[WrongTurn]

Where am I !!! Not in this world that is for sure. Have I ever been in this world. This has always been a question that has haunted me. Even as a young child I can remember questioning the reality of "me".
Do I want to live in this world, that might be a better question. I Have chose not to for most of my life. Maybe it was not choice, at least not completely.
I find myself fighting between wanting to live out in the world and wanting to stay in mine. This causes a great rift in me, a rift that can be quite painful. The pain comes from the feeling that I am missing all the experiences of this world.
Thinking of that cause remorse, guilt and anger. I try to mitigate these thoughts and feelings in many ways but it WONT go away
I have almost completely dropped out of this world now. Even if I wanted to try to live here I dont know how or where to start. It seems so hard, so impossible. I feel old and I want to be young and try again.
I dont know how I even got to 42, it does not seem right!
I think, well I have missed everything so far, what's another 20 years or so.
The pain has been so great at times. It hurt so much!
I think I have become numb just to escape the hurt. Which gives relief but also makes me even more complacent. Then hope all but disappears
This is where I am at. Is this the end? Is this all there is? Is this to be my time here on this earth? It seems like such a waste

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, WrongTurn!

Originally Posted by WrongTurn

I have almost completely dropped out of this world now.

When were you most engaged in the world? How long ago? Did you gradually fade from society or did it happen more or less suddenly?

Feel free to ignore the nosy questions; these are just things that popped into my head while reading your post.

[WrongTurn]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, WrongTurn!

When were you most engaged in the world? How long ago? Did you gradually fade from society or did it happen more or less suddenly?

Feel free to ignore the nosy questions; these are just things that popped into my head while reading your post.

I dont mind questions, its just hard to put any kind of exact timeline on my withdraw. There are a few short periods where things seemed to be going in the right direction, but they are separated by much longer times of solitude, depression, and inactively.
The most resent time was around 9 years ago

you say:

i want to be young and try again

believe it or not, i too have wished that i could restart my life many times

i've lost so much- and sometimes i'm still not even sure what i had to begin with

so i do hear you... it does suck

hang in their

[0w6c379]

Hi WrongTurn, I can understand some of what you're feeling. I am depressed, angry and hurt too. I feel like I've missed out on so many wonderful things that life has to offer. I agree that, to miss out, hurts big time. How did you manage to "completely drop out of life"? I'm curious as that actually sounds good to me. Sometimes I'd like to just shut the world out and live holed up in my apartment with the computer, TV and phone as my companions. In fact, I've kinda done that already, but just for a few days or so. Then I have to get back to reality and go to work. As I get older, it seems to be harder and harder because I see the years pass and I'm still nowhere in this world. You ask some good questions and I wonder about them too. I'd hate to think that, where I am now in life is all there is. I hope that YOU and others here on PC will be able to get out and enjoy the things in life that I can't. It's not too late, Wrongturn, for you to turn things around. Do you have a therapist? You might want to consider it, they can be a big help.

[WrongTurn]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

How did you manage to "completely drop out of life"? I'm curious as that actually sounds good to me. Do you have a therapist?

I hit a real low point in my life, it was a very painful time and after that all hopes of the life I thought I would have were gone. I live at home, as I always have, so I just shut the door so to speak and suffered.
I guess there are some appealing things about shutting down, the pain does not touch you as much after awhile. You worry less about how you look and what others might think of you, but that is just because I dont go out much. Its right there waiting for me as soon as I step out that door. Time blurs after awhile. Now this I really like, the last few years seem like they never happened. In fact I say few years but its been more like 9.
My health has certainly gone down hill. I guess thats not a good thing huh. Well it brings death closer. Speaking of that I have pretty much given up on the ideal of suicide. That could be a plus or a minus depending on how you look at it, but I figure I am here to suffer and in the scheme of things what's a another 10 or 20 years, what ever I have left.
I do have a therapist but she is just a young thing that has no ideal of my world. She lives in a entirely different world, but I guess we all live in our own worlds to a degree. Mine is just on the outer reaches where its cold an lonely