[Vossie42]

I feel poorly now and have felt poorly for many years. The last time I had any hope was in 2004. I have no idea why I'm still alive and wish I weren't. I've had a bit to deal with this year (getting laid off, getting a new job, doing poorly at the new job, severe illness and resulting death of father, quitting job before they fired me for poor work performance), but not as much as others here. I've been suicidally depressed since I was 12 and I'm 44 now. I've been in and out of therapy, on meds of all kinds, even been to the hospital a few times. I'm still such a failure at life. I'm angry about being so depressed and causing my depression with my negative thoughts. I can't do anything well. I can't seem to focus on the positive. I really have nothing to be so depressed about. My finances are good. I have my health though I'm in enough physical pain daily activities are painful. No exercise for me. I'm so jealous of my brother for having a good life. He's never been depressed. He's happily married with three kids, one of whom is currently attending an Ivy league school. He's never faced difficulty like I have. He has self-confidence and self-esteem. I have none, especially after my last job. I have never done so poorly in my life. When the going gets tough, I fall apart. I hate that.

[Vossie42]

Just a vent. I don't expect a response. Don't have any friends anyway. It's so hard to make friends as an adult. People are so settled in their routines that they don't want to change.

[Miswimmy1]

why did you decide not to stay in t?

[Vossie42]

My last therapist was a psychoanalyst. After 2.5 years, I felt much worse than when I started. Since then I've had an "allergy" to therapists. I know what's wrong with my life, I just can't convince myself that I want to live at all.

[LiveThroughThis]

Vossie I hope you don't mind if I offer some feedback. I have had the "therapy allergy" myself, and it's a tough one to break. I thought I'd seen all there was to see out of therapists, until I met my current one. She is flexible (both w/appts and w/what we discuss each day), funny, sarcastic, and I get to set the tone/boundaries for what we go into, how far, etc.

I find it so disheartening that sh*tty therapists/P-docs/etc. can make so many of us feel like that's the only kind of psych professionals out there---that there aren't professionals highly capable, helpful, and replete with bedside manners. My therapist doesn't push me in areas where i don't want to go, yet she challenges me. I wish so much other people could/can find one like mine.

I have struggled with all you've experienced, in terms of the depression---I have looked at others' lives and envied how well they copied w/things, how they could hold down a steady job, be around crowds, drive anywhere without fear, etc. Coming here to this forum I've been able to let go of some of that....I feel such comfort in knowing I'm not alone. That's always been a biggie for me, as I've felt alone/only-one-in-family-with-issues since I was a child. It's a horrible place to be in, particularly when I had no idea that there were many people who feel the exact same.

I'm not going to tell you chin up, it'll all get better, etc., because I am not you and I think it's presumptuous to tell others how things will or will not turn out in their lives (it's how I feel when others do that to me)...not trying to be negative or debbiedowner, honest.

Anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone, and we're all here if you need to talk.....I can't speak for anyone else but I can always use a new friend,

[TerryL]

Vossie--why did you have hope in 2004? as for losing your father..the death of one's parent is very traumatic...have you been able to process your grief somehow?

[Vossie42]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Vossie--why did you have hope in 2004? as for losing your father..the death of one's parent is very traumatic...have you been able to process your grief somehow?

I was peacefully single, doing well at work. I was in great shape physically. I could do anything I wanted: bike, swim for hours. I had decided to go back to school to for a more useful degree (accounting) and get a better job. My parrot was becoming sociable with me again. She was a really hormonal female that wanted to nest all the time. She was hostile toward me for several years. She was my everything. I had also made the decision to rehome my male parrot as both birds hated the other's guts and they were becoming neurotic over the stress. I felt that it was possible to improve my mental health and my life overall.

Then 4 hurricanes came through the area of Florida in which I live. Specifically, the tornados from Hurricane Charlie flattened Punta Gorda where my grandmother lived in a nursing home. Everyone in my family did not want me to retrieve her from the nursing home. There was no electricity or water. it was over 100 degrees. My family said to let the authorities handle the situation. Well, long story short, she died several weeks later. I boarded my birds so that I could go to the funeral in another state. They got sick at the boarding place. Three weeks later, the female parrot, the one that was my everything and that I was going to keep, died. The male is sick with the same disease that killed her. I could no longer rehome him.

Then I was in a car accident that set off a series of physical problems from I am still sufering today, including a botched surgery to fix one of the problems.

Also, a man came back into my life that I had kicked out several months before. I took him back and then he said that he didn't want to marry me because I "just wasn't it".

Obviously I still haven't recovered from all the events of 2004. I've been depressed all my life and was at the end of my rope in 2004. I'm still at the end of my rope. I'm so frightened that I will feel like this for the rest of my life. My life feels like a waste. I'm certainly not enjoying it.

[TerryL]

oh yes I remember about your parrot. It's so hard as pet owners because they are totally dependent on us and if something goes wrong we beat ourselves up about it. I don't have a lot of close friends or family so my pets are also everything to me. I can't remember if I've told you this before but when one of my bunnies stopped eating I took her to this vet and I didn't know he didn't really know what he was doing and he told me to forcefeed her. He didn't give me a lot of instructions on how to do it. It was so stressful. I later found out his forcefeeding schedule was way too aggressive and dangerous. She died in my arms during it. I was absolutely devastated and felt so guilty for years and it affected my life terribly. I finally talked with a pet loss counselor and that helped me so much. Do you think that might help you?

As for your physical problems, I'm not sure what is wrong but have you considered acupuncture?

and as for that man..maybe not being together is a blessing in disguise. You did say you kicked him out before...you must have had good reason. That just leaves your heart open for when the right person does come along, one who will return your affections. My mother remarried at 76 so it's never too late.

I can empathize with your worry about never feeling any better. I looked back at some of my journaling today and it was filled with nothing but despair. But I have finally made some progress. I never thought that would happen. Of course our circumstances are different but you never know when life might give you the opportunity to make those small steps forward. So please don't give up Vossie.

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by TerryL

oh yes I remember about your parrot. It's so hard as pet owners because they are totally dependent on us and if something goes wrong we beat ourselves up about it. I don't have a lot of close friends or family so my pets are also everything to me. I can't remember if I've told you this before but when one of my bunnies stopped eating I took her to this vet and I didn't know he didn't really know what he was doing and he told me to forcefeed her. He didn't give me a lot of instructions on how to do it. It was so stressful. I later found out his forcefeeding schedule was way too aggressive and dangerous. She died in my arms during it. I was absolutely devastated and felt so guilty for years and it affected my life terribly. I finally talked with a pet loss counselor and that helped me so much. Do you think that might help you?

Thank you for this. My bf and I have lost 5 animals over the last yr and a half (two were sudden deaths), and I think I am still grieving some of them. I might check out a pet loss counselor. Good idea!

[Vossie42]

Thanks, Terry. Once my insurance is reinstated, I will work with a pet loss counselor. Other counselors do not take the loss of a companion animal seriously.

[TerryL]

Vossie--I was able to google some free pet loss counseling sites. Here is also a good resource site-

http://aplb.org/index.php

[TerryL]

I forgot to add that when researching on counselors, you might want to look for one who cares about birds. I chose mine because she became a counselor because of the loss of her bunny.