[Nicholas26]

I had a typically innocent childhood. Raised in a Christian home and brought up to respect all women and elders. Here I am though, 20 years and 363 days after my birth on Christmas Eve sitting here itching for a hit, drooling for that sip to make my head spin. My heart is broken from love and love that is lost. This time of year couldn’t have been a better time for my girlfriend of eight months to drop me for a guy on her street, who she of course ****ed the day we broke up. That was 9 days ago. Ever since that happened, I’ve been drunk. In the past week I consumed more alcohol, pills, weed, nicotine, and caffeine in my entire life. In one week. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’ll never know, really. I have the worst luck with love. How do I feel? This question is actually very hard to answer but if I was to try and explain how I feel I guess I would tell you that I don’t. Feelings don’t really mean anything anymore. I’m living day to day now just hoping that one day I don’t wake up. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to be a coward and blow my own ****ing head off but for now my self medication is reliable…but I guess up to only a certain degree. Well…that’s what I’ve been told at least but it’s very hard to believe. I’m so sick of this ****ing species called the human race. They all make me sick. With their nice suburban homes and their gas guzzling SUVs with their screaming children receiving their every demand because their guardians are worthless pieces of ****ing trash that follow every rule and guideline, the most straight edge we only drink on specific occasions kind of people. Those kinds of people where money controls everything and it becomes the main reason for true happiness in the home are truly the worst people. THIS IS NEVER WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. This is most of America, I also found out there are other places in the world with just the same amount or even worse people. It’s horrible how this race has become and I don’t know whether to waste my breathe and my time by trying to change their minds or ruin my life by taking theirs. These are the thoughts it my head on a daily basis. I’m not sure if I’m crazy or everyone else but we ARE all crazy in our own way. Somebody save me please, just reach out and grab me and tell me where to go from here. Jesus Christ can’t save me. My mother cant save me. My friends can’t even save me. I, most importantly, find it incredibly difficult to save me from myself. I think about killing myself every single day and it’s embarrassing to admit. Here I am, on Christmas Eve, drinking, smoking and being with my friends…but I am alone. For the longest time it’s always been like this and now I realize, after all these years, that we are all truly alone but we lie to ourselves on a daily basis in order to coincide with our fellow man but that’s not enough, no, because we all disagree about most things, we could never work as a whole race as a family. We are in this for ourselves, no one else. This is why I am alone. You, the reader, are alone. How do you keep waking up every day knowing that even with a wife, kids, nice house, etc. you are alone? I want that….i want that so badly. I want that family life more than anything but who could be with someone so incredibly unstable? It’s difficult to hold on anymore when I know that everything is already hell and it’s just not worth trying to outweigh good with bad all the time. I’m sick of it, clearly, there is way more bad than good. If you don’t see that and consider yourself an optimist, you are lying to yourself. That is no way to live. Can someone just erase my memory and make me forget about all the bad things…well..and good things…it’s depressing to be nostalgic…all memories are just horribly depressing. I feel like lunacy is setting in.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by Nicholas26

I had a typically innocent childhood. Raised in a Christian home and brought up to respect all women and elders. Here I am though, 20 years and 363 days after my birth on Christmas Eve sitting here itching for a hit, drooling for that sip to make my head spin. My heart is broken from love and love that is lost. This time of year couldn’t have been a better time for my girlfriend of eight months to drop me for a guy on her street, who she of course ****ed the day we broke up. That was 9 days ago. Ever since that happened, I’ve been drunk. In the past week I consumed more alcohol, pills, weed, nicotine, and caffeine in my entire life. In one week. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I’ll never know, really. I have the worst luck with love. How do I feel? This question is actually very hard to answer but if I was to try and explain how I feel I guess I would tell you that I don’t. Feelings don’t really mean anything anymore. I’m living day to day now just hoping that one day I don’t wake up. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to be a coward and blow my own ****ing head off but for now my self medication is reliable…but I guess up to only a certain degree. Well…that’s what I’ve been told at least but it’s very hard to believe. I’m so sick of this ****ing species called the human race. They all make me sick. With their nice suburban homes and their gas guzzling SUVs with their screaming children receiving their every demand because their guardians are worthless pieces of ****ing trash that follow every rule and guideline, the most straight edge we only drink on specific occasions kind of people. Those kinds of people where money controls everything and it becomes the main reason for true happiness in the home are truly the worst people. THIS IS NEVER WHAT IT WAS ABOUT. This is most of America, I also found out there are other places in the world with just the same amount or even worse people. It’s horrible how this race has become and I don’t know whether to waste my breathe and my time by trying to change their minds or ruin my life by taking theirs. These are the thoughts it my head on a daily basis. I’m not sure if I’m crazy or everyone else but we ARE all crazy in our own way. Somebody save me please, just reach out and grab me and tell me where to go from here. Jesus Christ can’t save me. My mother cant save me. My friends can’t even save me. I, most importantly, find it incredibly difficult to save me from myself. I think about killing myself every single day and it’s embarrassing to admit. Here I am, on Christmas Eve, drinking, smoking and being with my friends…but I am alone. For the longest time it’s always been like this and now I realize, after all these years, that we are all truly alone but we lie to ourselves on a daily basis in order to coincide with our fellow man but that’s not enough, no, because we all disagree about most things, we could never work as a whole race as a family. We are in this for ourselves, no one else. This is why I am alone. You, the reader, are alone. How do you keep waking up every day knowing that even with a wife, kids, nice house, etc. you are alone? I want that….i want that so badly. I want that family life more than anything but who could be with someone so incredibly unstable? It’s difficult to hold on anymore when I know that everything is already hell and it’s just not worth trying to outweigh good with bad all the time. I’m sick of it, clearly, there is way more bad than good. If you don’t see that and consider yourself an optimist, you are lying to yourself. That is no way to live. Can someone just erase my memory and make me forget about all the bad things…well..and good things…it’s depressing to be nostalgic…all memories are just horribly depressing. I feel like lunacy is setting in.

Nicholas, I'm going to tell you something that you probably don't want to hear. Despite the fact that your girlfriend dumped you, and you are feeling sickly depressed, You have not even begun your life yet. I think back to when I was 20 and felt like I didn't want to get through one more day. 20 seemed old and I thought all my chances were gone. Whether you believe or not, want it or not, your life is going to change drastically in the years ahead.

We all want to make a connection with someone that we can count on for the rest of our lives. Someone who puts us above all else, forgives what we do and say, doesn't care if we aren't perfect. Right now, that probably seems out of reach. In spite of the content, your post is well written and articulate. You are an intelligent young man, and I'd be willing to be that someone treasures your being in their life and would be devestated without you.

In some things we are alone. When we die, even if someone is sitting right there with us, its a journey we have to make on our own. The same goes for being born. Then there are times when you feel that way when you are older. If you give in now, you will never have a chance to make that connection that insures you will never be alone. Usually its a chance meeting.

I do know what you mean. Long ago, I lost both my wife and child to a divorce. I don't regret losing her, but my son is a different story. I used to do fine alone. I liked my quiet time and freedom. Nowadays, like you, I wish I had a family. Its too late to start over again now though. I can be in the middle of a room full of people I know and feel invisible. My health has failed me, so there isn't enough energy to start a relationship let alone hold one if I found the right person. No more kids either. Still, as along as you have life, there is hope. someone out there is waiting for you to show up. You'll know her when she does. Trusting is hard after a breakup, but there are good people.

I don't think you really want to die. You want the pain and lonliness to end. It will. It may take time, but you aren't done yet. Please try to remember that.Your life is important.

Sam2

[Nicholas26]

Sam, first I just want to say how grateful I am for your reply and the time you took to read this. Secondly, i am more interested in how you remain happy. You lost your wife and kid through a divorce, health is failing you, no energy to start again although you want to. How do you do it? How do you still have hope? How do you continue to live every day without letting those things eat you alive inside?

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by Nicholas26

Sam, first I just want to say how grateful I am for your reply and the time you took to read this. Secondly, i am more interested in how you remain happy. You lost your wife and kid through a divorce, health is failing you, no energy to start again although you want to. How do you do it? How do you still have hope? How do you continue to live every day without letting those things eat you alive inside?

Alot of pretending. lol. Seriously though, depression is always there. Some days getting out of bed actually triggers a panic attack. The onset of night is a blessing. My friend and my animals are mainly what keeps me going. Checking out early would hurt my friend, (she and her husband took me in when I was so sick from untreated migraines that I weighed 100lbs), and it would be cruel for me to check out early. My shepherd is with me all the time, even at work, and that forces me to get up, walk him and take care of him. Dogs are great for depression if you like them. They love you no matter what and pick up on how you feel.

I wish I could tell you that I beat the depression and enjoy life, but I'd be lying. The best I do is to keep going and try to support others in the same boat. At least I have a good friend. Some people have no one. That answer sounds inadequit, but I just don't have a magic solution.

Sam2

[0w6c379]

Hi Nicholas, Wow! Your post has such depth I was shocked to read that you are only 20 yrs old. I am over twice your age and have had a very difficult life with physical problems and now the mental one's too. I can relate to what you say, so much, that it is scary. When I fall in love, it is deep, it is true and it is lasting. Unfortunately, sometimes we fall for someone who does not reciprocate the feelings and it is devastating. Sadly, if your ex turned around and hooked up with another on the same day, that says a lot about her. I'm sure your friends would tell you the same thing. Of course, that does not ease your pain and i do understand pain. I have always taken the loss of a boyfriend/love interest very hard. It has taken me years to get over a relationship but I hope for your sake that you won't take as long. You are young and will have many girl's in the future I'm sure. It takes time to find the right one to settle down with and you won't find her unless you stay in the game. Someone special is out there for you it's just a matter of time.

You say you are unstable, but that is how you feel today. How can anyone be stable when they are using/drinking on a regular basis? Not that I am a purist but don't these drugs exacerbate your feelings of worthlessness when they wear off? Oh, I can understand how they may feel good as an escape now and then (I like to drown my sorrows too) but you won't be living like this forever. Eventually, you will need to be self supporting to achieve your goals of a wife and family.

You ask how does one live with the nice house, kids, husband/wife and still feel alone? Well I don't have any of these. I am old and alone with no prospects for the future. I am struggling day to day like you. Asking myself why bother? I didn't even get out of bed today because I have the day off. You ask what makes me hold on? Sometimes it's my therapist. I know he will be expecting to see me at our next appointment. He is kind, compassionate and really understands me like no one else. I don't know how I managed before meeting him. Things are still tough but having someone in your life that cares means everything to me and I think you may feel the same. You say your memories are depressing, well I have sad memories too. However, the other thing that keeps me going is the memory of how good that first kiss felt, how good it was to hold someone in my arms and feel safe. Remember, there was a time before that happened (say 1 yr ago) when you didn't know it ever would come about. You had those good feelings because you were here participating in the world. You might not have predicted it a year ago but it happened and it was good or else you wouldn't be so upset over the loss. I sometimes have hope that one day I'll have someone else in my arms. Someone who loves me and shares their inner thoughts with me. It's just a hope but if it happens, boy will it be worth it. I want to stick around to find out.

I don't really have the answers for you as your life will be different from mine. Your life, hopefully, will be better. Give it time, you need to give yourself a break and just hang in there until another good memory comes up. It will happen, have just a little faith. If your friends give you support then lean on them. If reading or something else gives you support then go to it. You are definitely someone that this world needs to hear more of.

[LadyShadow]

What a remarkable thread!

I like many others on here have suffered the heartache so deep that alcohol and depression consumed me for a long time too. I was 24 when it happened. When the man I loved more than anything whom which I spent 5 years with turned his back on me. I lived pain, breathed pain, drank my pain away and was at the bottom of every bottle.

So I know what you feel.

8 years later here I am at 32, and finally found someone to love. The truth is we will always feel alone. Sometimes I feel alone even though I am in this wonderful relationship. Its just who we are. We are born alone and we will die alone. The moments in between when we are not in someone's arms we have to be comfortable with. I am at peace in my solitude when I am alone now, because I have embraced it.

I was near death at that breakup 8 years ago, but I moved on. It took a lot of work and therapy, but I got there. Away from the desperation and fear. When fear lives in your heart, being alone can be a fate worse than death. We have to let go of that fear. That is how we move on and live. That's how we keep hope alive and not eat you from the inside out.

My biggest fear is what is written in my signature. Its a cage. Where I wilt away in old age. I know now that won't happen. I have hope. I didn't at one time. i was where you are. It will change. I promise. You have a lot to live for.