out sick from work again because of depression

I couldn't get myself out of the house this morning. I usually feel better later in the day, but because I work two hours away from home, I can't just go in late. On top of that, there was a mandate that working from home has to be approved ahead of time and for special reasons. I emailed my manager to ask to talk about giving me an accomodation due to my chronic condition, but of course I am afraid of this
My manager at work seems understanding, but I can't help but feel like they look down on me for taking time off when I can't handle my commute. On top of this, my daughter's mental health issues triggered a lot in me.

I am sick of feeling guilty. I have to take part of today unpaid, which is tough because I am the only one working. It is not like work is going to guarantee they will take care of me. I am not doing well and it is worse because I can't just work from home when I start feeling better.

I am tired of posting here, but have no one else to talk to anymore. I am a manager, so this will all go badly for my upcoming review and others in my office probably think I am a baby. But I think having suicidal ideation thinking about getting to work is sufficiently more than just being lazy. I can't stop the thoughts unless I distract myself without stress - no 2 hour commute and social pressure at work.

Maybe I should stop pretending I can do any work and tell my wife that she is better off taking the kids and live with her parents while I just ruin my life and quit work. But I can't handle that either. I need some accomodarion, but they can claim it is unreasonable at work.

It would be great if they would accomodate you to work at home! If you could get your doctor to write a note saying you had to work from home, this would help you keep your job, and it might apply under the Americans with Disabilities Act. I'm not sure, but it's possible. Then you wouldn't be fired, etc. But you would HAVE to have a doctors' note.

See what you can do with the doctor. I would think that he'd write the not, but you'd better hurry up before they DO fire you.

I hope things work out. I wish you the very best. My prayers are with you. God bless and please take care -- would you please keep us updated? I'd appreciate it. Hugs, Lee

I am in the same boat as you. I can relate. Unfortunately, I don't have any real solutions...like you, I want to hand over my personal responsibilities to others and just throw in the towel. It's an idea, an option. But not actually doable.

It's exhausting trying to NOT be depressed when there is every reason TO BE depressed.

(I know you are feeling super awful, too...maybe for a little smile)

This is how I feel as well. I recently cut my own hours just so I wouldn't have to be there as long. I have enough to pay my bills, but that's about it. I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't have any advice for you other than Leed's suggestion, but just know that you aren't alone!

Sounds like it is time to update your resumé and look for something closer to home. A 2 hour commute sounds expensive, so even if you made less money you could still come out ahead.

And ACT - there is a long waiting list - has jobs you can do from home, anywhere you can get on the Internets. I am trying to get some work with them.

Holy! I can totally relate to this. I lost my job of 4 years in May due to errors in production (had so much on my mind i couldnt concentrate).....which really sent a blow to anything positive i was holding onto.

In july i got another job but the newness of it all was so overwhelming i literally couldn't contain myself and cried every day at work. Eventually i ended up calling out a lot because i couldnt face myself and ended up getting fired. Ive left my house a total of 4 times since the beginning of september and am back on unemployment. I hate it. I keep trying to will myself back into life but its a real *****....and i wish i had someone close to me that completely understood.

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Reach deep inside, find the person you know you can be, and reach a little deeper and find the strength to become them. Let the stress flow over your head and out of your way.

I have been off work for about 4/5 weeks now. I did go back for 3 5 hour shifts the other weekend but the stress set my moods and anxiety off worse.

I know I should be thinking of going back but I need one more week while therapy gets set up. I just get so anxious and severely fed up when I think of work o.o

Its annoying because I used to love it. But sick lines are important so as said above; maybe consider getting one?

With mental health, the key to getting better is not to "rest", it is to do. Be active.

I can really relate to your post. Sometimes, I do OK at work. At other times, the stress feels unbearable, and it seems like my job sucks the life right out of me. Today was my day off, and I spent too much of it dreading going into work tomorrow. I don't have any brilliant solutions... but, yeah, I've been there.

I have often missed work due to depression and/or anxiety. Even when I could make it into work, I often "zoned out" alot due to depression, anxiety, or social phobia, and didn't work very well-which is why I can't hold onto a job for very long.

AK, are you in the US? You can get paid medical leave through the ADA. I was in a hideous episode in June, and morning were the worst for me both emotionally and physically. and my psychiatrist approved a reduced work schedule for me. 5 hour days instead of 8, and I came in everyday at noon. It really made a difference, and since I was proactive in reporting my illness to HR, they can't fire me for missing work because my condition is documented. Btw, I went back on full-time at the beginning of Sept. and I have been handling it OK except for a few bumps in the road. Take care of yourself.

What responses . Thanks all. I left this and didn't come back and now read everything and feel better.

Paid FMLA isn't an option for me. I had to use all my paid time for my own illnesses or my daughter's mental health issues (she was hospitalized a couple times).

I am starting to feel better, but that's mostly because I forced myself to think as differently as I can. I try to re-think reactions from others so I don't just assume they're mad at me. I do allow myself breaks when I'm overwhelmed. It's not perfect, but I can show up at least.

While here, I do find it hard to get through the day because I can't concentrate on the big projects so well and I really hate talking to other people. I keep doing that impossible to do - opposite to emotion action where I just talk to people anyway. It's so draining.

For everyone, hang in there. It's so hard and even though activity is good for depression, it's not easy. That's the simple answer and not the real one. I'm also still afraid to ask to work from home during my episodes. I could get my doctor to write something, but the politics at work could cause issues.

Re-thinking is part of healing yourself. It's most of what me and my therapist work on. For many people, depression is a state of mind and it has to be slowly transformed into what we want our mind to be.

I agree that it is very draining. Some people suggest medication to help with this problem. They say it makes it easier to "maintain" and gives you back that energy you're spending on just staying afloat.

I'm on so much medication to keep me afloat that it's ridiculous.

Well, my daughter is going back to horrible situation again. She wants to hurt herself at 12 years old and can't stop thinking about suicide. She wants help, but now I'm stuck at work, unable to be there for her and with no more time off, I have to pretend it's not a problem and still perform. I hate this. Things were starting to look up for her.

What kills me is that I have no time paid and my wife and I are so stretched financially that if I lose my paycheck, we would lose everything. It makes dealing with people at work much harder.

**trigger mark for topic(s)**

Today at work has not been a good day for me. At all. I was so frustrated (depressed...si) wanted to just chuck it all. I get so upset in certain instances I immediately feel SI and start thinking "what's the point?"

In older times (meaning 8 weeks ago), I may very well have left work but I was actually able to stay. I was miserable but I did stay. While contemplating next steps sitting in my office

I actually burst into tears while speaking with a co-worker. Thankfully, she is the sweetest person ever and was very empathetic and gave me a hug.

It is a pattern, too. I recognize it now so clearly (which is progress and probably c-ptsd and/or emotional abuse or sexual assault related. IDK):

Being treated like a child/patronized or spoken down to by a person "in power" (in this case the CFO).

I immediately feel weak and helpless and confused and totally incapable of getting through to make any kind of change. And similar to my father, he is acting like a sadist (saying "no" simply for the thrill of it). Passive/aggressive bs. Which "no" for a man to say to me (for no reason other than to be an ***** amounts to me falling apart all over again).

(I posted this on another thread ...sorry for being repetitive)

AND it's so humiliating when I want desperately to resolve things...that I have to go to other MEN to help me with a MAN that is being abusive toward me.

Instead of my words simply being enough. They can say "no" and protest (for no reason or a dumb reason) until the cows come home, yet I said "no" and my life changed forever.

I have been there. A few weeks ago I hit a real rough patch and couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I missed one weekend of work, and now I don't have a job...I am depressed even worse from it now. But first and foremost....I think people need to realize...you can never fully be a beneficial employee if you are always feeling miserable...and sometimes these changes are needed. If you can afford to do so, cut back your hours...see if your boss will allow for you to do this so you can work on your mental health....see if you qualify for partial unemployment (which you can get while working part time)....In doing this, see if you can take the time your body is telling you that you need, and get better. I hope this helps you some...

Well I'm at that crossroad again. So frustrating, but it's true, I won't be effective at work and could say or do things that could be worse if I go. I haven't decided yet for today, but my older daughter at 12 is having a hard time again with her depression. I'm tearing up at work and now at home. I can get paid for today, but again I will have to try to go without taking a day for 4 weeks to earn the time again.

I'm frustrated that I can't earn paid time off at a rate when these episodes hit, but I can't keep going to work pretending. I have someone who works for me and I'm ready to yell at her for no reason.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I guess writing here isn't about asking for a pure solution, but just hearing that others feel and have experienced this really helps because I feel so lonely at work. I feel like in the US you're expected to be a workaholic if you want to be thought of as doing your job and if you try to just do your job, you're considered lazy. I'm just sick and because I'm sick, it may be best to not be around others.

I stayed home today. As guilty as I feel, I think I did myself a favor. It is OK to take care of myself.

I wish I had some good suggestions for you because I used to go through that too. If you end up using sick leave for time off though I really don't think you should feel guilty about that. Depression is an illness after all.