Endless cycle

I really thought my weekend was going to be good. Yesterday, I had a great night at my boyfriend's house. I just got news that I was offered the job I interviewed for on Tuesday, so we celebrated with a bit of beer and my favorite meal: crabcakes. It was a pretty good night.

Anyway, I stayed up pretty late because there was a good movie on. I had a lot I was going to do today. I was going to go to this event at a place where I volunteer, and I had been really looking forward to it. I was supposed to go to lunch with my boyfriend and his friends at some Indian restaurant. Then, I was supposed to go to this event at my school that was supposed to be really fun.

Instead, I had a horrible dream about my cat, Sunny, who we had to put to sleep last week. I had a dream that I had to put her asleep, and I had the needle and had to inject her with it and it wouldn't work. She wouldn't die, and she was afraid of me because I was trying to kill her. I woke up feeling very depressed and didn't want to face the day, so I didn't.

I skipped the event at the place I volunteered. I didn't go to lunch with my boyfriend and his friends. He got back to my apartment after he went to lunch and waited for me to wake up but I wouldn't get up. It really pisses him off when I sleep the day away. He started yelling at me as I laid there in a depressed stupor in bed. He was saying that we never did anything that he wanted to do, and that I was selfish and all I ever do is sleep and he's tired of it. Before I knew it, he had his things packed and was out the door and all he said was "Bye."

This was seriously the last thing I needed. He just does not even begin to understand depression or mental illness at all, and when I talk about it all he can say is "I wish you weren't depressed." It's never "It will be okay" or "You will get through this." He says that he wishes I wasn't depressed, and I think it's because he doesn't feel like dealing with it. I'm so tired of bringing other people down, and trying to solve everyone else's problems when no one gives a **** about mine. I'm already in a hole, and it seems like everyone around me just keeps throwing dirt on top of me. It's difficult enough to handle my depression with support, but without it it's impossible and I feel like I am just losing everyone : ( I don't have any friends and only a few people actually care, and it's all falling apart.

i am so sorry about your cat. i had nightmares and flashbacks for weeks after we had to put my dog down due to old age. it was horrible, so i really feel for you.

congrats on getting that job! that is a great accomplishment, give yourself a pat on the back for that.

as for your boyfriend, it can be incrediblhy hard for a non depressed person to understand what we go through on a daily basis. some people are willing to educate themselves and put some effort into understanding, and for other's it's just too much. and it can take time. my depression and si have definitely taken a toll on our marriage, but luckily my husvand is one of the committed people who are willing to try and understand.

i don't know your boyfriend, so i can't say wha't s going on in his head.

i don't know if this heps any, but i grew up with a depressed mother, and when i waas a teenager, it simply annoyed me. when i was about 16 we went on vacation to ibiza, spain, just her and i, and she spent most of those three weeks in bed in the hotel room. it pissed me off to no end. i didn't know what to do, how to deal with it, how to make it better. so i got angry. i felt helpless. i felt i had no control over it. maybe that's true for your boyfriend too.

i'm sorry if this was just a bunch of stupid rambling, i'm not in a good place right now.

I just had a breakdown and I am panicking. I don't want to kill myself but I want to die, I don't want to go on. I'm so emotionally exhausted, I haven't been to class in over a week and I have no friends to turn to. I just want to give up. I would go to the hospital but I went in 2011 and it would cost my family a lot of money...

is there anyone you could call to come sit with you for a while? or could you call a crisis hotline or something like that? do you have a t you could call?

if you need to be in a safe place/hospital, then that's where you need to be. i know what' it's like, i haven't been able to pay any of my 6 hospital bills from this year, most of them are in collection now. oh well. that's where i needed to be.

i feel like a huge hypocrite saying that. i'm' right ther4e with you. i want to die, and really should be in the hospital, but it's really not an option, for other reasons than finances.

Do you have a T?
I understand what you mean about wanting to stay I'm bed all day. I also isolate myself when I am depressed. I have spend many weekends in bed and isolated myself away from family and friends. One of my coping skills is listening to music and a lay in bed an listen to music. Lately though instead of laying in bed listening to music I have been trying so hard to make myself get up and be active. It is really hard but if you identify with some coping skills and try to use them, sometimes it helps. I have had them for a while but never really tried to use them.
The hospital is a great way to get your meds stabilized and stay safe. You can also learn coping skills there. Some places also offer partial hospitalization programs that do the same thing.
Remember tomorrow is a brand new day . Try to do something you like tomorrow. Maybe that will help a bit.

Sorry sweetsurrender I didn't see your first reply. Yeah, I do have a therapist but I don't see her until Tuesday and that is too far away with me feeling this way I don't have any coping skills. I don't think anyone thinks my situation is serious enough to merit a hospital visit...

I know how you feel! You are not alone