[Sam2]

I guess this is a continuation of the post I put out the other day. I just thought it would be easier to restart.

For some reason, I can't seem to get out of this hole. Yesterday, the pain Dr. I have had for the past ten years said he no longer wants to be a Dr. and may hang in for a year or two, then leave. That would be devestating under any circumstances. He is a great Dr., always listened, allowed me to be part of my own treatment, and never made me feel like my pain was insignificant. I met him when I was hospitalized for a medication reaction. The ER wanted to try an IV drug, and after the third treatment, my hand turned blue. The neurologist sent my Dr. up to give me a nerve block for the migraine I was there for. He told me right off the bat that he thought it was a bad idea. He wound up taking me on as a new patient and has been working with me since then. The use of narcotics in migraines is generally looked down upon, but it was the only thing that worked. Once he is gone, who knows what the new Dr. will do. I fear they will start over again at the beginning.

My son got a hold of a letter I sent to his mother, (my ex), that was discussing his upcoming enterance into college. The letter I was responding to was from his mother who had said that one of the colleges wanted a higher SAT score for acceptance. What he found was out of context and he e-mailed me very angry. I suspect his mother either left the letter where he would find it, or showed it to him. She has been pulling that sort of stunt for years. I always kept my mouth shut, because he didn't need to be put in the middle. Through the years, she has told him I left because I was sick in the head. (I had migraines. She called me at school threatening suicide). Convinced him that they didn't have a house because I wouldn't give them enough support. (every month I send twice the amount the law requires and have for years). She has left foul mouthed messages on the phone where I live with a friend and her husband. Convinced him that I don't care, and has accused me of trying to kidnap him (that was said with him standing there). That and much much more.

Those are just two of the things that have happened after this latest bout of depression started. For the first time in a long time, I've had suicidal ideations, thoughts of cutting etc. I can't eat or sleep. The handheld part of my peripheral nerve stimulator broke and the teck was supposed to see me today. He finally called, said he would call back in fifteen minutes and never did. The stimulator is a crucial part of controlling intractable migraines.

Usually I can find my way out of the worst of the depression, but not this time. I spent 8 years in college to get a degree I always wanted, had three years of productive work and then my physical health got so bad that three half days at work are all I can manage. I know I've been incredibly lucky, or blessed, because I managed to fulfill the most important of my childhood dreams. It feels like everything I worked so hard for has been taken away, and as my health declines, it just gets worse. There is little the Dr.s can do at this point.

I'll stop here. I know I'm rambling. Its just hard to think.

Sam2

[TheRealFDeal]

Hi Sam2. It's hard to imagine NOT being depressed under those circumstances. I have migraines once in a while; I can imagine it would be debilitating to have them all the time. I don't have much to offer except I know from experience that we can't control when we have depressive episodes. We just have to wait them out is all I can figure. I have suicidal ideations too when it gets bad. It just seems like it's the only way out when you're that low.

I hope it's some comfort that we're here for you and we understand.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

Hi Sam2. It's hard to imagine NOT being depressed under those circumstances. I have migraines once in a while; I can imagine it would be debilitating to have them all the time. I don't have much to offer except I know from experience that we can't control when we have depressive episodes. We just have to wait them out is all I can figure. I have suicidal ideations too when it gets bad. It just seems like it's the only way out when you're that low.

I hope it's some comfort that we're here for you and we understand.

Yes, it does help to talk to other people who have been through these things. Sometimes I feel guilty complaining because I do have a strong support system here, while there are others who are completely alone. If not for them, I would be on the streets, literally.

I'm sorry you get migraines as well. I hope that you have something that can either prevent or stop them when they start. When I first found my Dr., the medications helped, but now I wish I never heard of them. They barely help, yet stopping them would mean being in a continuous state of breakthrough, and withdrawl, at the doses I'm on, could well be fatal. I'm not afraid of pain per say. I'm afraid of the tolerance to the drugs with no where else to go med wise. At one point, my doc said if I were a terminal cancer patient, he would just keep uping the doses and if I died, so be it. That isn't the case though.

Usually, trying to help other people here takes my mind off my own depression, but not lately. My parents have been very supportive, though three states away, and I don't want them to know how depressed I am. I put them through hell for years with suicide attempts. They already had another son who was one year older than I and becoming psychotic. My younger brother started partying, staying out all night, probably to stay out of the mess at home. That is a lot for a married couple, yet they stayed together and still have a great relationship. I don't want them to spend their last years worrying whether or not their son is going to off himself. They know about the physical pain becuase of all the surgical procedures to place a stimulator. Right now, they send me some pre-will money when I'm in trouble which is very embarrassing.

This is getting too long and the light too bright. Thank you for your support. Its time to get back into the dark.

Sam2

[allimsaying]

Originally Posted by Sam2

Yes, it does help to talk to other people who have been through these things. Sometimes I feel guilty complaining because I do have a strong support system here, while there are others who are completely alone. If not for them, I would be on the streets, literally.

I'm sorry you get migraines as well. I hope that you have something that can either prevent or stop them when they start. When I first found my Dr., the medications helped, but now I wish I never heard of them. They barely help, yet stopping them would mean being in a continuous state of breakthrough, and withdrawl, at the doses I'm on, could well be fatal. I'm not afraid of pain per say. I'm afraid of the tolerance to the drugs with no where else to go med wise. At one point, my doc said if I were a terminal cancer patient, he would just keep uping the doses and if I died, so be it. That isn't the case though.

Usually, trying to help other people here takes my mind off my own depression, but not lately. My parents have been very supportive, though three states away, and I don't want them to know how depressed I am. I put them through hell for years with suicide attempts. They already had another son who was one year older than I and becoming psychotic. My younger brother started partying, staying out all night, probably to stay out of the mess at home. That is a lot for a married couple, yet they stayed together and still have a great relationship. I don't want them to spend their last years worrying whether or not their son is going to off himself. They know about the physical pain becuase of all the surgical procedures to place a stimulator. Right now, they send me some pre-will money when I'm in trouble which is very embarrassing.

This is getting too long and the light too bright. Thank you for your support. Its time to get back into the dark.

Sam2

I understand how you feel Sam. Stressful marriages/divorces have to be one of the toughest things we can go through. I remember the shady hidden things my ex would do and I became so infuriated. Please try to remember the best possible outcome during these times though. Son graduates, does well. Your health improves. One day you are sitting on the porch with pipe and dog by your side. Maybe even a robust round bottomed lady.

I know its hard. Just wanted you to know Im reading and can relate.

[Sam2]

I'm thankful that my son has turned out as well as he has. Top grades, ranked 35th fastest runner in N.y. and on his way to college. We make decisions as parents, hoping that we are doing the right thing at the time for our kids. I don't understand why the ex has continued to poison his mind against me after 15 years. I don't blame him. She is his mother, and kids need to feel they can count on someone. Not once have i ever said anything derogatory about her to him, and have always backed her decisions when it comes to him, hoping to provide a united front. I'm no saint, but I do believe getting him out of a bad situation via divorce before he would remember was the right thing. Its just heavy baggage. Last year I made under 11,000 before taxes, and over half of that went to child support. There will be no porch or anything else for that matter. I have no retirement, no savings, insurance premiums over five hundred a month out of pocket which I can't give up because of health issues. The whole thing is a mess. I keep thinking, all I did was make one mistake. I married the wrong person. She now makes at least three times what I do, has a house, is getting married again, full benefits, retirement etc. Now I find out that because we are divorced, the law requires that I pay for part of his college. With what?! My lawyer says it makes no difference that I've never missed a child support payment and have been paying extra for years. I'm very glad my kid is going to college, but in families without a divorce, if parents can't afford college, there are student loans. The law doesn't make them pay the tuition. How can they do that to divorced parents. I just don't get it. I love my son and want the best for him, yet he thinks I'm the bad guy who betrayed him and his mother and God knows what else she has filled his head with. I don't regret him. I regret bringing a child into a mess. All that extra money was supposed to be put aside for education. Instead, it went for fancy clothes for her, games for him. He was invited to train with the olympic candidates in lake placid. My ex ranted on about how I wasn't helping. I couldn't. He wound up going, but no one even told me. I sent her a congratulations note on her engagement, and she responded by telling me I wasn't giving them enough money! How did I ever let myself be so stupid.

Sam2

[allimsaying]

> I'm thankful that my son has turned out as well as he has.

Keep this. You owe yourself a pat on the back. The best parents share this feeling with you.

> I don't understand why the ex has continued to poison his mind against me after 15 years.

The best explanation I can give for this is that we are all, after all, only human. Maybe she had some issues from time before you met and you happened to be the unlucky guy caught in the hurricane. No rhyme, no reason but it is part of the huge human swirl we all inhale in and exhale, day in, day out. You are doing the right thing by taking the high road and not becoming what you can see is the problem. You deserve kudos for this also.

> Its just heavy baggage.

Amen.

> She now makes at least three times what I do, has a house, is getting married again, full benefits, retirement etc.

Try not to measure success by outward appearances. She can keep up the front better, longer. Thats' all.

> in families without a divorce, if parents can't afford college, there are student loans. The law doesn't make them pay the tuition. How can they do that to divorced parents. I just don't get it.

I don't get that either. Can you contact a local government rep on this? Maybe there is an option you're missing?

> How did I ever let myself be so stupid.

You dont sound stupid to me. Not at all.