[TheRealFDeal]

I began thinking about suicide when I was a young kid. I wish I'd done it. Nothing good that has happened in my life is worth this pain.

I was supposed to go to a lunch at my aunt's today. She was having her nieces together - for some reason she is feeling old and I guess it's something she's meant to do for awhile. I promised to go, but today I canceled. I just feel very anti-social and like nobody cares anyway. They don't know me, and feeling the way I do today, I can't buck it up enough to fake it.

I saw my T for the second to last time today; we end next Wednesday. He admitted that he can't handle my BPD anymore. I've blurred the boundaries beyond his ability to help me. Well, if I have it's because he let me. I don't even know what that means, but once I learn it, he says he'll take me back. Like hell.

I have been having trouble finding another T. From a list of 10 referrals, only two have agreed to see me. One is too hard (cold) and one is too soft (too empathetic). I do have one other prospect I'm meeting with on Tuesday. The others who refused claimed to be full, but I made the mistake of telling them I'm BPD before they refused me. It's not just my faulty filter working here, a lot of therapists hesitate to take on BPD clients because we're so difficult.

So I feel lost and so, so abandoned and alone. I maybe should have posted this in the BPD forum, but I feel more comfortable here. I don't want hugs, I want a friend. Someone who will hear, who will not be scared off, who will care. Someone Who, after I have calmed down, will take me out for a drink and a movie. There's no prospect of that.

I will stay in for the rest of the day, and probably all day tomorrow. Maybe I'll even spend tomorrow in bed. There's no reason to get up. Nowhere to go, nothing to do.

I know that i'm the one standing in the way of my recovery. I'm having a temper tantrum because my therapist won't see me anymore. Because I have a restraining order against me by someone who I loved and who used to love me. Because I just don't care and I'm not worth it. My T has told me more than once, get knocked down 7 times, get up 8. Some chinese proverb. Well, it's just the way I am that I take a hell of a lot longer to get up than most others. And I always contemplate the option of never getting up again. Part of me is waiting to see if anyone will come along and give me a hand. The T would say it's better for you if you get up on your own. Screw helping myself. Screw getting better. Screw T's. Screw the world. I don't mean you guys.

[montanan4ever]

I'm so sorry. I don't know what I would do if I lost my therapist :-(.

This is zero comfort, I know, but: What you're feeling is totally in line with the BPD stuff. You are not a bad person and neither is your therapist. You realize that you are having a "temper tantrum," and that is an excellent insight. You learned something along the way, maybe from that DBT stuff *tired grin*.

But it's not just a temper tantrum. It's an awful loss. And yes, your therapist carries at least some part of the responsibility for the blurred boundaries. It's mega tough to keep boundaries intact with BPD folks, but it's still the t's job. I hope that the t is actually taking some responsibility for that and that you are just not hearing that part right now.

Yes, you take longer to get up than some others do. But you WILL get up again and you WILL make it work. Unfortunately (can you tell I've known a lot of people with BPD? lol), therapists and just about every other helper are prone to treat that diagnosis like the kiss of death and it sucks. Too many people also forget that the person who hurts the most is the person with the diagnosis.

The sun will rise tomorrow. Life does go on. And you have every single right to your feelings. Just stay safe while you are feeling them, okay?

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by TheRealFDeal

it's just the way I am that I take a hell of a lot longer to get up than most others.

Me too. I don't 'recover' on anyone's schedule, not even my own.

When you say "BPD" are you talking about Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? It doesn't sound like bipolar disorder to me.

[TheRealFDeal]

I mean borderline.

I still have 3-4 hours before I can reasonably go to bed and lose consciousness. Please keep talking to me.

[Opfwilllive]

Oh guy
I know how you feel.

Im diagnosed w/ depression but I think I have BPD but am a year too young to be diagnosed.
Im always lonely and I never have anyone to talk to, and like you, I want someone who will always be there for me when I need them.

Im learning that its hard to find that person, becuase hell- it seems only YOU can be there for yourself.
Sometimes when I feel like absolute ****, I just go crazy and try to enjoy myself. I dance alone, shout out loud, do whatever the hell I want.

And hell YOU ARE RIGHT! F the world! Its such a joke how we live today and how idiotic many people are. But I count myself lucky to be another one of those people who can find the faults and are willing to change them.

The first way to find a friend is to be your own friend. Make yourself laugh. Give yourself a break or something give yourself a gift.

I hope this gives you some encouragement. You are fighting the good fight and helping yourself.

*Air Hug*

I have bi polar maybe bpd too... no T other then one in a mental hospital has seen me because i could never go... i feel bad and maybe my fiance/ex will put a restraining order on me too so i feel that one personaly. If u wanna talk later today let me know. Im going to bed right now. Maybe we can help each other.