[shinkikker]

Hi guys. A bit of background: I used to be on this forum a few years ago when my depression was at its peak and I had really strong suicidal ideation, then I was hospitalized and got on a good combo of meds and felt sort of better for a while. I graduated from high school shortly after my hospitalization and went to college where I started cutting, which I have now stopped.

Compared to the time I was on this forum last, I am doing a lot better, but I feel myself slipping again, not into suicidal ideation quite yet but into that hopeless sort of state and not feeling like my life could possibly end up... nicely.

I get to go home for fall break next week and when I get home, we have to take my first kitty, Sunny, to the vet to be euthanized. Tonight I had a total breakdown/multiple panic attacks after waking up from a horrific nightmare about her imminent death. Right now, I just feel numb. I sat in the shower for about two hours and cried hysterically, fighting off the urge to self-harm.

I can't stop thinking about how eventually, I am going to have to go through the deaths of everyone I have ever loved, all the people closest to me, that includes my pets. I have these scenarios in my head where I'm like, "if that ever happened to me I think I would just kill myself", for example, my mom or my little brother dying. It really upsets me and at the same time, it's inevitable.

I'm just having a lot of trouble coping, and while I'm not concerned I will hurt myself to the point of death (yet), I feel like I'm losing myself and drifting into that place that I used to be in. I'd really like some insight on coping strategies and how to keep myself from that dark place.

[ndgirl]

Depression causes us to really look at the negative parts of our lives. I had those fears like forever and told myself and therapist that I would be dead once they were all gone if I survived. Fast forward and everyone is gone (mom, dad, animal friends) and I am still here. The best advise I can give is to just remember the good times with Sunny and that you are doing what's right (Sunny is too important to let suffer). With everyone else in your life, try to enjoy each and everyday with them. I had to make the dicision to pull the plug on both my parents (only child) and I just remembered how much I loved them and the last thing I wanted them to do was suffer. I did a lot of crying but told myself that I needed to continue making them proud and be the person they raised. I have 2 really close friends and they have gone through it all with me and still do. Good luck as I know you will be strong.

[Leed]

When it does happen, you will be surprised at the strength that you will have to get thru it. God gives you that strength and walks with you thru it. And you DO make it thru -- you often wonder how, but you do make it. And you're stronger for it too. You have wonderful memories too -- just make sure that you spend as much time with them as you can so you don't regret not having memories.

Just don't dwell on it. Life is too short to be thinking of death. Just enjoy your family while you have them. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[shinkikker]

Thanks for the kind words, Leed and ndgirl. I really do not like having this countdown to the day Sunny dies. It's such a crappy thing to have to look forward to at the end of this week. I honestly do not know how I'm going to cope with her death. I have opted to be with her when they euthanize her which my mom adamantly claims is a mistake on my part, because she thinks it will make me even more upset than I would be just knowing she is gone. But Sunny is my friend, she's always been there for me since I was in first grade, so the least I can do is be there for her when she needs someone the most.

I was talking to my boyfriend and said that I am pretty sure I will have a panic attack/depressive episode after she dies. He said that I am setting myself up for failure if I think that way. I guess that's true, but I don't know how else I am supposed to set myself up. I don't know how else I CAN set myself up; one of my lifelong friends is dying. What good can possibly come of this? I have a seven year old little brother and this will be one of his first experiences with death and I remember when my cat, Church, died when I was in third grade, one year older than him. It literally changed me for the rest of my life. Knowing that he is going to have to go through something similar makes me very upset too. I don't know how to be strong for him, I don't know if I can.

I know it might seem like I am overreacting because Sunny is "just a cat" but to me, she is more than a cat. She is one of my best friends. She has loved me unconditionally and I have done the same for her. That's more than most humans can love, and now she's dying. I don't know what to do.

[shinkikker]

I feel a little better about my cat today. My aunt is a vet tech and I talked to her all about the process and what exactly will happen. I also talked to my therapist yesterday about what I love about my cat, and honoring her by incorporating those traits into my life. At the same time, I still feel really depressed lately, mostly about the overwhelming sense of hopelessness in the battle against evil in the world. There are always going to be horrible things happening, and I am going to have to go through a lot of horrible things throughout my life. I don't know how to cope with that. It seems like so much : (

My therapist screened me for PTSD yesterday as well, but I don't have any results yet. She's a doctorate student in practicum so she can't really give any diagnoses. I do think I have PTSD, and a lot of my current mental health issues stem from my "traumatic stress" event.

I feel so exhausted lately... mentally exhausted, which makes me physically exhausted. Just want to go to sleep for a few months.