[xrainstormx]

I have hit my all time low. I hate how it hurts so bad but it is so hard to explain. It even turns into physical pain. Crying doesn't express. How can you express it? I need help!!!!!! If it isn't my family, it is my friends, or me. I can never will. I can't beat this. I don't even want to try anymore. What is the point. All I do is fail. That is one of the only things I am good at. I am in this rut. I cannot get out. I need a push. Everytime I get close to coming out, I fall in deeping. Help me, GOD. I need strenght and I don't think I have it anymore. I just want to lay in bed and never get up. I want to hide from the world. I don't want to be me anymore!!!!!!!!!!! I am so tired. This somewhat explains how I feel but it is worse. I can't explain it all, which makes me feel even worse. People will say talk to your doctor or talk to someone. Talking doesn't help anymore. I know it is all on me to get better but I can't do it. Even since I can remeber I have been dealing with problems. Can something really be fixed if it is from your childhood? As I am writing this I am shaking. I am so worked up. Depression is a disease that people say can be beat. I don't think it can. I have beaten am eating disorder and cutting for the most part. I still get urges but that is better. Depression is different, it is here to stay. That is a horrible feeling.

[Christina86]

**hugs**

I think you just put into words what I'm feeling right now myself.

I think it can be beat, just requires a lot of time. But it can get better, I know this for a fact.

Even if it doesnt really help, if you ever want to talk ... I'm here. Try to take care of yourself and write again when the mood strikes you. It can help.

**hugs**

[xrainstormx]

Thank you. Are you getting better? I just find it so hard that I will get a little better but crash. I just carshed so far down, I don't know if I can come back from this one.

[Christina86]

Don't talk like that! You can snap back from this, just like I will (hopefully) soon.

Rollercoaster ride, it is definetely. Ups and downs...

[xrainstormx]

Way more downs than up. I hope you feel better too. I don't understand why people have to go through things like this..?

[Christina86]

Mine has been a mix, but I think I've been lying to myself ... I am worse than before. I don't think you can find an answer to why people go through things like this. Its just stupid, and completely without any logical reason. *hugs*

(My opinion anyways)

[9874]

I used ot hate it when T or friend would say to talk about it and then I'd feel better. I want to talk for the sake of talking, I need to feel my pain and sit with it. The idea of making it go away is too much of a pressure for me. But I can handle talking to an empathic listener, provided there's enough trust in the relationship so that I can allow myself to express how I genuinely feel deep inside.
Take gentle care!

[Rapunzel]

I tried to reply to this earlier, but we keep having momentary power outages just barely long enough to knock out the computer, and I think my reply got lost in one of those.

Anyway, I want you to know that it does get better. I had depresion since childhood and for at least 25-30 years or so, and it's starting to be hard to remember what it was really like. I remember enough to be afraid of it, but the sadnesses that I have now are nothing like the depression I used to have. I still have work to do, and I'm pretty sure that if I stopped working on it I would be at high risk for going strait back to the abyss. It's still hard work, but the misery that I used to have is gone.

It really doesn't have to stay like this for you either.

(((((((hugs))))))))
Rap

[damajdancer]

(((((((((( xrainstormx ))))))))))))))
-megan-

[Valis]

Yeah. I can relate to the, "fed up with talking" feeling. It just feels like thats all that happens: talk.

Hope you feel better.

[zombiette]

hi rainstorm...i can see where ur coming from...i had similiar feelings around a year ago. i've struggled with dysthymia (a milder form of chronic depression which is probly just as bad as severe depression because it goes on and on and on...) for 7 years,possibly more...but it's finally started to come right in the past six months thru good, consistent therapy and the right meds as well as making positive changes in my life. so yeah, u can and will beat it, it's slow and frustrating at first but it will get better.

[xrainstormx]

I think that makes sense. I just want to be happy.

[xrainstormx]

Thank you. I just don't understand why the suffering has to be so long. How long are we expected to deal with this?

[xrainstormx]

I feel better knowing that other people do feel the same as me.

[Rapunzel]

It doesn't need to be that long, but you have to find effective treatment for you (right therapist, right meds), and you have to be motivated enough to change your life. In my case, I hit rock bottom, noticed I wasn't getting anywhere, and started doing something about being who I wanted to be rather than who I thought everyone else thought I ought to be. I don't know if that's what it is for you - it's something only you can figure out.

((((hugs))))
Rap

[shannonstar]

I can relate to your frustrations and anger. I've been living with depression for over 30 years now. It sucks, but now, each time it seems to take over my life, I remember that I came out it before and will again. It's kind of like knowing the sun will rise tmw. Not because you have any control over it, but because it happens without your control, seemingly like the bouts of depression. Knowing it and feeling are very different, but at least knowing I will survive those horrible feelings helps me live through them. Little consequence when you're feeling such gloom and doom (that's how I put it) and sad as it is, there are many like you, who seem to suffer needlessly and prolonged. Please hang in there, knowing that someday you will feel better than today, knowing that you will worse after that too, but that you can survive this pain. Each time makes u stronger, doesn't feel like it, but it's true. I suggest u talk with ur doctor about meds and maybe some other treatment options. Hugs to you!

[sujunew]

hey! I sent you a msg before I read this, so ignore what I said (well, you'll understand what parts to ignore!). Take good care of yourself, and it is great that there are so many ppl here that really care in how you are doing. It is a long hard struggle, but hopefully that rut will disappear and you will be able to start working your way up again. TC xxx

[xrainstormx]

I never really felt better. I mean there are days I feel depressed and there are days that I am just so down. I have be soooooooooo down for so long now. I don't know how to get out of this. I need help though and I do see a doctor.