I just want it to go away.

I'm sorry if this is going to be long but I have no other way of getting it out there. I've felt always this dragging feeling me as long as I can remember now. It has gotten much worse the past 3 years. I used to have a very bad problem, and that problem was cutting. The last time I did it was 5 months ago, right on my upper leg. They were deep , but easily hidden away from every single one of my friends and my family. I dont know why I did it. I felt alone all the time. I was outcasted from everyone in school as a freak. Recently, I have tried my best to fit in.
I want to be perfect in everyones eyes. I want to be happy. I want to look forward to going to school to see my friends, not dread it. Im so easily irritated now a days , and I always want to be alone. I sleep every second I can get because it's my escape from the world around me. I cry myself to sleep almost everynight repeating the same thing over and over ' im sorry, why me'. I really wish this all was for attention, but it's not. I need help. I cant talk to my family, I never tell them anything. Neither my friends. To them I'm always happy. I wear a fake smile and put on a fake laugh for them to just play along with. Am I cruel for doing so?
I dont want to explain anything personal yet because I'm scared that people will get the wrong idea of why I'm here. But I really need help. And I would love to just have someone tell me that Im okay. That Everything WILL be okay. And help me through whatever this is and whatever I am going through. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

PLEASE Anna, talk to your counselor at school. That's what they're there for, besides talking about school issues. They will talk to you about personal issues too. But please talk to him/her. You MUST talk to an adult that is trained in this type thing. And if you won't talk to your parents, the only other choice you have is your school counselor.

What you really need is a therapist -- but since you won't talk to your parents, talk to your counselor at school. And please make sure you do because you have to talk to someone. It's very important. And please let me know what happens, okay? You can private message me or something if you want to. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

"And I would love to just have someone tell me that Im okay."

You just have feelings and you are aware of them. Some days I walk around and meet people with no expression, no response, noooo f e e l i n g. God, sometimes I just want to know its ok I felt.

Sending love and hugs

Anna,
You are okay.
I agree that you really do need someone to talk to. Trust me, not talking to someone who can help you will only allow you to get worse....I am living proof of that!
I spent too many years of not talking and stuffing more and more pain deep down inside....it took its toll on my sanity and on my nerves.
Find a counselor and open up to them and have faith that they will help you.
No one here will judge you so you can open up here if you need to.
This community is here for you so take advantage of it!

You are ok and it will get better!