see no point to anything.

girlwithbrownhair - I don't know if I would exactly call it "working", but technically, yes. Most days I'm just sitting at a desk staring into space for 8 hours, honestly. I only got the job because my brother worked there, I could have never gotten anything on my own.

I do feel the "cycles" as you call them, which to me, prove even further that I really am not thinking for myself. I am always being controlled by something else and I hate it.

I'm sorry but I do not believe in "good" or "bad". Sometimes I find myself having to use those words, such as in my original post, but when I use them I am trying to describe what most other people would probably think of when they hear those words. I only see things as they are. For example, in my mind there is no such thing as crime or punishment; only people doing things to other people.

So I'm not exactly sure what would be a "good note" to end a day on... I realize that what you probably mean is something that is healthy for my body. To that I say I am so unmotivated...just can't get myself to do anything.

I realize then that all this just leads back into this endless circle, and I have posted similar messages before. I'm not trying to say I am "right" about anything, or to "shoo" away anyone... I do appreciate your posts. I just hate that the way everything is, and I don't see any way to change it.

[Snowy83]

I'm sorry but I disagree with the "no one can help you but yourself" saying. I believe people need to be around certain other people in order to function properly and not be depressed

Sorry to cause you misunderstanding, my meaning is there are only so many advices people can give you, but ultimately it is depended on you to think things through and help yourself. Like your case now. Hope you feel better soon, all I can say is I feel for you.