No title

Just feeling very very depressed lately. Never felt so alone as i do now. Dont have anyone to share my inner thoughts with, scared if I do they may think I am crazy. I just dont know how long i can take this. Someone I deeply love is slipping away from me. It hurts me so much that I can not be there to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am for all the pain I caused him all those years ago. He never gave up on me the way I gave up on him. Now he is thousands of miles away from me, half way across the world, dying in his hospital bed and me here in my comfy home. He is so young he does not deserve to die. Due to family circumstances, and not wanting to dissapoint my parents I can not call him, nor be wih him, or tell him that not one day has passed without me thinking of him. I know death comes to us all but why him, he is so young. Every day I wake hoping that death might just take me but never does. I am a coward I long to be away from this world and yet I dont have the guts to commit suicide. It pains me more knowing i never got the chance to explian my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams and what my plans were for the future. All these years I felt there was some glimmer of hope that we could be togther but this has ended. He will never recover. How do i let this go, cause my consioncus is killing me.

Arianna, (I love that name)
I apologize for this short reply, but want to urge you not to feel guilty or for lack of a better word, of this person's failing health.
Arianna, we are human,not perfect,but real,whatever has happened (I know nothing of your past,nor this person)but please do NOT beat yourself up.
So many events,situations, happen in our lives, so much of it we have no control of what the future has in mind.
I wish I had some words to console you, unfortunatly (sp?) I don't, but don't let regrets and guilt consume you.
Maybe a "PC hug," will help a teeny bit?
Or perhaps, hanging around and hearing what others here may have to say can be of help.
The members here are so supportive and really try their best, maybe just talking with us all can offer some input.
I must run, got so much to do, but do know your post has been read and we are all here for you.
Take care now,
DE

Hi arianna

***hugs***

You're not alone. You might be physically (I know I am, and it does indeed suck) alone but here at PC, you know we're like a big family.

You're not crazy, and anybody that you decide to share with that says that you are, are WRONG.

I'm really sorry about this person you love. That is indeed a very tragic situation. I am sorry that I don't know what to offer as advice. Have you thought about writing a letter to him? You don't even have to send it if you don't want, but just putting your feelings and thoughts down on paper might help you.

Do you do therapy? If you don't, it might be something to consider if you're this depressed. It isn't easy fighting it on your own.

***hugs*** hopefully someone here will be able to help you with better advice.

Ariana,

What is going on? It really doesn't sound like your fault. What happened to your friend?

Are you getting treatment for your depression? You deserve to have a life. I don't know what is happening to your friend, but it would just be a double tragedy if you let it keep you from progressing and being who you can be. You can recover.

I like the letter idea. I was going to mention but someone got here first. So, I will just say that writing some letters to my dead great aunt helped me to feel less guilty about my failure to care for her in the way that I should have when I lived with her. This letter idea is a way to symbolically express your feelings to this person. Keep in mind that initially (for me anyways), the guilt gets stronger because you are expressing it. So, you might want to gradually work your way towards expressing it.
Do you have a friend, pastor, counselor or someone that you can talk to about this? Anyone who is a good listener can be of some help. You might consider talking to a counselor because Ts make great listener and can sometimes give you good advice.