Do you ever imagine the person whom you'd be if your childhood was as it was supposed to be instead of what it was?
Do you ever think of how you'd talk, dress and be different if you had gotten the love, support and care you needed?
Do you know who you would be? Can you recognize yourself in that person when you meet them?
Well, I did today when I went to clean for a new client.
It was my new client's girlfriend.
I met her this morning as I went into the house to clean and she was on her way off to work.
She was so beautiful. And I don't mean like the Covergirl-Vogue-etc.. beautiful-not a model beautiful-although she was very pretty. But her nose was a little too long and she didn't have that "taken care of" look to her. No, she was beautiful in the way that she was refined.
And although we only made small talk- I could tell that she is very highly intelligent.
She was so well spoken and well mannered; she wasn't uptight but was friendly and warm.
She had the little bun on the nape of her neck, hardly any make up except lipstick and she dressed conservatively.
As we spoke together-I looked at her with an admiration that both inspires and angers me.
I know she's who I would be like if I had a happy childhood. I just know it. And it makes me mad to know what I've missed out on and yet it inspires me and fills me with hope that maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance.
(yeah right)
Anyway-I just wanted to share that. I wanted to know if anyone else has ever had this kind of experience.

[wisewoman]

Jax, you can be who you desire. It takes us a lot more thought and a lot more work but abuse does not define our lives. I am learning that I can make conscious choices in my life and take care of myself. If you want to be well-read then read everything you get your hands on. If you want to feel pretty dress in ways that inspire that feeling. You can still be whatever you choose. I firmly believe this. Good luck.

Hi Wisewoman,
I know you're right. I just have to stop making up excuses for not doing what I have to-to become who I truely want to be.
It's so much work to get there and there's a huge margin for failure but it's better then being angry for not even trying and blaming it all on my childhood.
Thanks for that Wisewoman. I needed that kick in the butt.

((((((((((JAX)))))))))))

Truth is..that perhaps your childhood has slowed you down from reaching and developing into that person. Its ok to sit a mourn a bit. We won't let you stay at that point, but take as much time as you need to heal. We care!

[walkswithspiritbear]

I really can appreciate what you have written, but for me I feel as if it is pretty much done for.. I wish so much that I could have had a childhood.... instead of jumping from age to five to adult hood.

[wisewoman]

Jax, you are not making excuses, you are feeling the pain. Pain is um? Painful beyond our words. I believe that you can come through this and become who you would like to become. I know I felt like I would always be white trash and I wore a red flag that advertised to the world that I was unlovable. That's all I am saying, you have it inside to accomplish and become. Yes, I agree, crying, mourning is important. Screaming is important. And then seeing the person that we see is also important. I hope this makes sense.

I feel like I had a lot of howling to do in the beginning. Howling, shreiking grieving. It is stronger then I am comfortable with but it does transform.

Peace, ww

Yup - I would not be the person I am today the following is the introduction placed in my book La La Land Express -

If I was given the chance to change one thing what would that be?
This question appeared one day
on an on line support group message board, there were lots of members including me.
My first answer was of course was to say

I would change that I had been abused but then
as I sat that night thinking about it
I realized that if that one thing had changed I would not have been
the me that I am without the abusive $hitt

For it would send a chain reaction through out my whole life changing who I am now
If I had not been abused I would not have been on the run so
I would not have traveled the United States looking for a way to stop the abuse somehow
I would have missed out on seeing many beautiful states and the sights I saw on the go,

I would have missed out on the many friends that I have today
For a lot of them we met
In shelters, therapy groups, and support groups each sharing what we needed to say
But the chain doesn’t stop there yet

For if I hadn’t been on the run
I would not have landed in a college town where
There was a link to the person who knew what must be done
So that I could eventually be stronger and dare

Myself to stand up and fight
So that I could remain free
It was her agency that lead me to helping to change laws for survivors rights
Through the governors task force which helped not only me.

I would never have done that if I
Hadn’t been abused or the other things that I have done
Like going public letting convicted rapists know why
What they do is wrong, or like telling teens how to get some one

To help them so that they
Don’t have to lead the life I have lead.
If I hadn’t been abused I wouldn’t be who I am today
I wouldn’t have my son I have for there may have been a different man instead.

For I met the guy while in a
hospital because I had been
Abused and was having flashbacks and didn’t have the words to say
What was happening because of the abuse back then.

So given the fact that if I hadn’t been abused I wouldn’t be
a - mother, college graduate and survivor who
actively changed the laws pertaining to abuse and I wouldn’t have gotten to see
and do all that I did or have the friends that I do

I choose to change nothing of the past
but continue moving forwards instead so
now for you all I put my therapy journey down to last
on these pages so that you too can find your way through the abuse of days, weeks,
months and years ago

Copyright Katherine T. Manne

Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your encouragement and understanding.
I am aware of the odds of my actually becoming that refined, self assured and intellegent person. But I can do my own version of it.

It's a whole new strange world sometimes when I go to a client's house to clean. Although we all live in the same city-we all have such different lives.
I look at their photographs and when the family is in the house I can see how they interact with one another. Sometimes when this happens as I watch or see a photograph- I can feel my head getting all stuffy and hot because I become so enraged that I didn't have that.
A picture of a mother looking at her daughter lovingly or the family with their grandparents there or just hearing how they talk with one another-the respect given-no theatrics. A father actually engaging in a conversation with his kids...Stupid crap these people take for granted that I never had.
So, I get to see what I missed out on.
Well-maybe I can earn some of it for myself if I work hard enough. Just a tiny little taste of it.

But how do you earn that? How do you earn your childhood back? How do you earn a mother looking at you lovingly and stroking your bangs out of your eyes? How do you earn a father just talking to you for more then two sentences and actually acting like he wants to be involved in your life instead of skimming around it where he has to because he's married to your mother?
How do I earn respect from a mother who's idea of a "formal dinner" conversation is to talk about my sister's dildo or my bra/breast size or humiliating my other sister by telling preferred to be forgotten stories being told AGAIN to a bunch of people we'd really not have hear.
How do you earn that? How do you earn not having to do a stinkin' song and dance just to get one morsel of positive attention?
You don't earn it-it's something that should be given to you. So how do I recouperate from not having it? How do I earn it? I guess all I can do is compensate for not having it.

GRRRRRRRRRR