[wwwwry]

I had a very bad episode a week ago, worst I had every felt, I now believe it was a reaction to a change in my anti depressants.

But I'm now back to my old self which isn't good either.
I have been diagnosed with depression approx 3 years ago, it came to light when I had a breakdown from everything that was going on in my life. 3 kids with ADHD, 2 with OCD, 2 with ODD, my wife had just been diagnosed with ADHD, and had gotten herself into $ 40,000.00 in debt (how does someone who didn't work and have bad credit get this much credit). I was at a point that I couldn't go on any more. I was put on anti depressants and my wife and I started marriage counseling. It was s struggle but we started to move forward. I was taken off anti depressants after 18 months.

It's now 18 months later and I'm back on anti depressants. What I am learning is that I've had depression for as long as I can remember, probably since the age of 6 or 7 (I'm now 50). Through out my live I have been shy and have low self esteem. I am relatively intelligent, but I feel that I always fall short of what I'm capable of. I believe that through all of this I must have learned how to cope with this to keep myself going. The problem is that the coping I have learned is also keeping me from moving ahead. I have always avoided get together's, parties etc that included people I didn't know or there were more than a few people. I never know how to start a conversation and when I get into one all I can do is talk about myself. I know I should ask questions and talk about others but I get so nervous I end up talking about me again. When there is a conversation with many people I listen for something to have input on, but by the time I get it out I'm 2 or 3 topics behind. I always feel like I'm not involved and end up just sitting there silent. When ever I try to read things I can't stay focused. I have not had a hobby or an activity I can stay involved in. I curl on a team with 5 players so whenever we all show up 1 of us has to sit out. I always happily volunteer. I bought a motorcycle 2 years ago, I love to ride but could be bothered to spend the 15-20 minutes to get ready to go. My wife has me in a bowling league (2 years ago), which started great, but now we only have 1 original member and all I do is sit by myself.

I have always worked hard and have always been employed. For the last 7 years I have had a business partnership, selling retail windows and doors. My business partner now wants to go on his own. He says that this is just him, he has always moved on, but I can't help but feel it's about me. He has always been the social guy, building contacts, takes the bull by the horn. I'm more of a person who does really well with a customer and closes a higher percentage of jobs than most. What I'm not good at is the going after new leads from social meetings, getting involved with the Camber of Commerce etc. When I go to these meetings I just freeze and hide. My business partner is very good at this and get leads. He has also joined a group called BNI. This is a group where there is only 1 member from each type of business and you are required to give written referrals every week. This has also brought him a lot of business. I'm to scared of doing this alone and I don't have the social skills to look for an investor or partner. I'm going to just start looking for a job working for someone else, but this means that all our plans will have to change as I will not be bringing in enough money to support our life style, which isn't that great already. We have to still get over my wife's debt, our monthly medication alone costs over $ 700.00. Our kids can't be watched by a normal babysitter when we are now both at work due to their special needs, so if we need one with the new job this will be expensive.

I have always used my job as a refuge from the stresses of daily life. I would always stay at work for 10-14 hours a day. Now with the changes going to happen (4 months) it no longer is my refuge. I don't know how but I have ended up going to a couple of strip bars as my refuge. I'm attracted to the conversation of the few girls I've met. With this business now slower than usual they will spend time to talk with you. For me it's great a pretty girl listens to me, doesn't make me feel awkward, seems always supportive. I know it's what they do to get customers, but it still feels good. I do end up going to the VIP area, but more out of a feeling of obligation for their time than anything else.

I don't see any future, I don't want to harm myself but can't help thinking that I probably wont live much longer. I have spurts of ideas, but i either don't remember them or I can get motivated to start them. I've needed to paint our house, fix some doors etc, but I can't get motivated so there is all sits for years. I don't know were to turn, or what to do. If I ignore things I can cope, but I know it will soon come falling down. On one hand all I want to do is leave my wife and family, end all this pressure, get away from the all the chaos associated with ADHD, ODD, OCD. Then all I can think about is how can I be a quitter, leave my family when they obviously also suffer from disabilities. What kind of person even thinks about it.

I have also noticed that I can't seem to get myself involved with my own family. Yesterday was Halloween and I could even get myself home to take them out. I would have if my wife was not able to, but I had no interest in being there if I didn't have to. I ended up at the bar talking. How big of an ***** does that make me.

I'm not looking for sympathy. What I want is to just vent, put my feelings down so I can go back to them.
I know I shouldn't put myself down, but how can a good person think about leaving their family, when their problems are worse than anyone else's.
Why can't I want to be more involved with my own children. How can I go to strip bars.How can I get out of feeling that all I want is to disappear and live my life somewhere different and away from everything I know so wanting to be alone is what I feel is normal.

Sorry for the ranting I just don't know where to go from here. I've been to the doctor, I'm scheduled to see a therapist, but it's taken 8 weeks so far and it's still 3 weeks away. I know it's not reasonable but I want a quick easy fix, I'm just so tired of feeling alone, feeling like a loser, making decisions I make because of my depression instead of a good sound choice.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by wwwwry

I had a very bad episode a week ago, worst I had every felt, I now believe it was a reaction to a change in my anti depressants.

But I'm now back to my old self which isn't good either.
I have been diagnosed with depression approx 3 years ago, it came to light when I had a breakdown from everything that was going on in my life. 3 kids with ADHD, 2 with OCD, 2 with ODD, my wife had just been diagnosed with ADHD, and had gotten herself into $ 40,000.00 in debt (how does someone who didn't work and have bad credit get this much credit). I was at a point that I couldn't go on any more. I was put on anti depressants and my wife and I started marriage counseling. It was s struggle but we started to move forward. I was taken off anti depressants after 18 months.

It's now 18 months later and I'm back on anti depressants. What I am learning is that I've had depression for as long as I can remember, probably since the age of 6 or 7 (I'm now 50). Through out my live I have been shy and have low self esteem. I am relatively intelligent, but I feel that I always fall short of what I'm capable of. I believe that through all of this I must have learned how to cope with this to keep myself going. The problem is that the coping I have learned is also keeping me from moving ahead. I have always avoided get together's, parties etc that included people I didn't know or there were more than a few people. I never know how to start a conversation and when I get into one all I can do is talk about myself. I know I should ask questions and talk about others but I get so nervous I end up talking about me again. When there is a conversation with many people I listen for something to have input on, but by the time I get it out I'm 2 or 3 topics behind. I always feel like I'm not involved and end up just sitting there silent. When ever I try to read things I can't stay focused. I have not had a hobby or an activity I can stay involved in. I curl on a team with 5 players so whenever we all show up 1 of us has to sit out. I always happily volunteer. I bought a motorcycle 2 years ago, I love to ride but could be bothered to spend the 15-20 minutes to get ready to go. My wife has me in a bowling league (2 years ago), which started great, but now we only have 1 original member and all I do is sit by myself.

I have always worked hard and have always been employed. For the last 7 years I have had a business partnership, selling retail windows and doors. My business partner now wants to go on his own. He says that this is just him, he has always moved on, but I can't help but feel it's about me. He has always been the social guy, building contacts, takes the bull by the horn. I'm more of a person who does really well with a customer and closes a higher percentage of jobs than most. What I'm not good at is the going after new leads from social meetings, getting involved with the Camber of Commerce etc. When I go to these meetings I just freeze and hide. My business partner is very good at this and get leads. He has also joined a group called BNI. This is a group where there is only 1 member from each type of business and you are required to give written referrals every week. This has also brought him a lot of business. I'm to scared of doing this alone and I don't have the social skills to look for an investor or partner. I'm going to just start looking for a job working for someone else, but this means that all our plans will have to change as I will not be bringing in enough money to support our life style, which isn't that great already. We have to still get over my wife's debt, our monthly medication alone costs over $ 700.00. Our kids can't be watched by a normal babysitter when we are now both at work due to their special needs, so if we need one with the new job this will be expensive.

I have always used my job as a refuge from the stresses of daily life. I would always stay at work for 10-14 hours a day. Now with the changes going to happen (4 months) it no longer is my refuge. I don't know how but I have ended up going to a couple of strip bars as my refuge. I'm attracted to the conversation of the few girls I've met. With this business now slower than usual they will spend time to talk with you. For me it's great a pretty girl listens to me, doesn't make me feel awkward, seems always supportive. I know it's what they do to get customers, but it still feels good. I do end up going to the VIP area, but more out of a feeling of obligation for their time than anything else.

I don't see any future, I don't want to harm myself but can't help thinking that I probably wont live much longer. I have spurts of ideas, but i either don't remember them or I can get motivated to start them. I've needed to paint our house, fix some doors etc, but I can't get motivated so there is all sits for years. I don't know were to turn, or what to do. If I ignore things I can cope, but I know it will soon come falling down. On one hand all I want to do is leave my wife and family, end all this pressure, get away from the all the chaos associated with ADHD, ODD, OCD. Then all I can think about is how can I be a quitter, leave my family when they obviously also suffer from disabilities. What kind of person even thinks about it.

I have also noticed that I can't seem to get myself involved with my own family. Yesterday was Halloween and I could even get myself home to take them out. I would have if my wife was not able to, but I had no interest in being there if I didn't have to. I ended up at the bar talking. How big of an ***** does that make me.

I'm not looking for sympathy. What I want is to just vent, put my feelings down so I can go back to them.
I know I shouldn't put myself down, but how can a good person think about leaving their family, when their problems are worse than anyone else's.
Why can't I want to be more involved with my own children. How can I go to strip bars.How can I get out of feeling that all I want is to disappear and live my life somewhere different and away from everything I know so wanting to be alone is what I feel is normal.

Sorry for the ranting I just don't know where to go from here. I've been to the doctor, I'm scheduled to see a therapist, but it's taken 8 weeks so far and it's still 3 weeks away. I know it's not reasonable but I want a quick easy fix, I'm just so tired of feeling alone, feeling like a loser, making decisions I make because of my depression instead of a good sound choice.

wwwwry,
Alot of your post was like looking into a mirror. You aren't lazy, worthless or a loser. Depression robs you of initiative, self motivation and happiness. Pulling away from others is a common reaction. If you have been depressed as long as you can remember, you have probably gotten so used to the feeling that you really don't know what normal feels like. The coping skills that you used as a child and young adult, no longer work for you. Some of them were probably not healthy, but they worked for you at the time. Now you are married with children and a business and have had to come up with a whole new way of coping.

parties and crowds are tough. Its easier to talk one on one than try to mingle. I don't go to things like that because I'll wind up against the wall just watching everything else going on. It feels like watching a movie. I try not to make eye contact or attract attention. Anything to keep people from coming over.

Marriage and kids are tough enough when you are depressed. It sounds like your family really isn't in a position to support you as they are dealing with their own problems. I'm glad you are working on staying together though. When you are alone, all you do is think, and that isn't always a good thing.

Your business partner may well be leaving for the reasons he told you. Feeling like things are your fault is part of the depression package. So is the fear of starting something new, or changing the way you do things. Having to hire a new person when your partner goes will be a big change for you, but keeping your business will make you feel better about yourself in the long run.

Does your wife know you are going to strip bars? Although it may be perfectly innocent on your part, and a way to find people who will listen to you, she might not see it that way. Between the drinks and cover charge, you'd be better off spending your money on a good therapist that won't just listen but will help you find a way to deal with both your depression and raising a family with special needs. This may sound odd, but when you have been depressed for a long time, there is a certain comfort is just staying where you are. There is a saying, "better the devil you know" that fits the situation. You are miserable, but you have gotten used to it. As bad as things are, making a change causes increased discomfort, so its easier to just keep going the way you are. That isn't an accusation. I do the same thing. Making changes or seeing a therapist means looking into some mental rooms that you'd rather not go into.

I lost my wife and child to divorce over a decade ago, (long story and the reason wasn't depression), but still can't look at pictures of my son. Its too painful. I see him once a year, (he is out of state), and the visits are very painful. There is also guilt brought on by the fact that seeing him is so painful. I know you feel shame from your inability to look forward to interacting with your kids, but its not personal. Its the depression talking.

At some point you are going to have to make a decision. If you want to keep the wife and kids, you are going to have to move forward. That probably means going to a therapist and learning new coping skills. My guess is that right now you feel trapped and part of you wants out or all the responsibilities of life that are so difficult. I really don't have any right to advise you as I'm basically a recluse, partly depression and partly debilitating pain, but i'd hate to see you lose what you do have. It may be easier for you to start by coming to this forum where there are no faces and no one really knows who you are.

Please don't give up on yourself. You are fighting a battle that many people will never have to face. So far you have kept your family, despite the fact that they are also needy for other reasons. You have something to give, both to your family and society. I'm sure your children love you regardless of your depression, and your wife does as well. The fact that you have held your family together through this tells me what kind of person you are. You can be proud of yourself for doing that.

Please stay in touch on the forum. There are many people who will understand.

Sam2

[Leed]

Hi ~ Sam gave you some EXCELLENT advise. I know you're depressed, and believe me I know what depression is all about. I've been depressed since I was a small child - probably around 4 or 5. My parents were too drunk to notice, so I didn't get treatment until I left home - I finally began treatment in my 20's and found I was clinically depressed and have been on antidepressants ever since. I'm now 63 !! I've also been thru therapy.

Like Sam said ~ don't give up now. You're holding things together quite well, contrary to what you might believe. Yes, I know it's difficult for you but starting therapy will certainly make things easier for you - I know it did for me! Even the FIRST session made a difference as I was ready, willing and able to open up and talk to the therapist. Just be honest with the therapist and tell him everything. No secrets are allowed. You're safe there.

You're a good man. Like Sam said, you should be proud of yourself, and I agree! God bless, and PLEASE take care of yourself -- and let us know how you're doing after therapy starts, ok? Hugs, Lee

[carebirdy]

I've worked with kids who have the problems you describe - it's not easy. You and your wife deserve support. Are there any parenting support groups are low cost/no cost parenting classes around? I can understand how your wife got in so much debt and how you feel alienated.
I have jobs where I'm responsible for bringing in business. It's really hard. Sometimes I decide I'm going to go in and play a role if I have to network.I also make sure to give myself downtime after because it is quite exhausting. Good luck.

[wwwwry]

Thank you for the feed back everyone.

I've read and reread my post and the replies several times. Your replies give me a sense of relief when I read them. Unfortunately the relief goes as quick as it comes. My thoughts just come and cancels them out. My meeting with my therapist starts soon and I'm worried that I won't be able to help myself. I don't even know how I feel most of the time. I don't know if I'm feeling worried, depressed, confused etc. I have done a lot of reading on depression this last week. There is a lot of writing about learning coping skills, all I can think about is that the coping skills are just tricks to try and get me to think the way society wants me to think. I read how depression makes you feel the way we do. I try to be honest with myself, but I can't see how I have giving anything of value to the world, nothing that anyone else couldn't have done. I also can't help but feel that everyone around me would be better off having someone more positive in their lives.