[StormieKnight]

Well, I'm 18 and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 16. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, but mainly with depressive episodes. I've been a victim of a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, so I'm not just an ungrateful teenager.
Since May 2012, I've been in the psych hospital 3 times. Twice for suicide attempts, one almost successful. The last time I was just extremely suicidal with a plan and told my therapist. I've tried two new medications since the last hospital stay which was in December and they aren't really helping me shake these suicidal thoughts....
I think about it every day, whether it's a fleeting thought or the kind that bring me to staying in bed all day long. There's this voice in my head that takes over and won't let coping skills help or other people comforting me help.... it blocks it all out. Just says: I'm meant to die.

I have a serious boyfriend who is supportive and trying to be as understanding as he can. We're about to move in together. I love him and he is scared I'm going to leave. As in kill myself. Everyone is worried. And I feel like it's because everyone can see that I'm going to do it. They're just waiting and watching. I feel like I'm meant to die young. It's like once you spend years of your life focusing on dying, it's so difficult to want to live.

Why does nothing help? I feel like no one has ever felt this suicidal.

[IowaFarmGal]

Welcome to Psych Central, StormieKnight. It's good you have someone to love that loves you. Gives you a reason maybe to keep fighting until they figure out what is going to work for you. I wish you well and I hope the next thing they try will work.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by StormieKnight

Well, I'm 18 and have had suicidal thoughts since I was 16. I've been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, but mainly with depressive episodes. I've been a victim of a lot of childhood trauma and abuse, so I'm not just an ungrateful teenager.
Since May 2012, I've been in the psych hospital 3 times. Twice for suicide attempts, one almost successful. The last time I was just extremely suicidal with a plan and told my therapist. I've tried two new medications since the last hospital stay which was in December and they aren't really helping me shake these suicidal thoughts....
I think about it every day, whether it's a fleeting thought or the kind that bring me to staying in bed all day long. There's this voice in my head that takes over and won't let coping skills help or other people comforting me help.... it blocks it all out. Just says: I'm meant to die.

I have a serious boyfriend who is supportive and trying to be as understanding as he can. We're about to move in together. I love him and he is scared I'm going to leave. As in kill myself. Everyone is worried. And I feel like it's because everyone can see that I'm going to do it. They're just waiting and watching. I feel like I'm meant to die young. It's like once you spend years of your life focusing on dying, it's so difficult to want to live.

Why does nothing help? I feel like no one has ever felt this suicidal.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. But I agree, it is good that there is someone you love in your life.
I'm not really sure what I can say that will help. But I have often felt the same way to the point where I felt like I was suffocating and there was no way out. I know that when I have felt suicidal, I also felt like no one has ever felt that way. And it's a terrible way to feel.
I can't even begin to describe how terrible I felt. And when you have been through trauma and abuse, it feels like that's all there is to life--at least it did for me.
I am 50 (old, I know ) and have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was 13. But, by the grace of God, I have survived it. And things have gotten better for me, even tho I didn't ever think they would. I don't know if this will help, but when I start feeling that way--I simply "put it off," then I keep putting it off. I know that's easier said than done, and that took me years to learn how to do that--because when you're feeling that way it seems like there's no way out. Just try to hold on, sweetie, and keep us posted--ok?

[frownupsidedown]

StormieKnight,

I have been in the same place and after numerous hospitalizations and suicide attempts, I am still here. I think about suicide often and sometimes focus on it....but there are other times, I am able to push away those thoughts. I have had times when I felt suicidal and told myself to WAIT before doing anything. Sometimes that waiting period starts out as just 5 minutes.........then I make it through those 5 minutes and try to do 10 minutes and keep lengthening the time. If I wait long enough sometimes the intense emotions become not so intense and I can manage and I can get distracted by other things or fall to sleep and wake up feeling better.....it's difficult to do, but it keeps me alive. I too have had a very traumatic past and sometimes just don't think I'll get past that....but some things have happened that if I weren't here, I wouldn't be able to be a part of---like I have a new niece, I have a cat I'm trying to tame and give a good home to, I have a friend I go to coffee with once a week. Even though sometimes I feel like I'm a burden and everyone will be better off without me...I can see the reality is people will miss me AND there lives would be changed forever and not for the better without me. Take care of yourself--you are wonderful because you are you!!!!!

["Tilly may"]

i dont want you to kill yourself. I am suicidal as well. this just started a few months ago. i dont know how to make the thoughts go away. but i dont believe that i will do it because i have 2 children and i dont want to hurt them that way. but the thoughts still haunt me too. good luck for you. i will think of you and send positive thoughts your way

[Open Eyes]

((StormieKnight))),

I noticed on your about me that you also have a diagnosis of PTSD, have you worked on this in therapy at all? I had those suicidal thoughts as well, and they "can" be strong with PTSD, however since I have spent time working through my past these thoughts have substancially decreased and I don't even have them anymore.

It is very important you get help and work through this history, you "can" get so you find the "release" you have longed for, but didn't know how to obtain.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[RJ78]

Yeah, I have felt suicidal quite a bit over the past 7-8 years. It can be so hard to see a way out. But when some of those thoughts lift, life can be quite beautiful, even if for small moments.

You sound like someone bound to experience many of those beautiful moments, including with your boyfriend.

RJ78