Help: I'm on a downward spiral and I'm crashing fast...

Hi Guys,

I'm new here and I'm having a really bad day. Summary: I've been in and out of psych hospitals 4 times now. Current diagnosis: Major Depression with psychotic features. However, on the quest to find out wth is wrong with me I was also diagnosed with scizophrenia (which runs in my family and I'm inclined to believe this is the real problem but I'm no doctor) and bi-polar disorder (all separate trips to the doctor/different doctor's, etc... and all while experiencing psychosis). Anyway, mental illness has ruined my life. I used to have a great job in the Department of Defense industry as an IT contractor. I was/am two classes from completing a masters degree from a top tier university and I can no longer complete it. I'm severely overweight and out of shape, I hate my body, and its really all due to mental illness.

Basically, I had some type of psychotic break after years and years of being severely depressed and it resulted in me taking a leave of absence on my job because I was hospitalized. When I went to return to work, I found there was no position for me so it resulted in me loosing my job (I lost my DoD contract b/c I was out too long but the Dr. wouldn't write me back to work so the company laid me off. I'm in medical debt by $25k + (hospitalizations). While in and out of the hospitals and while psychotic I couldn't do my school work obviously so I had to drop out of my class for that term it resulted in me owing my school $16k (dropping the class made me fall below the financial aid credit minimums and miscommunication from my school made me drop the class rather than take a bad grade) and I have no way to pay it. Sadly, I worked on this Master's degree for two years and only had two classes left to go and it would have been from a top tier university. Now I can't complete my degree. My unemployment is due to run out in March and I have not yet been able to find a job. Not to mention, for so long I wasn't able to look for a job because I was psychotic (hearing voices/seeing things/thinking people were after me). I looked just not seriously because I knew I couldn't handle working (still in and out of the hospital). My credit is trashed from not being able to finance the lifestyle I used to have on an Information Technology professionals salary down to $1200 a month on unemployment. So now I have no home. I live back with my mother because I couldn't pay rent. I had one month left on my lease and after two years of renting from the same person/paying rent on time and explaining the situation he still put an eviction on my credit for one month. I had a 725 credit score with zero negatives prior to getting sick. Like I have the worst luck in the world. My life is ruined. I mean I know these are things that can be obtained again, but its like I did nothing wrong to have these things happen except get sick. I got sick and my life fell apart. I took out student loans for my grad degree, I will have to pay those back in my life, but have no degree to show. All because I got sick. I really feel like crap today, and honestly I've been off my meds for a few days. I'm pretty sick of those pills too and taking pills only to not have anyone be able to tell me what is truly wrong with me. 4 doctors 3 opinions. Two of them agree on major depression with psychosis.

I had an interview for a job and I just knew I was going to get it. So things were looking up. I figured I'd be able to rebuild my life again. It would be hard, but it was a start. The interview went flawlessly, but I didn't get the job and I just spiraled downhill from there. I'm waiting on another company to contact me to tell me if I got the job, but it just feels like life is not letting up on me. I'm in a new city. I have no friends here. No one to talk to. People don't understand what I'm going through. I went to a therapy appointment and I told the lady I almost went to the hospital again after I got contacted about that job because I felt suicidal and that therapy appointment did not help at all. That's another thing when I was psychotic I was committed to a hospital because I basically tried to commit suicide it just didn't work. It feels like everywhere I turn there's something f'd up waiting for me. Am I the only person in the world that feels like this? I feel like the world is passing me by. I feel like I'm dead, not living, and I only exist to breathe. I feel like I had such a bright future waiting for me and a big portion of it was stolen. I mean before all of this happened I was looking to buy a home, now even if I had a job I couldn't even rent an apartment. I feel like so much that I've worked for has been stolen from me and if I was depressed before this happened to make me sick what the hell am I now? I honestly feel like I exist for a reason that is truly unknown to me. No I'm not suicidal now, but i just really want a break.......

Hello Itgirl! Welcome to PsychCentral! You are not alone in how you are feeling. Although the circumstances may be different among us, we all are having similar feelings. please ask any of us if you have questions. Take care! Keep posting!

Thanks. I just feel very alone. To make matters worse on a very bad day I got notification that I failed to be selected for yet another job.

Hello & Welcome, ITGirl! Mental illness essentially strangled and killed my career long ago. I'm impressed you have the energy and focus to keep fighting. In addition to the doctors, consider talking to financial and vocational counselors who have experience with those struggling with mental illness. 2-1-1 might be a place to start looking (I would hope), and you might contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI).

It Girl-Happy you are here!!!!!!!!!! you've come to the right place we've been through everything. I can't say myself that i was that productive when i was not sick, but you seem to have had a pretty good "resume" I will pray for you, please don't hurt yourself, you are in transition if knowing that helps. I am also schitzophrenic, I found out when i was hospitalized 5 times in a row. I have been on every kind of med there is the ones i am on now help alot. I am just wondering how you happened to get so much done with this illness? I was practically bedridden when they first put me in the hospital, I couldn't even get up in the morning. well to put a positive in here i ended up going to a day treatment facility for 8 years, got married, 17 years now, and go to a community concern place for my doc and T. I sure hope you can get the help you need and don't feel ashamed of it you will be getting help for yourself and you may even find something out there that is helpful in helping you with your finances too.

Thanks everyone for the replies. AvLady & Rohag, the only thing that keeps me going is that I know I've accomplished so much with this illness. I just really hope I can get my life back on track. I'm pretty tired of living with my mom again....

The thing is with such a great resume, I seem to not be able to land a job. It's very depressing even more and my mom just says things like well everyone is having a hard time. It doesn't seem like it. It seems like everyone and the world is moving along without me and I'm just stuck standing still. Well, I have an interview with Verizon and another with Bank of America. I just hope I can land a job sometime soon.

Not to mention my memory since experiencing the psychosis is really really bad. Like I'm afraid that when I do get a job, that I might not perform so well..... On my last job my performance was pretty poor in my opinion, but my supervisor didn't think so. Sometimes I really feel like I'm just not smart enough. Well not sometimes, but all the time.

My mom just made a statement about me hypothetically having children. I told her I'm never having children. I spend half of the time wishing I didn't have a life or hating my life. Why would I bring a child into the world. So I told her she's never having grand kids. She says she's not talking to me because I'm being negative. It's not negative its the truth. I hate my life, why would I bring a child into a world or life that I hate myself?

I hope you are finding some hope and comfort here. Some of us have some pretty good suggestions, too, when you are in a position to hear them. Come hang out with us.