[anjelmarie]

I don't want to do life anymore. This isn't a suicide post its just how i feel. I don't want to be here anymore because the pain is too much. I pray for death. I feel its the only way i'll be at peace. That may sound crazy but thats how i feel. People say its the depression talking. I say its just reality. My life is so messed up and i don't see how it can change for the better. I'm not young, i'm getting older and i just see things getting worse. No one can tell me how things can get better. They just want me to say that i don't want to die. My health issues are keeping me from having a life. I don't have energy to do anything, i'm in pain most days and some of the symptoms are embarrassing so i don't want to be around anyone and i'm afraid to even go out. I feel my depression is caused by the things going on in my life. I am on disability and i'm in my cluttered apartment that i have no energy to clean. I lay in bed and watch tv. I go to my appointments and do errands (sometimes) and that is my life. And when i'm home which is pretty much all the time i have to deal with neighbors upstairs that i think are trying to annoy me enough so that i'll move. I live with bf and we are living check to check and we have no money saved to move. I feel stuck. Im not happy at all with my bf and i have no relationship with my family and have lost most of my friends. Who wants my life? I don't think anyone would want it. I don't have children to live for and i'm getting older. I don't want to go on feeling miserable from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. I don't understand why people like me are still here and people that have everything to live for end up with terminal illnesses or get killed in accidents. I know i sound crazy, my bf thinks i am and my therapist doesn't know what to do or say to me either. I know she is sick of me. She keeps suggesting hospitalization. What would that do? I'd come out to the same life. I know no one here will no what to say either i just felt i needed to just vent.

[roads]

I have various pains from physical stuff that's becoming more of a problem, on top of being bipolar ... so I can relate on some days to how you're feeling. No bf, though ... just me and my cats.
if your T is offering hospitalization, why not give that a try? They'd have a chance to seriously re-evaluate you medication, top to bottom, even do a nutritional study ... Might turn something up that could lessen both the pain and the depression. Can't do most of these out-patient.
Consider it a vacation from the people and places in your current life. If you've lost interest in this life, what have you got to lose?
It would also show everyone that you were willing to make one final effort. I hope you'll give it some thought.
Roadie

[Madison Park]

It is hard to know what to say. It is helpful to have a place like this to share how you feel where no one will judge. I feel like you you do so many days. That feeling of being stuck is terrible. Is there anything you can think of that would make you feel better if only for a little while? Something easy to do. That's what I'm trying to do now. It's not working so far. I have a difficult time forcing myself to do anything. Guess I'll keep trying. It's good that you keep your appointments and do your errands. It may not seem like much but it's a whole lot better than not getting out at all. I really hope you feel better.

[anjelmarie]

Originally Posted by Roadie

I have various pains from physical stuff that's becoming more of a problem, on top of being bipolar ... so I can relate on some days to how you're feeling. No bf, though ... just me and my cats.
if your T is offering hospitalization, why not give that a try? They'd have a chance to seriously re-evaluate you medication, top to bottom, even do a nutritional study ... Might turn something up that could lessen both the pain and the depression. Can't do most of these out-patient.
Consider it a vacation from the people and places in your current life. If you've lost interest in this life, what have you got to lose?
It would also show everyone that you were willing to make one final effort. I hope you'll give it some thought.
Roadie

Thanks for replying and for the advice. I don't want to be hospitalized especially in the hospital where i go for my therapy because i called crisis one time and was taken there and treated like crap by the staff. They talk about you like your not even there and they make jokes and rude comments. I complained when the nurse came in to finally talk to me. They then put me in this room by myself with nothing in it and left me there for a long time and by the time someone came in to question me i had made up my mind i was not staying there. I told them i was not planning to take my life and they released me. It was a horrible experience. I wish i could go someplace where people cared and actually wanted to help me and where i could rest and have peace but unfortunately that is not happening.