Absolutely useless

I feel like an absolute failure all the time. Even when I'm happy, I'm not the kind of happy other people feel. I'm merely content with my life. I get broken down easily and I seem to cry most days. I've lost about 50 lbs since January without trying because I spent a few months barely eating and abusing drugs. I'm probably more attractive than I've ever been before and it means absolutely nothing to me. I feel empty and broken all the time. I feel like no one really cares about me. My dad and his girlfriend have been pressuring me to move out of their house (I just turned 22) and my dad even offered to pay me to move... which hurt me a lot. I'm not ready because I'm going back to school and don't want the financial stress. I also lived with roommates for 2 months and it was the worst experience of my life. They treated me like ****, yelled at me and insulted me every single day. I broke down and showed up at my dad's house crying and he reluctantly took me back.

Everyone I meet really likes me until they get to know me. After a while, they all tell me I'm too unstable and crazy and they walk out on me. It hurts a lot. I can't keep friends or lovers for long. They all get frustrated with me and leave me alone. I don't want to live anymore but I also don't have what it takes to kill myself. I just want to disappear into thin air. My dad can't tolerate me anymore because I don't speak to him. I get home and go straight to my room because I have nothing to say. I don't want to talk to anyone and I'd rather be alone. I never text/call/email people back because I assume they don't want me to, like there's no point to it anymore.

I also get attached to people very quickly and I get my heart broken a lot because of it because no one stays in my life for long. I seriously feel like everyone would be happier without me. That's why they all cut me off one after the other.

hey.

first off, you arn't alone in the parents thing- my parents suck.. and barely even say hello to me... apparently it's some kind of curse if they do that- so they totally shut me out so can relate to you on that.

with friends.. hmm also kind of the same sinario, they get to know me- realise that i have mental health conditions, and think... oh you know, it's not worth the hassle- i don't need it in my life and walk out

yeah i do get attached to people... but that's only because i don't have anyone anyway (and i don't mean a relationship, i mean just to talk and vent too). like you, it hurts when they decide after hearing about me they don't want anything to do with me

i've never had a relationship- really not ready for that... far from stable, so it wouldn't be fair... plus i don't like people, so the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone just freaks me out.

finally yeah... i do feel like i've let people down and that i am no good at anything.

i'm 25, and feel like i'm not living at all- i'm just going through my days shut away from everyone, and having no life.

i have no plans for the future... none at all- i've no idea where i want to go, what i wanted to do so i always constantly think to myself... so 20, 30 years down the line... is this really worth it?

is this me?

being forced to live in a world where i feel i don't fit in

Things *do* get better, at least partly. I'm still just as nuts as I used to be, but I'm older now and more financially stable. Not having to rely on others is a big weight off of your shoulders. That said, I'm still tucked away in a little apartment....alone. It's not that I don't want to get into a relationship, it's just that I'm an emotional vacuum. I don't want to put anyone through that ever again.

You're at an age where friends come and go a lot because everyone is trying to figure themselves out. It makes sense that you would take it more personally, considering how your father treats you. And some bullying roommates.

But you are going back to school again. You have a chance to start over and try opening up a little with new people. There are nice people out there if you can find them. You can keep working on your mental health issues and eventually you will be more stable. And when you are older you'll find people become less judgmental, even about emotional and mental problems.

Hang in there! So sorry you are hurting.