[Steve27]

I will be 40 in a week. Ten years ago I was in a therapists office describing my problems with myself and he said that I needed to try and fix them so that Im not 40 and thinking the same things. Well here I am. I am forcing myself to not make it a big deal. For me, its not he age so much as the narrowing of the window. Never had a long term relationship, not even close. Have come to a hopeless attitude that my future holds the same mundane routine and that my existence is going to seem more and more comical or weird to people the longer I stay this way. I hate it, but I don't have the skills to fix it. Ive gone through this pattern of self hatred for the better part of 20 years. My whole young adulthood.

I get overwhelmed with memories now. Thinking back to random moments from 12, 20, 30 years ago depresses me simply because the amount of moments are too much for me to handle. Its like Ive been around too long.

This isn;t making much sense and I haven;t been able to articulate this very well to my therapist. Its a numbness and despair and a feeling of being small.

I appreciate any thoughts or even if you just read this. I know my situation isn't the most difficult by any means. It just feels like a life-long puzzle that i haven't figured out yet. Not even close. Thanks for your attention.

i'm sorry you feel like this, steve.

i think.. i have done for quite a while, this is probably how i'm going to be when i'm at 40 too.

i'm 25- and struggling to live as it is.. why the hell i would want to live another 15 years is beyond me.

i do hope you find some comfort at least (even if it's something small)

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Steve27

I hate it, but I don't have the skills to fix it.

It just feels like a life-long puzzle that i haven't figured out yet.

Those make sense. They at least echo clearly over here.

[mudgey]

I'm glad you posted. I'm 38 and continue to feel like I will never be where I thought I would be at this age. I've never been anywhere or seen anything and I don't want to die without some sort of adventure or exciting trip. It is never going to happen. I still fantasize about having some great relationship like they have in fairy tales. I'm still waiting to be swept off my feet or get taken on some surprise trip or even date. I've been married for almost 10 years. It is never going to happen. There are people all around me that seem to have all this luck and great things that happen to them. I'm not sure why some of us got the short end of the stick. If something positive happens in my life, something negative follows and cancels out the good. I feel just like you. And have felt just like you for as long as I can remember. I feel like such a waste. I don't have any great words of advice. We are supposed to be here for some reason though. I just haven't figured it out yet. If I do, I will let you know.

[Livebythesea]

Hi Steve,
Thank you for your post. I am also staring down 40 and will be hitting that lovely milestone in about 2 more weeks. My depression and downward spiral started about 5 years ago, so I can remember happier times, but I don't know if it's worse to have had a much better life or not - because I feel like such a failure for the way my life has turned out. For the first time in my life I was let go from a job because of my depression, my marriage is over and I am a lost soul. Antidepressants have never done anything for me and therapy - well I've tried but don't find it helpful once I leave the office. So what to do now? I keep waiting for something to happen, to get me out of this nightmare that is my life. I know that I'm the only one who can do this, but how?

Hopefully you can think of happier times and know that there is something better for us all if we can somehow, slowly must the energy to try. And if you can hold down a job you're definitely doing better than I am for sure.

Send me a PM if you want to commiserate more and thanks for your post.

Livebythesea

[doggiedo]

Yea, same here. Like my existence is pointless. Hugs to u tho. Hang in there

[hamster-bamster]

Just turned 42 . It is OK, it is still young.