[sniffles]

I need to let some things out for a minute. A lot of things have been happening in my life. I have shut out everything in my life because I'm so unhappy. I have never been more down in my life. I moved here to the UK 4 months ago to get married and I should be happy because I have a great husband who cares about me more than anything, but I am miserable. I think it's just because I miss my grandma so much. I can call her anytime I want, but it's not the same as being able to see her. She is getting very old and I realize that. Her time here on earth is precious and limited. I wanted to be able to have that time with her. Now in time I can fly back to the states to visit, but it's not like I can stay. I also miss my parents even though they made my life a living hell for the past year. Now that I've moved to the UK I have no family around. It's hard. I want to start a family of my own, but that isn't going to happen anytime soon. We need to be financially stable first. I love Anthony more than anything and would do anything for him. Our marriage is good, though it's had its ups and downs lately. But....all marriages go through there times.

Second, I am so upset about my weight. It has gotten so out of control. Because I am homesick I eat, so I've gained a tremendous amount of weight. I have suffered from anorexia/bulimia for the past 11 years. It's hard for me right now, because I want to be anorexic again so that I can be thin. I have been going to pro-ana sites for awhile now for thinspiration. I know it isn't right, but I can't help it. I want to feel ok with the way I look. Right now all I feel is fat. I look it too. My husband loves me for me and says I'm not fat, but it's hard to see past what my head tells me. My body image is so distorted that I don't know if what I'm seeing is really fat or not. Most likely not, but I can't believe that right now. I am not happy with me. I don't know how to get happy either. It isn't just as simple as exercising and eating right. I've tried that. The weight is just not coming off. I am wondering if my meds are the problem. I had also taken the birth control shot quite sometime ago and gained a tremendous amount of weight from it and now can't lose it. ugh...so disgusted with my body.

Third....I get so lonely while Anthony is at work. I still can't work for 2 more months because of my visa. So I sit here in the flat all day long with nothing to do. Last Monday I took a major overdose of all my meds. I was admitted to the hospital and then released on Wednesday, but only because I pushed. Because of what I've done, some psych team at the hospital is supposed to be taking me on. I don't know when they are going to call me, but I hope it is soon. I am sick and I realize that. My husband is trying so hard to be supportive, but it is ruining our relationship. I want to get better. I really do, but it's going to take time. I am just so lost recently. It's like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I'm just looking for some support right now. I could really use a friend right now. And a hug. Please. I'm in a downward spiral and need to get out of this funk. Please someone give me some advice.

[Christina86]

Hi sniffles,

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so isolated in this new geographic location, and I'm sorry about your grandma as well. Its not easy not being close to those who are sick. Homesickness is perfectly normal, it really is. This is just an idea, but can you go and visit her for a while? A few weeks or even a month (or two)? Your husband would probably be behind you 100% if he knew how much this meant to you.

My family made both me and my sister's life miserable too, but now since we've both moved out it really is hard. You do wind up missing your family, even if you didn't get along with them (or never did). Just a suggestion of course, but take your time with the idea of starting a family. Its a lot of hard work, and I don't think its the best idea to jump into that sort of commitment until you've spent more time together alone. (Since kids have this way of taking up all your time and its never ever quiet!)

About your previous history of anorexia or bulimia, have you talked to a doctor about it yet (in the UK I mean)? If you are concerned about your weight, a doctor can help you achieve what you want physically while still ensuring you remain healthy. If you think your meds are a problem as you think, please go to the doctor. It could be as simple as a med change or reduction, but at least a doctor can help you out.

I know it has got to be pretty darn lonely for you when your husband is at work. You're in a new place, and you don't know anyone and you don't even have any family close by. Have you thought about going out into your nearby community and joining a club or something? Even just socializing and saying hello to your neighbours might be helpful in getting rid of some of the lonely feelings. I'm sorry about your OD, but I'm glad you're 'alright' now and are getting the help and support you need. As for you 'ruining' your relationship with your husband, have you told him everything you just wrote here?? Try communicating all of this to him, it might help him to better understand how sad and lonely you are right now. If you can't talk to him, how about printing off your post and giving it to him? Chances are he'll want to talk about it, but if your husband is going to be there for you and support you, you should do it.

*********HUGS***********

And if you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me. Sorry if any of my advice and ramblings were out of line... sometimes I have trouble giving advice.

wow. sounds like you have had alot of changes -- marraige, relocation, job change... these are all of the top stressors in a person's life!!.

Its may be necessary to have someone help you with these transitions. I'd encourage you to find some support (therapy, church leaders, etc)... possibly someone who you can see face-to-face. Also perhaps you can start to find your own roots and develop some hobbies until you get to work by getting involved in a group or organization. That will help you meet people.

I saw an Oprah that talked about the depression many women go through after they get married, so I don't think that is uncommon, and that can be compounded by the move and underlying past issues. I hope you reach out and get the help you need.

[sniffles]

thank you for responding. i will try to get all the help i can get.
sniffles