Does he know that i am planning my death while laughing with him?

I was talking to my most beloved person in the whole world, and laughing and smiling. At the same time I was admiring the height of a building questioning if it will be less painful if I jump from a building than jump into the ocean.

Did he know that when he was driving and we we’re going on a trip somewhere, I was truly happy; but I was hoping I was driving alone so I can crash to a truck or crash a bridge and fall from the top.

Crying under the warm shower with a rock trying to break a razor, maybe I can get the blade and cut my wrists and the pain will go away.

I think that you should talk to this person. If he is your most beloved, you owe him the truth. H may be shocked, but he will want to help.
You are in pain. Please see a Dr or confide in someone you trust immediately. The pain will not go away if you keep it to yourself.
Good luck and keep posting.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him about your pains and vivid thoughts. Ive tried to die a few times, for this exact reason. I'm glad I did myself better. If I would have died, she would have won, and I wouldn't be awesome anymore. Lol Out of curiosity though, why the thoughts? Is there a suspicion of him leaving you? If so, then I would ease into the problems or try and be passive aggressive about it. Either way, I think he will still give you the time of day. Usually when love is given, it is received. Let me know how it goes. Don't do anything regretful.

I get these thoughts a lot too. I remember getting home from work one day and my wife was cooking. I remember walking behind my wife giving her a hung and kissing the back of her neck. Then I noticed the kitchen knife on the counter. I got the urge to pick it up and...well I think you get the rest.

You can't listen to these urges. I know it my feel like the only way to end your suffering but it is not the way. I'm sure your beloved would be devasted if you hurt or killed yourself. He would question why and he may even be so destrought he takes his own life as well. I urge you to seek help. Talk to your doctor, or find a therapist. Try some meds. At the very least talk to your beloved and tell them how bad it is. I think a lot of people with depression get really good at hiding how they are feeling and even to the ones we love, but we have to acknowledge these feelings to deal with them. They have never just gone away for me. I've regret both of my suicide attempts. If I suceed I would have never met my wife and missed out on some really good moments of my life. I urge you at the very least to talk and tell someone how bad you are feeling. If they can't help talk to a doctor. There is help out there. Please keep yourself safe.