[OliversTwisted94]

For five years, I have been dealing with serious issues, which I have been told is major depression and PTSD. But I don't really know if that is accurate. The reasons I say this are as follows:
1.) Hallucinations- I have been dealing with vivid hallucinations, both auditory and visual. The auditory hallucinations for me are hearing voices, and it's very disturbing. I've explained them to my p doc before, but I was very vague because I'm so embarrassed. You see, I told my doc that I heard voices that insulted me and called me names. That's true, but when she asked me what they were calling me, I couldn't bring myself to repeat the insults because I felt them to be too vulgar/crass. The voices have also told me to hurt myself/others, and during one of my psychiatric hospitalizations, I told the nurses/doctors there; but they really didn't do anything except make sure I wouldn't act on them.
2.) This leads into my second point. I don't think anybody believes me when I talk about the voices, and I don't think they understand that while I can smile and laugh and enjoy myself sometimes, that I have this constant, CONSTANT horrible feeling of self-hatred, suicidal thoughts and incredible pain. I'm also pretty sure that they just want me to go away and try to medicate me just to shut me up. I KNOW for sure that a lot of people dislike me, and as soon as I leave the room, they start talking bad about me and even try to find ways to embarrass me (i.e.- starting rumors).
3.) I feel an almost constant desire to die and/or kill myself- EVEN if I seem to be in a "good place". I also feel like I always want to hurt my self otherwise; for example, I cut and burn myself and I used to pop pills. And I always find myself thinking things like "Oh, I should hide that little pocket knife for later", or "I should steal those benzos when no one is looking", even when I am in that "good place" or have no real intent or drive to immediately hurt myself. It's just ALWAYS there. The feeling of wanting to do something bad like that is always there.
4.) I always feel torn; I want SO badly to be alone and have some peace and quiet, but I am also afraid of being afraid for too long, because I don't know what will happen. I sometimes get scared for no reason at all.
5.) I have really strange thoughts and feelings. I think about strange things- for example, I think about cutting myself or getting in a fight with someone- and when I do I have strange feelings, like joy and fear at the same time.
6.) I have these times where I will space out; I feel out of my body, but like I can still see and control what I do and say. My therapist tells me it's called dissociating. But then I have these other times, when it's different from dissociating, where I lose all track of time and kind of blackout; only to "reemerge" later on and have done things I didn't know about, sometimes dangerous things like cutting. One time I even lit up a cigarette and apparently smoked it, and dropped hot ashes on the floor. When I came to, I noticed the burn marks on the carpet; and quite frankly, I'm lucky I didn't start a house-fire!
7.) I do EVERYTHING in stages; I'll watch a movie over and over again, to the point where I can recite the lines-until I suddenly lose interest and can no longer follow the plot and script. Then, it's on to a new movie. Same goes for TV. I also go through these phases where all of a sudden I will want to draw/paint all the time; then, when I lose the aptitude for drawing, I'll do the same thing with reading; then writing. This gets in my way when it comes to school, because I will go through these intervals of doing boatloads of homework and getting great grades, only to suddenly lose all comprehension of what I am looking at/learning about. It's like all the info is lost!
8.) I get these horrible mood swings; not "depressed" to "manic" like you might see in bipolar patients. I stay in the "negative emotions" realm, and sway from depressed to angry/irritable, to weepy and suicidal. It's a roller coaster, but it never goes all the way up to the top (the top being really happy; or if it does reach the top, it's really short-lived.)
9.) Crazy-inconsistent sleep- mostly insomnia, nightmares, night terrors, and sleep walking/talking.
Other little tid-bits that add to the mix are confusion/disorientation, loss of appetite, memory loss/forgetfulness, feeling hollow and completely overwhelmed by emotion at the same time, apathy, and sometimes just flat-out LOST. Anybody else have similar symptoms??? What have you been diagnosed as??? Any advice on what could really be going on??? I have my doubts about the whole depression diagnosis.

[Leed]

Hi dear WiltedRose -- this is definitely NOT depression!! I have NO idea what it could be, but it's certiainly not depression. Whoever told you that surely wasn't listening to you.

Do you have a therapist now? If you don't, you NEED one. You need someone to listen to you! Try to find a good therapist that will listen. Your medical doctor can refer you to a good therapist. Then go, and tell the therapist just what you told us -- in fact, print this out so you can show it to him/her. It will be a good start for the therapist to be able to read what you told us. Seeing all the symptoms on paper will really help!

PLEASE -- let us know what the therapist says, will you? I'd be curious to know what the therapist says the diagnosis is. Please take care of yourself in the meantime. And keep posting until you go to see him. God bless and good luck at your appointment. Hugs, Lee

[OliversTwisted94]

@ Leed:
Yeah, I have a therapist and pdoc... I think part of my problem is that my pdoc is, like, 200 years old, and there is this big generational gap. I mean, shes nice enough, but we don't understand each so well..... I know she tries, but I don't think she can really understand what I mean because I get so shy and reserved when it comes to talking about these things. Again, I think that is in part because we don't communicate so well, so I don't feel comfortable with her.
As for my therapist, well...... she is so awesome. I do in-home therapy, and that makes it easier to open up; however, I am on state insurance, and the state won't allow her to come to my pdoc appointments anymore (she used to be able to come with and explain the things I said, using the information I gave her in our sessions). The other thing is, my therapist isn't licensed yet. I mean, she's legit, but she can't diagnose or make any suggestions.
As for the former, I am pretty sure you're right in saying that depression was a misdiagnosis. Then again, I have been in the psych ward nine times in the past two years, and each time I leave, the diagnosis changes a little. During my second hospitalization, I explained the hallucinations, and I was told that I had "Major Depression with a Severe Dopamine Imbalance." I've also been given the diagnosis of OCD, PTSD, ADD (which is one of the only accurate ones, I think), Bipolar Disorder, EDNOS.... the list could go on forever. That is why I am looking forward to my possible admittance into a day-treatment program. I think that, in working with me every day, and in having regular med checks (I think they said I would be seen by a new pdoc once a week or so), they will be able to "crack my protective shell", so to speak, and be able to accurately piece together the info I give them. That is one of the major flaws of the hospital- you stay for a week and then have to go home and relay all the info to your pdoc and therapist, even if they get the information from the hospital (because they have to confirm it and *****).

[Leed]

Seems to me there are too many people involved in your treatment, and everyone has a different idea as to your diagnosis! Then everything gets screwed up, and you end up with NO diagnosis or else it's wrong!

What happened to the old days when there was just ONE therapist involved with treating you, and that was that!!! It sure was simpler that way, and your diagnosis was generally correct! Why do they have to have so many involved in treating you? Sheeesh!

Anyway --- I hope they get it right soon, cause I really don't think Depression is correct. While you could have some depression, it's NOT the primary illness here!!! Something else is the major problem! And I pray they get it right soon so you're treated properly. Right now you're miserable, there's no doubt about that!

Keep me posted, will you? I want to know what they come up with for you. Take care sweetie, and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[OliversTwisted94]

Well, the results are in. I gave a total and complete list of symptoms to my therapist to look over, and she came to these conclusions:
Major Depression with Psychotic Features
Generalized Anxiety Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder
-In addition, my psychiatrist is also treating me for ADD and PTSD
I am actually working getting in to see a neuropsychologist. Hey, if everyone and his brother is going to put his two cents in, I may as well get a COMPLETE, total diagnosis from a technical viewpoint, right??? Just cover all the bases
I am also going to be switching over to EMDR therapy soon- within the next month or so.

[shinkikker]

I'm glad you got a second opinion on your diagnosis, wiltedrose2394! Your description definitely didn't seem like depression alone. I think BPD and psychotic depression sound a lot more like what you described.

How exactly did you give your therapist the list? What I mean is, I think I am either misdiagnosed or missing additional diagnoses. I feel awkward bringing that up with my therapist because I always get the impression that they think they would have noticed any missing/misdiagnoses when I started therapy, not years later. Did you just give her a list or did you say you think you are misdiagnosed and you'd like her opinion?

[OliversTwisted94]

Well, pretty much. I wrote down my symptoms as they happened. I just observed my symptoms in a two-week span as they occurred, and wrote it down (sort of like a dietician would if they wanted to observe if you perhaps have a food allergy, or the reason why your cholesterol is high, etc.)
For example, I wrote down my hallucinations as they happened. If the voices are really prevalent I write down the details. If you can, write down a few specific, recurring details. I'm not exactly sure of all the things you're dealing with; if it's a problem with your mood, write down moods that keep recurring and how they are causing you problems. If it's a different issue, write down a list of what it is, give a general description of it, and give them information on how it's negatively impacting your life. Those are the kinds of things that they would be looking at.
Also, if there are specific reasons as to why this information didn't come about earlier- for instance, if you were to embarrassed to share that when you started, if the problem wasn't that bad when you started therapy but now it's a problem, or if the issue only appeared after you'd been in therapy a while- try to explain this (either at the start of the list, at the end of the list, or out loud- whichever you feel more comfortable doing.
Then, when you feel you have a complete list, you can either hand it to your therapist and tell her/him something like "I think these are important details, and may affect my diagnosis." or "These are some things that have been bothering me, and I don't think that my diagnosis is accurate."- just something that you feel comfortable saying that you think is going to be understood. If you have a really good relationship with your therapist, you can just hand her/him the list and ask them to read it and see if it changes your diagnosis. It all depends on what the additional symptoms/details are and what you're more comfortable doing. If you can remember the info without a list, then you can present it orally. If you would rather write out a list and then present it orally, then that might work as well.

(p.s.- What I did was, when my therapist contacted me to check in on me, I told her that I had something to share with her during the next session. I gave her a really long list, and I explained what the list was in the introduction.)

Good luck! Hope this helped a little